Why in the world do I rate the ring attire of deathmatch wrestlers? Because everyone needs a gimmick. Most of the fun ones were already taken, so it was this or rating Scottish Highland Games based on their culinary merit.

All kidding aside, deathmatches often get dismissed as ‘this garbage isn’t real wrestling’ and the loudest critics rarely engage with it beyond the most surface level. To me, deathmatches are the purest, most wholesome expression of wrestling. At its best, deathmatch wrestling is extreme art; violent, visceral, visual storytelling no other form of entertainment can match. At its worst, it is exactly what its critics say: mindless prop smashing without rhyme or reason.

I pick deathmatches apart because vandalism is my love language. I think deathmatches deserve genuine engagement and analysis that comes from a place of love and respect; a middleground between ‘outright dismissal’ and ‘ignoring its shortcomings’. I want the genre to be seen for what it truly is - the good, the bad, the ugly, and anything in between. Ring attire is part of the visual experience, so it goes into my reviews along with everything else that makes or breaks a match. That’s why I rate the attire of deathmatch wrestlers. And because the premise is catchier and more clickbaity than ‘In-Depth Deathmatch Analysis Presented With Occasional Snark And/Or Absurdist Humor’.

All biases are my own. I do not participate in ‘discourse’. No social media, no hype or pandering in hopes of scoring free tickets or merch. As far as live experiences are concerned, I could as well live on Tristan da Cunha. I’m stranded in a deathmatch wasteland, and all reviews are based on the footage made available on streaming platforms - remote gonzo, if you will.

Like any other fan, I have favorites, but they don’t get favorable treatment. If their matches suck, they suck and I won’t sugarcoat it. If they pulled their ring gear out of a charity bin, I admittedly find that kind of endearing in some cases, but it still won’t win them any trophies. Neither ‘bad matches’ nor ‘bad outfits’ equal ‘bad people’, and I apply that to everyone regardless of personal taste. The black and white thinking that ‘being a true fan’ equals unconditional praise - and any criticism means betrayal - doesn’t work for me. Gray is the warmest color.

In other words, if you are looking for deeper engagement with deathmatch wrestling than gifs with a “SICK SPOT, BRO!” caption, you’ve come to the right place.

The Deathmatch Fashion Police is and will remain 100 % free. Money should go to the wrestlers who put their bodies on the line for our entertainment, not armchair annalists like me. If you’re hellbound to spend money, buy some merch from your favorites.

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