OPW Survival of the Sickest 2 (2017)

Once again, I fooled myself into thinking I can establish some kind of system for my review order. This time, it resulted in going back to the roots: OPW, where the fashion police first reared its nitpicky neck. There's a total of 4 Survival of the Sickest tournaments, and it seems doable to review the remaining 3 this year to satisfy my inner completionist.

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Non-Tournament Match

ROUND 1

Match 1 – Pallets of Pain – Matt Tremont vs. Colt 45

Match 2 – Homerun Derby – Brad Cash vs. Tank vs. Jeff Cannonball

Match 3 – Barbed Wire Boards – Marc Angel vs. G-Raver

Match 4 – Carpet Striptease – Danny Havoc vs. JD Horror

Recap

ROUND 2

Non-Tournament Match

FINAL

Final Thoughts

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Non-Tournament Match

Notorious Inc. vs. Unbreakable Andy & ???

Well, well, well, if that isn't the godfather of Best Dressed. Devon Moore sure makes a better impression than last time. He's all in black – which may not be a factor. I don't know if this is a deathmatch yet. There are no weapons visible, but who knows. Moore has proper shorts and for once wears a tank top instead of a t-shirt. His sportswear ratio has never been higher than this! Drew Blood wears roughly the same, with the minor difference that his shirt is a (sleeveless) t-shirt.

Unbreakable Andy continues the trend of black shirts, but pairs his with custom wrestling shorts in black, red, and white, which puts him in the lead for the moment.

Andy gets a microphone, presumably to explain the lack of a partner, and the crowd chants for Jimmy Lloyd. Nobody appears though, and Moore and Blood attack. I guess it's a handicap match then, and Andy wins the fashion face off with the highest amount of wrestling attire. It's also not a hardcore or deathmatch, so I'll keep it brief unless a mystery partner shows up with a weapon.

After a few minutes, music interrupts the match and 2 Cold Scorpio shows up as Andy's partner.

Difficult. He very, very clearly is the best dressed person in this match, wearing yellow spandex tights to red kickpads and matching bandanas. He also entered well after the bell. I never had to deal with a late addition to a match, so I guess it's time for a precedent. I'll judge the teams as units to keep it fair. That way, Andy – who played by the rules – keeps his victory, and Scorpio's superior outfit gets recognition.

Andy wins the match after a Shooting Star Press.

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ROUND 1

Match 1 – Pallets of Pain – Matt Tremont vs. Colt 45

This is a deathmatch, so I won't be lenient with color choices. Colt 45, may he rest in peace, didn't make great ones. All black, t-shirt, shorts, kickpads, bandana – but he does remove the shirt, and that could be enough for an exposure-based victory over notorious black-shirt-wearer Tremont.

As expected, Tremont does wear all black, including the shirt and possibly a singlet underneath. But I must call this a tie. Colt 45 wears a brown belt to black shoes. Nope. Not having it. That's a fashion faux pas everywhere else. Why would a ring be the exception?

Colt 45 attacks before Tremont even reaches the ring, so it starts off as an outside brawl. The weaponry is exactly what it says on the tin; four pallets, two with barbed wire, one with gussets, one yet unidentified due to the camera position. Since they are in the ring and Colt and Tremont are not, the first weapon that gets used is a ladder. After a double stomp from the top, Colt 45 takes the match to the ring – and promptly gets suplexed onto the first board. Somehow, Tremont already sports a crimson mask.

Colt 45 doesn't stay on the defense for long and counters a bodyslam attempt with a springboard crossbody that puts Tremont on the barbed wire board. Tremont makes a comeback by throwing Colt 45 onto the gusset pallet from the top rope. He drags a barbed wire pallet closer, puts Colt on it, then goes to the top rope. However, Colt gets up right away and prevents the splash, tries a headscissor, but instead gets powerbombed onto the pallet. Tremont gets an easy three count and advances.

