CZW Tournament of Death 21 (2024)

I'm still a little salty/sad that this year's Carnage Cup was the way it was. Last year, I didn't like TOD much, so now my hopes rest on living in Bizarro World. Maybe it is the other way around this year and TOD 2024 will be much better than expected!

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ROUND 1

Match 1 – (???) - Tarzan Duran vs. Mad Man Pondo

Match 2 – Raining Blood – Judge Joe Dred vs. Joel Bateman

Match 3 – Skinny Tubes – Danny Darko vs. Big F'N Joe

Match 4 – Road Rage – Mickie Knuckles vs. JJ Allin

Recap

ROUND 2

FINAL

Final Thoughts

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Round 1

Match 1 – (???) - Tarzan Duran vs. Mad Man Pondo

Duran gives me hope: Outfit-wise, this is a strong start with a horned half-mask, jungle-themed loincloth, and proper boots. His shorts are black, but barely visible under the leopard loincloth. Pondo somehow looks younger than in 2021 which is quite uncanny after seeing him with white hair and beard just last week. His outfit isn't ideal though. Green jersey, black shorts, but at least proper boots and matching colors. Easy victory for Duran.

Commentary kicks in. I hear a first 'absolutely' around the 3:45 mark. Hopefully, that trend won't continue. Seconds later, the match arrives at forehead carving. Professor Pondo with the kitchen knife in the ropes. He also takes off his jersey to reveal a black t-shirt. That's a first in Best Dressed. I never had someone make an outfit worse during a match. Thankfully, Tarzan Duran remembers that a wrestling match is supposed to have action and dropkicks Pondo through a barbed wire board. There's no stipulation mentioned, but seeing there were at least 2 barbed wire boards, it's probably something along the lines of 'Boards of Pain' or 'Barbed Wire Madness'. Duran continues the trend of using wrestling moves with a dive to the outside, and then uses the guardrail for a ropewalk light tube blow.

Pondo gains the upper hand after Duran's blunt briefly set his hair on fire. Surprisingly, he does resort to something akin to a wrestling move with an Abdominal Stretch to use his metal claw on Duran's scratch tattoo. The action moves back to the ring and chairs get involved. Duran stacks a bunch on Pondo, smashes them, and finally dives onto him with a chair-enhanced corkscrew cannonball for a two count.

Commentary talks about the 'inexperience' of Tarzan Duran. What planet do these people live on? He's 2 years away from his 20 years anniversary. I suppose Pondo's 35 years make Duran the greener one, but come on.

After some weapon use, Pondo wins the match by elbow dropping Duran through the remaining barbed wire board.

What a waste. Let's face it, Pondo isn't getting any younger and it shows. Duran did all the work here, and he's generally pretty solid when it comes to wrestling. This may have been his CZW debut, and he may not have Pondo's cult status, but I have a feeling he'd have been the better choice for round two.

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Match 2 – Raining Blood – Judge Joe Dred vs. Joel Bateman

Dred's outfit is pretty middle of the road. Lots of black, I think I see a t-shirt under the jersey, but the sports wear ratio is decent. Joel Bateman, also wearing a black t-shirt, at least has white pants and boots. He loses the shirt before the bell though, so his outfit is primarily white. Clear victory for Bateman.

The weaponry consists of several small light tube bundles, a light tube board, and two plastic fork boards. There's also a ladder leaning against the ring, but I don't know if it's formally part of the stipulation.

They start off with chain wrestling which usually heralds an overall better match than smashing and carving right out of the gate. It keeps going for a good while, weapons are evaded, until Bateman gains the advantage by throwing Dred into a light tube bundle. Now there's a little carving to get the juice flowing, but not for long. Bateman drags a fork board to the center of the ring, only to go onto it himself after a brief struggle. Dred cuts Bateman's forehead, but again, it's far from a full-blown carving session. Tubes get smashed; Dred uses his little hammer to do so.

Dred misses a cannonball, Bateman gets a two count after a quick roll up. The second fork board is placed on Dred, who flips it around when Bateman sentons down on him. The light tube board might actually be a big flatscreen. A kneeling slugfest ensues. Bateman challenges Dred to give him his best headbutt, which he does, but Bateman is the one who gets up after it. Then things happen very quickly. Bateman rushes to the top rope, Dred's manager Steven Jury interferes, something explodes (possibly an exploding cricket bat), then Dred throws Bateman to the outside and through a light tube and ladder contraption. The following pinfall only yields a two though, then Dred advances after slamming Bateman onto the light tube flatscreen.

