OPW Survival of the Sickest 2016

After the ordeals of reviewing an 8 hours long KTODM and almost getting hospitalized due to Zandig-induced brain cramps, I decided to continue the series with something decidedly more harmless: a 2 h 20 mins 8 man tournament by On Point Wrestling, at the time co-owned by Matt Tremont. Commentary is provided by Dean Dixon and Emil Jay which is neither here nor there, but alright.

The show begins with Matt Tremont's entrance and thereby a rare situation where I'm not worried about being hit with a self-celebratory speech by the promoter first thing. No, in fact Tremont doesn't talk at all. He's here to fight.

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ROUND 1

Match 1 – Death From Above - Matt Tremont vs. Marc Angel vs. Devon Moore

Match 2 – Fans Bring The Weapons - Jeff Cannonball vs. Lowlife Louie Ramos

Match 3 – Barefoot Pits of Destruction & Bed of Nailz – Jimmy Lyon vs. Conor Claxton

Match 4 – Kitchen Nightmares – Drew Blood vs. Danny Havoc

Non-Tournament Matches

FINAL

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Round 1

Match 1 – Death From Above - Matt Tremont vs. Marc Angel vs. Devon Moore

A ladder and a suspended barbed wire bat, thumbtack bats in all corners. For some reason the crowd really hates Marc Angel. After a brief opening brawl between him and Tremont, Moore props the ladder up in a corner, then goes to lock up with Tremont himself. Angel tries to get involved, but gets arm dragged into the ladder – which promptly breaks, so Moore dumps it on Angel, then goes back to Tremont for a headbutt duel. Amusingly, Marc Angel tries to reach the suspended bat by stepping on a chair, and although it definitely looks like he could reach it, he goes for a thumbtack bat from a corner instead and gives Tremont the first color.

A new ladder has subtly been slid into the ring off-camera. Devon Moore hands out some chair shots, then returns to brawling with Tremont. While Moore is busy elsewhere, Matt Tremont wraps up his head with a towel; shortly after, he puts the broken ladder around his neck, but can't successfully take down his opponents with the improvised rotor. All three end up with thumbtack bats, and somehow Marc Angel gains the upper hand and the new ladder which he uses against Tremont in the corner. The finish comes after a botch that breaks the ladder, followed by Tremont piledriving Angel onto the remains. The suspended bat remains untouched, and Matt Tremont advances to round 2.

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Brief Matt Tremont promo about advancing and wanting to win. Dare I say, we all know that's not going to happen. Tremont isn't the kind of guy to put himself over.

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Match 2 – Fans Bring The Weapons (as per Cagematch) - Jeff Cannonball vs. Lowlife Louie Ramos

The suspended bat is still there, the rest of the weaponry suggests Fans Bring The Weapons, but nothing has been announced officially. They start off with an intense exchange of punches, with Cannonball flooring Louie in the end. Ouside the ring, they follow up with hard headbutts that draw first blood from Cannonball. After Louie bites the bloody forehead, they return to the ring and Louie gets a guitar smashed over his head right away. It makes an extremely satisfying sound. Cannonball then sets up a cactus, but smashes a PlayStation over Ramos' head instead. After a brawl, Cannonball plants Ramos onto the cactus ass-first, then grabs a kendo stick. Ramos counters and employs a thumbtack bat.

He leaves the ring to retrieve a plastic bag from under the ring, then pulls out a dildo bat and begins to 'hit' Cannonball with it. 'Hit' because the dildo is actually so long and wobbly that Ramos can also choke Cannonball with it. Cannonball brings out his own weapon, a drill with a dildo on it, which he 'sticks' in Ramos' mouth. 'Sticks' because it's more Ramos desperately trying to suck the thing. Stupid weapon. A better one in the form of a barbed wire board is placed over Louie in a corner, and Cannonball hits a Cannonball against it. He only gets a two count out of it, so he continues the brawl with a thumbtack bat and a kenzan that goes into Ramos' head. Another two count later, Ramos hulks up and the two trade punches again. Ramos goes for a Big Boot, followed by a Leg Drop, and gets a two count out of it as well. A table – a tiny coffee table – is set up in the ring, and Cannonball eats it after a leg sweep. Ramos employs his silly non-weapon, the wobbly dildo, again, then somewhere finds a barbed wire bat and gets Cannonball to tap out. Ramos advances.

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Intermission, recap

There is no intermission, but I'm so used to it from KOTDM that I typed it out of habit. Since I'm already here, I'll give my thoughts on the first two matches. Both were well-paced, and I have only minor petty complaints. This is a tournament. This means I want all matches to have the same number of people, not three singles matches and one threeway. In this case, it bothers me only on priciple because I sure won't miss Marc Angel or Devon Moore in the next round. It's a tough call which of them looks more like a gas station clerk who randomly wandered into the ring, but I think I have to give this one to Moore due to an overall rattier look. Yes, today I will be the deathmatch fashion police!

