Zandig's Tournament of Survival (2016)

JEEEEEEEEESUS, the cringe is killing me

I'll put the whammy right at the start: I never really got into GCW and only sporadically watched a show here and there. I have seen clips and possibly matches from this tournament on YouTube, but not the full thing. Now that I watched it, I wish I could go back to those better, more innocent days of my life.

The show begins with Zandig entering a no ropes barbed wire ring. He still bleeds black and yellow, and he's still pregnant. After this intro, the camera cuts backstage where Zandig introduces himself to Bryant Woods, then talks to Masada. I'm aghast. Listening to this is like watching someone step in dog shit in slow motion. Zandig talking like he's way, way bigger in Japan than he ever was is the definition of cringe. He was always a little extra, but this is physically painful.

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ROUND 1

Match 1 – No Ropes Barbed Wire - Masada vs. Bryant Woods

Match 2 – 1001 Thumbtacks - Joker vs Scot Summers

Match 3 – Fans Bring The Weapons - Viking vs John Wayne Murdoch

Match 4 – Lighttube Log Cabins - Danny Havoc vs. Markus Crane

ROUND 2

Hornswoggle

FINAL

Final Thoughts

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Round 1

Match 1 – No Ropes Barbed Wire - Masada vs. Bryant Woods

Beast vs. Beast. The match has a fairly slow start with a long phase of feeling each other out, but it gets going on the outside. The crowd chants 'NICK F'N GAGE', apparently at Masada. Is there some feud? Is Nick Gage even there? I don't know and commentary doesn't mention anything of the sort. Anyway, it's mostly an outside brawl all across the building. The seemingly confused crowd finally gets into the match when Woods gets thrown into chairs. Back in the ring, the pace goes back down. Things stay slow with submissions and a pizza cutter until Woods goes into the barbed wire in what is probably the highlight spot of the match. While Masada is down after a suplex, Woods tries to remove the barbed wire with wire cutters. It's not exactly going well, so they resort to chair shots. The match comes to a grinding halt when Masada adds kenzans, until Woods catches him with a powerbomb. A barbed wire board is introduced and propped up between the apron and a guardrail. It doesn't break when Masada tries to throw Woods through it. He finally gets the job done by giving Woods an elbow drop onto the board, and Masada advances.

My takeaway from this, as much as it pains me to say, is that the two beasts unfortunately don't really click. There are a lot of timing issues and stuff that doesn't quite look right – not botches, but miscommunications, and I don't think it's anyone's fault. It's just not a good fit.

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Intermission: Replays. There are way, way too many replays of the same spots. Followed by injury close-ups like it's 2006. It's 2016. They are not as cringy as Zandig's backstage segments though. Speaking of which. Here's another, this time with Joker and Scot Summers. I must skip because the cringe of Zandig's self-adulation is killing me.

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Match 2 – 1001 Thumbtacks - Joker vs Scot Summers

The thumbtacks are on various weapons like paint rollers and baseball bats, otherwise the stipulation would be pretty underwhelming because there aren't that many loose tacks in the ring. Joker and Summers open the match with chain wrestling and ignore the weapons for a good while. The thumbtacks see use eventually, and the chains turn into kicks. Come to think, thumbtacks shin pads would have been a more fitting and exciting stipulation. I'm not sure what to make of this match. Whenever they pick up momentum, a submission shuts it off. It feels slower than it really is. In the end, Scot Summers surprisingly picks up the victory.

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Intermission: Replay galore, ankle injury close ups, another Zandig cringefest with the next competitors.

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Match 3 – Fans Bring The Weapons - Viking vs John Wayne Murdoch

Finally something that has my undivided attention, and it starts off with a literal bang when Murdoch smashes a powder-filled guitar over Viking's head. Although both are more than capable, there's no technical wrestling here. They go from weapon to weapon around the ring, with Murdoch dominating for the most part. Once they are back in the ring, Viking takes a slam onto a TV, goes into a fan, then counters and throws Murdoch into it as well. Viking has time to recover when Murdoch searches something under the ring, and Death Valley Drivers him onto a plastic fork board. The tides turn with Viking using a toothpick-studded broomstick against Murdoch, then he sets up a table in a corner. He ends up going through it himself though, but kicks out of the first pin attempt of the match. At some point, Viking pours a bucket of thumbtacks into the ring, and I'm fairly sure that's more than the previous match had. A fast-paced duel with toothpick-American Gladiator stick-bats ends with both floored and crimson-masked. A top rope double stomp from Viking leads to a first two count.

Then both go outside – not just outside the ring, but outside the building and onto a trailer. It ends with Viking throwing Murdoch down through a table, after what looked like concern that the table was too far for whatever the plan was. They quickly return to the ring for a pin; Murdoch kicks out. A Vertabreaker onto the remains of the guitar results in a successful three count, and Viking advances to the semi-finals. Hands down the best match so far.

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Intermission: Again, more replays than anyone could ever need, more Zandig cringe. Seriously, this is bad-bad. At this point, I'd pay money to auto-skip every scene with him on the screen.

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Match 4 – Lighttube Log Cabins - Danny Havoc vs. Markus Crane

It's a bit weird to watch, but I'll try to ignore the obvious. Fast start, with actual wrestling and avoiding the weapons, followed by use of single lighttubes. It takes a good while until the match turns into a deathmatch, and at times it feels like they are rehearsing a faster-paced match in slow motion. It's hard to describe, but something about it just doesn't reach me. The first big spot gets 'Fuck you, DJ' chants. Weird vibe for what was considered a bit of a dream match at the time, but hey, at least the sleepy crowd woke up. Just when the match (and crowd) gets going, it's over and Danny Havoc advances.