This match has one negative and there was no way to prevent it: Dred will likely face Pondo in round two instead of putting on another match like this with Duran. If Bateman had won, the problem would be the same though. There was no winning here in that regard. In other words: This was only the second match, but it's a strong MOTN contender. Great balance, great pacing, spectacular spots.

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Match 3 – Skinny Tubes – Danny Darko vs. Big F'N Joe

I hate Darko's theme with a fiery passion. It's one of the most annoying pieces of music ever recorded. His outfit, on the other hand, looks pretty decent. Orange-red trunks with matching kneepads. I don't think the bleached hair is doing him any favors, but it's not part of his outfit, so it won't influence my judgement.

TOD20 winner Joe, as always, plays in the upper third of the ranking by default simply by wearing white. No tie today, which makes it look a bit plain. Nothing I can count as sports attire either. The Family Feud test – ask 100 people 'which of these two is a pro wrestler?' - would very likely be a landslide victory for Darko. That settles it.

The creatively named stipulation features skinny light tubes. That should make the two Brits feel at home – according to commentary, they asked for this stipulation.

They start off surprisingly technical, specifically: it's certainly been a hot minute since I've seen a dropkick from Joe. It doesn't take long until the first tubes break though. Joe smashes quite a few of them over Darko's head. Darko returns the favor and Joe gets a headstart on a crimson mask. The action moves to the outside and now it's firmly a smashfest all around the ring. Back in the ring, the smashing continues. I suppose it's on theme, and it sure helps Joe improve his outfit rating, but the match is now too light on the wrestling side for my taste.

The match turns into an extended outside brawl with crowd involvement. Darko getting buried under chairs at least offers a little variety, but for the most part, there's not much beyond tubes getting smashed. The closest to a wrestling move is a slingshot from Joe against the ambulance truck.

Back in the ring again, Darko pulls out a lariat at least, then a slugfest ensues. Darko strips Joe out of his shirt and thereby deprives him of the opportunity to fully soak it. Geez, dude. You already won the fashion duel. No need to rub it in!

After a surprise exploding barbed wire bat shot, Joe scores a three count and advances.

All things considered, this is the type of match you recommend to someone who just discovered deathmatches and has to get that 'give me the bloodiest, goriest shit ever!' phase out of their system. It's gory, a metric ton of stuff gets smashed, but there's a bit of a lull on the wrestling front.

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Match 4 – Road Rage – Mickie Knuckles vs. JJ Allin

Ugh. Do I have to watch this? No. I do not, but since I'm reviewing this show, I will skim it. Knuckles wears all black, but at least it's wrestling attire. JJ Escobar, who I will refer to as such because I always mix up JJ Allin and Darby Allin, arrives in a car wreck that is likely part of the stipulation. He wears a white shirt, black tights, proper boots - and a white ski mask which only makes me slightly less uncomfortable than his other masks. It's still a wool mask on someone who will engage in an athletic activity and likely sweat and bleed into it. And there are very few things I find more disgusting than wet wool. If that's the goal here, congratulations, full points for Mr. Escobar. (Amusingly, JJ Allin also wears a JJ Escobar shirt.) Zero points for whipping out the weedwhacker before the match has even begun, but due to the amount of white and high wrestling gear ratio, I must give the fashion victory to him despite the disgusting mask choice.

The brawl starts right away near the car. I assume the match is meant to involve the car, so I don't expect them to enter the ring.

A few minutes in, the sobering reality is: I just had a smashfest. I don't need another, and that's all I'm getting here – from two people I just don't like to see. Long story short, Knuckles advances. There was no winning for me here.

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INTERMISSION, RECAP

So far, I like this show better than TOD 20. However, I'm not too hopeful for the next round. With Pondo, Knuckles, and to a degree Big F'N Joe, there are 3 notorious smashers vs. Judge Joe Dred as the only one who kept a good weapon/wrestling balance in round 1. Especially the choice to let Pondo advance over Tarzan Duran is straight up baffling to me. Icon or not, Pondo is in his mid-fifties and was never a particularly great wrestler to begin with. As impressive as it is that he's still up and running, there are worlds between him and Duran in terms of wrestling quality – which was more than obvious in their match.