Because Tremont is still Tremont, he puts Colt 45 over and sparks 'please come back' chants. This match was fairly short, but for a one on one between a big brawler and a skinny lightweight, it was surprisingly balanced.

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Match 2 – Homerun Derby – Brad Cash vs. Tank vs. Jeff Cannonball

Rant before I subject myself to the likely fashion train wreck. Why is this a three way? Why doesn't every entrant have the same starting point with an equal number of opponents? Tremont said in his post-match speech that he had one last spot to fill, 3 options, and he went with Colt 45. That tells me there was no last minute cancellation or no show, and it also seems unlikely that people would randomly show up at events they are not booked for – and get put in a tournament match. I can definitely see the idea here – three big boys who like their headbutts and chairshots. Outside of a tournament, fine. But in a tournament, I want all entrants to have equal conditions and the same amount of opponents to go through.

Ok. I'm done. Let's see if my prediction comes true: Jeff Cannonball will win by being the only one with wrestling attire.

Brad Cash wears a black shirt to black shorts, but at least he managed to match the belt to the boots. He does have wrestling attire – a blue singlet – so maybe I underestimated him. Tank lives up to my expectations by wearing a black shirt and long black pants that probably count as sportswear in the wider sense. Jeff Cannonball also wears a black shirt and black shorts. Oh boy. Do I really give the victory to Cash for wearing a non-black singlet under his shirt? I guess so. Rules are rules.

That blue singlet. The bar is really that low here.

Weapon-wise, water jugs seem to be the dominant theme. There are several bats and Tank has a kendo stick. Cannonball arms himself with a baseball bat, Cash surprisingly doesn't take any weapon. And unsurprisingly gets ganged up on, and hit with both weapons. After Cash got beaten down, Tank turns his attention to Cannonball, this time with a bat since the kendo stick broke already. Now Cash discovers the weapons and goes for the water jugs to floor both attackers. Tank gets up first and attacks with a new bat while commentary makes rape jokes. Jeff Cannonball puts an end to both by trying to roll Tank up, to no avail. Bats with gusset plates, thumbtacks, and barbed wire get used, and I'm still waiting for something akin to a wrestling move. Commentary now rubs in my gripe with the skewed number of entrants, calling this the 'toughest draw of round 1'. So it's really intentional. I hate it.

Two cannonballs, the first from Cannonball, the second from Tank, are the first wrestling moves. Wild guess, judging by how this is going, they'll also be last. At best, I expect a random suplex, perhaps a Saito from Tank as the finish. For now, he and Cannonball sit down for a slugfest that quickly advances to headbutts. Cash gets involved at some point, too, but it doesn't make this match more interesting.

Back in the ring, Cash gives me a shred of hope by using a leg sweep. It's probably as close to wrestling as it's going to get. Yep, we're back at punching and weapon shots. Cannonball destroys a tiny toy guitar that spills legos out. A suplex onto them follows. Not a Saito, but it did come from Tank. Actually, there were two suplexes, first against Cash, then Cannonball. Tank may exhaust his monthly wrestling move allowance all at once here!

After a curb stomp from Tank against Cash onto a thumbtack bat, Cannonball tries to steal the pin. Tank breaks it up, then gets the remains of the toy guitar over his head from Cannonball. Man, this is dragging. Cannonball gets a submission from Cash with the world's most awkward 'Steiner Recliner' (commentary, not me) with a thumbtack baseball bat, and advances.

Tank obtains a microphone; something something so excited to be here, thank you all for letting me do this. During this speech, Cash sees it fit to remove his shirt and even pull down the singlet. Dude. I judge before the bell.

Well, this match was a drag. And it doesn't really get better, just different meh:

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Match 3 – Barbed Wire Boards – Marc Angel vs. G-Raver

Marc Angel, a man even less charismatic than Drew Blood, also wears a worse outfit: the first jeans shorts of the day, to a black t-shirt. G-Raver also wears all black. His shirt is sleeveless at least, but he wears long black sleeves, so it's still not great on the exposure-front. The one thing I give a point for is the mask although it's one of the goofier ones.