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Intermission: Replay galore. This time around, they make the match look more exciting than it was, like it's being replayed at normal speed, so that's something. No Zandig segment. That's huge.

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Round 2

Match 1 – Barbed Wire Boards & Panes of Glass - Masada vs. Scot Summers

Scot Summers can't compete and Masada receives a bye. Yeah, I wish. Zandig shows up and Masada somehow gets so distracted by Larry Legend that he doesn't notice that Zandig's music is playing. Zandig sneak attacks, tackles him through a pane of glass and it gets 5 replays right away. Zandig advances after less than a minute in the ring. This might well be the dumbest thing I have ever seen. I'm not a fan of Masada, but damn, he didn't deserve to be clowned like that.

This, but unironically.

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Match 2 – Pane of Glass & Bed of Nails - Viking vs. Danny Havoc

If nothing else, the Zandig bullshit woke up the crowd. Viking and Havoc start off with a chop battle that quickly ends with the latter going through glass. Things slow down on the outside and don't pick up much in the ring. Viking is still suffering from/selling the bump onto the TV, so the slow pace is not out of place for once. The buildup pays off when the bed of nails comes into play. Some random person (for all I know, commentary makes no mention of it) runs in to hand Danny Havoc a weedwhacker which leads to a very sudden finish. What? Why? Danny Havoc then proceeds to talk Viking up. If he has so much respect for him, why go along with the random outside help? What's the story here?

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Hornswoggle

He bemoans that he is in this 'dump' when he used to be at the top. Just when he is about to leave, goddamn Zandig shows up again like some evil spirit that is summoned whether anyone says his name or not. Zandig tosses Hornswoggle out of the ring. This is so random. Joey Janela shows up to attack Zandig. They proceed to have something akin to a match with the barbed wire boards and panes of glass. Still, random. Is this part of the tournament or not? Penelope Ford appears. Zandig spanks her. What the hell am I watching. Zandig proceeds to do the most embarrassing things this side of 'cinematic matches booked by Kevin Brannen' – 'razzle dazzle', forcefully kissing Ford - and for some reason, the crowd eats it up. But also gets behind Janela. Maybe they are just as confused as I am. Just when I hope whatever this is is finally over, they go outside and up to the roof. I know what's coming; Zandig's stupid recreation of the TOD spot he did with Mondo. If it wasn't already clear that the guy lost the plot, now it is. Somehow, I always expected there'd be a very different context to this. This isn't even a tournament match from what I can tell. Zandig wins because of course he does. Commentary calls him a 'god'. Best guess, some drug cartel was handing out free samples.

???

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Intermission: Replays for 10 mins straight. The ring gets prepared with lighttubes for the finale.

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Final

Danny Havoc vs. Zandig

Mom, do I have to watch this? I don't want to watch Zandig acting on his delusions of grandeur anymore. Zandig comes out without music, followed by three eliminated competitors. Please please please let any of them take your place. Zandig talks and talks and finally takes himself out of the tournament due to injury. Best news I ever heard! John Wayne Murdoch, Markus Crane, and Bryant Woods all take his place in the finale. Maybe there is a god. If so, it's definitely not Zandig though.

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Actual Final

Danny Havoc vs. John Wayne Murdoch vs. Markus Crane vs. Bryant Woods

Being a House of Glass/200 (?) Lighttubes match, things kick off quickly and glass is breaking left and right. I'm honestly just happy that I don't have to see Zandig anymore, so everything that's happening instead is awesome. Was that the goal all along? A bizarre 4D chess move to hype up the finale? If so, why? With that line-up, there was no need for it. There's a lot going on, in and outside of the ring. Not sure I needed Crane in this; I never understood what people saw in him, but he's not much of a hinderance and Murdoch is there to balance out Crane's general sloppiness. After a chaotic and fast-paced match, Danny Havoc wins with a pinfall over Bryant Woods. This was fun – until Havoc turns his victory speech into a Zandig worship session. Why you gotta do me dirty like that? Haven't I suffered enough?

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Final Thoughts

What a rollercoaster. I'm not sure what to think. The line-up was pretty strong – smaller, but certainly not lesser than the obvious comparison, CZW's TOD from the same year. However, it didn't quite translate to the hyped up tournament I heard about over the years. The first round had one good match, three that didn't fully grab me for different reasons. The second round had one absurd non-match, and one match that could have been pretty good if it wasn't for the strange finish. If it had only been the finale after this, that could have made up for the weirdness. But I also have to consider the chaotic impromptu match between Zandig and Janela. Ignoring all 2024 knowledge and controversy about the roof spot, it felt disrespectful to do something so clearly designed to 'steal the show' and be the one thing everyone would talk about right before the finale. That's where the big spots and attention should have been.

Anyway. I loved CZW back in its early years, so in theory I should have been thrilled about Zandig coming back and giving me more of that. The reality was very different. I was severely underwhelmed - and at times incredibly annoyed – by this tournament. The reason for that should be obvious by now. In the back of my mind, I hear Corporal Robinson's voice echo: "There are no egos in deathmatch wrestling." Hate to say it, man, but there was definitely one impossibly inflated ego here and it dragged down what could have been a decent show otherwise.

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