The two Joes had the MOTN in last year's TOD. Even if there'd be a re-match between them in round 2, that would leave one almost guaranteed dud that consists of nothing but carving, smashing, and cringe comedy.

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ROUND 2

Match 1 – (???) - Judge Joe Dred vs. Mad Man Pondo

No outfit change for Dred except an appropriate amount of blood on his face. The same applies to Pondo. It's still an easy decision in favor of Dred. He has a much higher sportswear ratio and better skin exposure with a sleeveless shirt.

No stipulation is announced, nor does Cagematch list one. There's either a blackboard or a flatscreen TV with stuff written on it, a frame with light tubes, some smaller weapons – I assume it's FBTW.

The match starts with an exchange of punches. Somehow Pondo gains the upper hand and sends Dred into the light tube frame right away. A little carving, then Pondo shoves Dred to a different corner and smashes tubes. Next, he arms himself with two cheese graters, but Dred gets hold of one and carves Pondo with it, before also smashing a bundle of tubes.

The blackboard turns out to be a flatscreen indeed, but I don't think it matters. It's just smashing and throwing weapons, and I don't really expect wrestling moves to make a comeback any time soon. Yep, Pondo goes for his claws and carves some more, floors Dred with his stop sign... Come to think, the balance isn't great here. Pondo is pretty dominant, Dred barely gets any punches in.

Pondo puts Dred on the top rope after setting up a pillow fort consisting of light tubes and chairs. When he tries to do something, Jury interferes by grabbing Pondo's leg, which provides enough distraction for Dred to sneak up, put Pondo through the light tubes, and get a three count.

This match in a nutshell.

This was just as bad as I expected. What might generously be described as a 'powerbomb', or more realistically, 'Dred dragging Pondo down in a slow, powerbomb-like motion', was the sole wrestling move here. Unless you count basic stuff like headbutts and punches, and even those were far and few between. There's also something off about Dred taking a beating with little offense or even resistance, from a guy twice his age and in no way bigger or stronger-looking. Speaking in gimmick references, it looked like Judge and Jury left the executioner at home for this one.

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Match 2 - (???) - Big F'N Joe vs. Mickie Knuckles

Wild guess: We are in for another smashfest. But before we get to that, the outfits have to be judged. Joe has not put his shirt back on which shows off his bloodied back and soaked briefs. Honestly, this isn't the worst look. It's probably better than it would be with the soaked shirt. While there's obviously no sports or even wrestling attire, a battered, bleeding guy in underwear paints a clearer picture for a Family Feud test. 'Slasher movie last boy' may not be what Joe is going for, but it's a good look and gets a high skin exposure rating on top of wearing all bloodsoaked white. For some reason, he has a white coat hanger in the back of his briefs. Maybe he's going for 'back alley abortionist'?

Knuckles wears all black with some red tassles, mostly wrestling gear, but Joe just knocked Tarzan Duran off the podium, so she stands no chance here.

The smashing starts immediately. I assume this is also FBTW. Cringe comedy no selling starts less than a minute into the match. Joe uses the coat hanger to put it in Mickie's mouth? Okay? Outside brawl, in the wider sense, because it's just more silly comedy with big fake scissors. Stink face from Joe.

Sorry, review is over, I can't do this. Knuckles unfortunately advances.

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FINAL

(???) - Judge Joe Dred vs. Mickie Knuckles

No outfit change for Dred. No outfit change for Knuckles either. Dred looks slightly more like a finalist with more blood on his face. Knuckles barely has any, but she's less covered. I think this is a tie because neither outfit is great.

The unnamed stipulation includes a scaffold and a large board with light tubes, flaming rags, a metric ton of loose tubes, and it's no ropes barbed wire.

Knuckles goes into the flaming barbed wire first thing and stays down so long that Dred grabs a chair and sits down in the ring.

Apparently he gets a signal that Knuckles can continue shortly after as he jumps up and starts smashing tubes on her. She still sits in the same spot though. DJ Hyde gets involved and stops Dred from attacking. The fire is extinguished which shrouds the entire ring and Dred in a cloud; medics arrive and take Knuckles to the back.