The reality is: I don't want to watch this. Usually, that's because of G-Raver. In this case, it's also his opponent. There is nothing interesting about Marc Angel whatsoever. I have seen him wrestle before and don't remember a single thing about it. The look is the worst of the day in a very weak field. The stipulation isn't all that different from the first match. There's just nothing here.

Skipping ahead, G-Raver won somehow and advances. Blergh.

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Match 4 – Carpet Striptease – Danny Havoc vs. JD Horror

Guess what Danny Havoc is wearing. Black shirt, long black cargo pants! I begin to remember why OPW was the cradle of the Deathmatch Fashion Police. JD Horror wears all black, too, but so far he's the only one who wears 100 % wrestling attire. He should have been in the homerun derby, because fashion-wise, this will likely be a homerun for him.

There are a lot of carpet strips and some are painted purple to match the ropes. Nice. That makes the ring the runner-up to JD Horror.

The match starts off with actual wrestling. Again, that's a first today. They are only at the second wristlock, but I'm calling it here. MOTN, no matter what happens after. What happens is a reminder that pro wrestling involves a certain amount of showmanship, another thing the previous matches were missing. Horror goes for the carpet strips, Havoc defends against the attack with his shield. Horror makes first contact with the carpet strip fencing, then a brawl ensues outside the ring. Back inside, the trend to incoroprate wrestling moves into a wrestling match continues. A big carpet strip bundle – which both use like a lighttube bundle – becomes a favorite, until they realize the thing won't break.

"How different from lighttubes can it be? What do you mean, 'it's not made of glass'?"

Havoc sets up a larger carpet strip contraption between chairs instead. Commentary feels especially clever for finding an excuse to use the f-word – 'but it can refer to a bundle of sticks!' Thankfully, JD Horror gives them something more interesting to talk about with a spinning Blue Thunder Driver that puts Havoc through the contraption.

He returns to the big bundle and his previous strategy to attack Havoc's ribs, and another carpet strip lattice is set up. This time, Horror goes through it with a Dragon Suplex from Havoc. He sets Horror up on the top rope and smashes him onto a rolled out carpet strip fence, then Havoc gets a round carpet strip contraption and dives onto Horror for a two count.

The purple carpet strip duckboards-looking thing gets set up on chairs, but instead of someone using it, a submission duel ensues. Horror finally manages to put Havoc on/through the carpet strip ramp twice and get a three count to advance. His outfit has only improved with a full crimson mask. I'm pretty sure we're looking at the undisputed winner right here.

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INTERMISSION, RECAP

So far, I'm not sold on this show. The one thing that really stands out is the last first round match which also calls for a comparison to Survival of the Sickest 1. Danny Havoc had the same stipulation – carpet strips – in that tournament. Betraying his opponent's name, they not really Drew all that much Blood. This time around, Havoc and Horror accomplished more on that front, while also keeping the weapon to wrestling ratio balanced.

For round 2, the most promising pairing – Horror vs. Tremont (a runner-up for MOTN in my previous review) – is not in the stars. It has already been pointed out by commentary that Tremont will face Jeff Cannonball, and JD Horror will have to endure the presence of G-Raver. The former could go either way. At worst it's going to be a repeat of the three way – lots of weapon use, barely any wrestling. There's nothing really wrong with that, but since I already sat through a fairly long match just like that, I wouldn't really want to watch another. The latter smells like a license for fishhooks. As I said many times before, that's not an issue for JD Horror. He rarely overuses them and generally incorporates weapons into moves rather than smashing or stabbing for extended periods of time. G-Raver, on the other hand, has always been a deathmatch spot monkey who struggles with transitions and basics, and more often than not resorts to just sticking stuff in peoples' faces. It's kind of like a legit black belt vs. some guy who 'trained' martial arts by watching Chuck Norris movies.