No arrests in the second match. Both look appropriately wrestler-like. Cannonball shines with a proper singlet, Louie wears a white shirt to show off the juice. Good fashion choices all around here. My minor complaints about this match are dildo-related. These weapons simply don't look like they do any damage, nor do they make a good sound. Compare to the ever-wonderful guitar. It shatters! It makes boom! It's an excellent weapon, up there with lighttubes, but not as overused. I'll save up my elaborations about that for a weapon ranking or tier list. On with the program since there wasn't really an intermission anyway.

Ok, maybe there is. A wild Jimmy Lyon appears to cut off Cannonball's speech in praise of Ramos, and keeps ranting about how he (Lyon) will win the tournament instead. I certaintly hope not!

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Round 1 continued

Match 3 – Barefoot Pits of (commentary doesn't know either, as per Cagematch: Destruction & Bed of Nailz with a z) – Jimmy Lyon vs. Conor Claxton

Pits of thumbtacks, bed of nails, a bunch of smaller bats, and a mystery box. The suspended bat is still above the ring, but since there's no ladder, I don't think it is part of the match. Fashion Police Statement: Jimmy Lyon wears a singlet, but looks like a hobo anyway, likely on purpose. Conor Claxton could as well wear a Christmas sweater and get full points. He is to me what Henry Cavill is to r/AskMen users, except I don't insist on calling myself straight. No, the problem with this match runs far deeper than wardrobe choices ever could. I'm quite forgiving due to my blatant favoritism here, but eye candy only goes so far. One hard threshold it can't overcome is the involvement of Jimmy Lyon. Claxton is no John Wayne Murdoch, especially because he's still relatively green in 2016, but that's not the problem either. The problem is that not even the actual JWM could change the fact that Jimmy Lyon matches are the wrestling version of seeing an adult baby on your Sunday morning run in the park. They evoke the uncomfortable feeling that you're made to participate in someone's fetish against your will.

This match is basically Jimmy Lyon putting his love for foot torture on full display for 8 minutes straight. 8 minutes that feel like an eternity because this match is awful. It's made worse by the contrast of Claxton selling (or actually hating) the foot attacks, while Lyon just holds his feet up and offers no resistance to thumbtacks, carpet strips, kenzan, syringes, staples, and fish hooks. (No JD Horror in sight either, so it wasn't even legal in my book to have fish hooks in the first place.) It doesn't help that commentary keeps bringing up the foot fetish aspect the entire time, or that Lyon botches what could have been one of the better spots; a headlock driver onto chairs. Claxton wins this mess, then declares it was the last barefoot match of his career. I am grateful.

This match in a nutshell.

A wild Jeff Cannonball appears to help Lyon up. Lyon doesn't want help, so Cannonball plants him into a thumbtack pit. Which is fine except for the unfortunate fact that it keeps Lyon on-screen a little longer.

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Match 4 – Kitchen Nightmares – Drew Blood vs. Danny Havoc

With Drew Blood, the only person less charismatic than Marc Angels makes his appearance to face the OPW-debuting Danny Havoc. Neither is doing great on the fashion front since both wear black, but at this point I'm just happy they are wearing boots. The match starts off with some brief chain wrestling, then an exchange of punches, while commentary talks up Drew Blood. Everyone needs a hobby, I guess.

The pace of the match picks up with an early outside dive and Drew Blood going through a big ironing board carpet strip contraption. More ironing boards see use in the ring, as does the kitchen sink and a water jug. Good weapons, by the way. They lack in breakability, but they do make very satisfying sounds. I really like kitchen-themed deathmatches because they offer a lot variety with weapons and people tend to get quite creative with that. This match, for instance, heavily features carpet strips, but I have also seen lighttube-centric or blunt force-themed kitchen deathmatches.

While I was pondering the stipulation, the match slowed down a bit, but the action picks up just as I turn my attention. A nice counter sequence sees Drew Blood advance, and he gets some boos for taking fan favorite Havoc out of the tournament. A brief close-up on Blood when he leaves the ring makes me realize that a tiny scratch on his forehead is actually the only blood featured in this match. Mental note to knock carpet strips down a tier on a future weapon tier list. Very breakable, but neither great for satisfying sounds nor visual damage.

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Intermission or not, here's a recap.