Pictured: Most of this match.

Dred, again sitting on his chair in the extinguisher cloud, insults CZW and demands to be given the trophy. I kind of agree. Either just give him the trophy and call it a day, or give him an opponent who can compete. So far, he's done most of the heavy lifting and is clearly the MVP. I highly doubt the match – if it continues in this form – will change that verdict. If anything, it will reinforce it.

This visual has been on my screen for so long that I developed Stockholm Syndrome. Feeling dead inside, might start renaissance painting later, idk

DJ Hyde comes out from the back and he indeed has the trophy. Unfortunately, Knuckles returns, one arm in a sling, but apparently not injured. A headbutt duel breaks out, Jury tries to get involved again by hitting Knuckles with his suitcase, but gets beaten down by the commentary lady with the ring bell. ?! Okay? Back in the ring, Mickie gets semi-waterboarded, then tubes get smashed, and they have a fairly long conversation before moving to the scaffold without any ado. Dred climbs up, Knuckles slowly and laboriously follows.

Commentary claims everyone is firmly behind Mickie Knuckles. Yeah, no, not me, and that's not just because of my Stockholm Syndrome. I didn't pay much attention to Dred in an XPW context, but the more I see him elsewhere, the more he's growing on me.

Slow motion kneeling struggle on the scaffold, then both go down without a discernible wrestling move, and crash through the exploding light tube board. Knuckles gets a three count and that was the final.

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RECAP, FINAL THOUGHTS

Holy shit, what a godawful way to finish the show. Seeing how it all played out, the final consisted of Knuckles getting injured within 30 seconds, Dred improvising his ass off on the microphone for 10 minutes, and then both falling from the scaffold onto the big, impossible to overlook thing that had to go boom in the end.

Was there really nobody backstage who could have done another match? Not a single person to rub two brain cells together and come up with a reason why Dred had to fight someone else? Apparently not.

It really wasn't rocket science. Improvise. Just send out whoever. There was enough to draw from. Big F'N Joe's long-running rivalry with Dred. Pondo's status as icon and the fact that he completely whipped Dred's ass in the previous round. Whatever allegiance Dred and Bateman share - Dred called Bateman 'his brother' at some point, and they both represented Blood Fighter. I'm not sure what that's all about, but clearly, there's some kind of history to work with. Surely, someone who isn't entirely braindead could find a reason to fight based on any of that. Accuse Dred and Jury of something. Claim they attacked Knuckles backstage or sabotaged the barbed wire, and demand Dred prove himself in a proper match. Anything would have worked better than the weird arc of him getting beaten up in round 2, then destroying Knuckles within seconds, and her winning anyway. If it was really out of the question to give anyone else the trophy this year, have an improvised match that ends with a double pinfall or something. It's also not a great way to end a tournament, but at least it's a match.

The first round was fine. There was definitely room for improvement – namely, Duran instead of Pondo – which would have trickled down to round 2 and likely resulted in a better match. As it was, the second round was a drawn-out smashfest. Having either Duran or Bateman around would have helped a great deal. As for the final, injuries happen. There's nobody to blame for that. But it's also hardly an unprecedented freak accident that couldn't possibly have been predicted and planned for in a deathmatch tournament.

Personally, I like three/fourway finals for that reason. With three or four finalists, you just have more options and flexibility if something goes wrong along the way. But that's besides the point. TOD traditionally has one on one finals, and I don't think it should be changed 'just in case'. I just think there needs to be a backup plan if one finalist – including the winner – can't compete. People pay money to watch shows, be it tickets or subscriptions. There's an expectation to fulfill, giving fans their money's worth. That includes the final being an actual match before the gimmicky thing goes boom. If I want to see things go boom without a match, I throw a rock through my window.

Seeing the pitiful state of CZW's deathmatch 'division', I won't brush this off as bad luck. It was bad planning and an inability to improvise, and to top it off, a follow-up to a very weak TOD in the previous year.

Final verdict: not recommended. The first round Dred vs. Bateman remains the MOTN, no runner-up. Judge Joe Dred was the MVP, and Best Dressed goes to Big F'N Joe in his round 2 condition, runner-up Tarzan Duran.

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