The less I say about the barefoot match, the easier I will rest. I'll sacrifice some sleep to theorize about the underlying problem (other than Lyon's general involvement) though. This tournament took place in 2016, when both Claxton and Lyon were still fairly green. The botches and near-botches, particularly from Lyon (Claxton barely did anything that could have been botched), scream 'inexperience'. I think it was a bad idea to let these two go it alone. Veteran Ramos and Cannonball have good chemistry, so I wouldn't want to break them up. Veteran Drew Blood advanced, and there was some hype about this being the first singles match betweem him and Havoc, so he's out, too. Which leaves the glaring, obvious, Devon-Moore-shaped option. He had no particular reason to be in the first match. Lyon was feuding with Cannonball and didn't need Claxton as opponent. Swapping Moore and Lyon would have given Claxton an experienced, familiar opponent and very likely resulted in a better match. The world would have been spared from Lyon's foot-related antics in the first stipulation, too. It would have been a win-win-WIN.

Blood vs. Havoc was a good match. I don't have a whole lot more to say about it because I just don't connected with it, in part because I can't get invested in Blood. Much like IWA-DS's very own Jay Blade, this man simply has zero charisma – while being a sound in-ring worker. I'd actually be curious to see a match between the two of them. I'd probably not have much to criticize from a wrestling standpoint, but compare it to watching a Hollywood movie script acted out by a talented yet bland smalltown theatre ensemble.

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Non-Tournament Matches

Xavier Cross vs. Drake Chambers

Xavier Cross immediately scores with pink spandex, feather boa, and furry boots – quite possibly the lowest 'walked in from the gas station across the street' ranking tonight. He cuts a promo, but is hard to understand due to 'STFU' chants. Drake Chambers does nothing wrong on the fashion front. Nothing noteworthy either. Since it's not a deathmatch, I'll keep it short: fast-paced, intense match that benefits from an ongoing feud. Quite watchable, not too long, and exactly where it belongs on a card. A picture-book example of a non-tournament match done right. Cross wins by pinfall.

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Fantastic 4 Way – Kyle The Beast vs. Unbreakable Andy vs. Steve Scott vs. Tony Deppen

A flashy and balanced match that gives everyone a chance to shine. No fashion complaints. There are some crazy outside dives and spectacular sequences with serious showstealing qualities in this, and it rightfully earns standing ovations for all four. Unbreakable Andy wins after a Tiger Driver against Tony Deppen.

Intermission; a time lapse of replacing the ropes with barbed wire

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Final

No Ropes Barbed Wire Elimination – Drew Blood vs. Conor Claxton vs. Louie Ramos vs. Matt Tremont

Best dressed: Louie Ramos thanks to his now bloodsoaked white shirt. That's how a finalist is supposed to look like. Runner-up is Tremont, still in black, but with a bloodsoaked towel around his neck. Tremont and Blood kick off a punching duel, then invite the others to join. Shortly after, Ramos and Claxton open each other up with the barbed wire while Tremont proves that carpet strips can make satisfying sounds if one just puts enough force behind it. A stop sign, kendo stick, and thumbtack bats find use before Tremont gets a first two count out of Blood. Claxton tries out Tremont's carpet strip approach, Lowlife Louie can't keep up in the sound department with a water jug either. Maybe it's because of the unfortunate oversaturation of feet-related subjects that I conciously notice Matt Tremont's boots for the first time and realize I like them for two reasons. One, they exist. He's not barefoot. Two, they are kind of old school and a rare sight these days when a majority opts for short sports shoes with kickpads. It's just a nice, very un-gas-station-y detail.

Matt Tremont leaves the ring, but commentary isn't sure if he was eliminated. He returns to ringside moments later, just when Drew Blood demonstrates how to get a good sound out of a water jug and Claxton's head. Claxton tries it, but instead discovers the destructability of the jug. Ramos eliminates Drew Blood right after with a Sitout Powerbomb, and Matt Tremont returns to the ring. He quickly eliminates Claxton after a brutal Death Valley Driver onto a chair. Louie soon ends up tangled up in barbed wire which really brings his already good look together. A big splash against Tremont gives him a two count, then Tremont gets a one after slamming Louie onto a barbed wire board. The match loses quite some of its pace because Tremont has to get something out of his ear (presumably thumbtacks) and Louie struggles to move with all the barbed wire. Lighttubes and pits are brought to the ring – the first glass of the tournament – and a duel results in the world's most awkward DVD against Tremont into the tubes, which leads to a three count and Louie winning the first Survival of the Sickest tournament.

His son hands him the trophy, and now – at a very appropriate time – Tremont breaks out into song, er, speech in praise of Louie. Ian Rotten, take notes. This is how you honor a winner and show your respect.

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Final thoughts

A fairly short, but alright tournament with great non-tournament action and balance. What stands out is the choice of stipulations. It's rare to see a tournament that almost completely forgoes glass, so I found this rather refreshing. Other than the forsaken barefoot match – which I blame entirely on the involvement of Lyon, not the stipulation, because all his matches are like this – the matches were enjoyable and well-paced, and led up to a worthy finale.

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