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ROUND 2

Match 1 – FBTW – Jeff Cannonball vs. Matt Tremont

Jeff Cannonball enters with a limp and an appropriate crimson mask, the latter being what it will likely come down to in this fashion wasteland. No outfit change for Tremont either, and the crimson mask is about the same as Cannonball's. Both have brought a weapon. Cannonball has what might be a file or grater on a necklace, and Tremont has a kitchen knife, I believe. The one detail that tips the scale in Cannonball's favor is that he wears shorts. At first glance, it was hard to tell if Tremont wears long pants or long shorts that blend into the black boots, but it's the former.

The weaponry consists of many things, some of which I can't identify right away. There are 1 – 2 ironing boards, a trashcan, possibly a vacuum cleaner, possibly a large cooler.

They start off with a lock-up and go down on the mat, then the inevitable headbutt duel begins. I'm moderately hopeful. It quickly turns into an outside brawl and the trashcan gets its first dents. Now they wander outside – as in, the parking lot – and Cannonball puts his carving device to use. It's very dark now, but there's a pile of leftovers from the carpet strip match to serve as the scenery for an exchange of punches.

The camera switches to night vision and that actually works. I will now hold every single camera man to this standard.

Tremont and Cannonball, followed by wrestling's best camera man, return to the building and the ring. The lid of the trashcan gets used to floor Cannonball. It is painted purple. Considering the slim fashion pickings, the weaponry might end up on the Best Dressed podium, too. Cannonball fights back with a keyboard, then with cymbals and a crutch. I don't think I've seen cymbals in a deathmatch, and my first impression is: fantastic idea. Somebody considered deathmatch acoustics! Percussion instruments in general should be used more. In other news, the cooler is actually a tube TV.

Ugh. Cannonball has a drill with a fork on it. After a brief duel against Tremont's BBQ fork or knife, he gets to use it. We were doing so well with weapons, and now this. It looks bad, there's no sound at all, and to make it worse, the much better vacuum cleaner with its great potiental to shatter and make boom is right there. If the urge to use a household appliance is so irresistable, why not go for that one?

Cannonball finally abandons his shitty weapon and picks the marginally better TV. Tremont kind of leg sweeps him onto it. I want to see the vacuum. Give me the damn vacuum. Ok, Tremont gets an ironing board and hits a cannonball against Cannonball through it. That looked really good, but it doesn't diminish my desire to see someone get hit with the vacuum cleaner.

Cannonball hits a Death Valley Driver onto the ironing board, then a standing slugfest ensues. VACUUM. USE THE DAMN VACUUM. Nope, more Death Valley Drivers, and a two count. OH MY. Cannonball has the vacuum! And he brainbusters Tremont onto it for a three count. I knew the vacuum was the best weapon!

Tremont, crawling, obtains a microphone and declares friendship.

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Match 2 – Cinderblocks & Casket - JD Horror vs. G-Raver

What a curious stipulation, but I guess you have to come up with new mix'n'match combos if glass is off the table (which seems to be the case here).

G-Raver ditched the mask and hood, but that won't make a difference. JD has a better mask and facepaint to beat Raver's accessory game, and his wrestling attire ratio is by far the best in the tournament. Raver also completely lacks blood and JD Horror really, really doesn't. In fact, he has the best crimson mask of the night.

There are 3 cinderblocks in 3 corners, and a casket – black and purple – in the 4th. It might contain lighttubes, but I only got a very brief glimpse yet.

The match begins with a lock-up that soon turns into a test of strength that moves toward the casket. Now I can see that it is filled with barbed wire. Lighttubes/glass really seem to be banned. As so often, Raver struggles with the basics and just wiggles out of the headlock instead of countering with anything resembling a wrestling move. JD Horror kicks him out of the ring, then kicks and knee strikes Raver some more for good measure.

I won't lie. If there was ever a time I wanted to see a one-sided beatdown that ends with some half-assed kick, it's right now. And so far, that's exactly what I'm getting. JD Horror dominates and I'm here for it. Back in the ring, Horror puts the coffin down, but Raver interrupts whatever he's planning with a cinderblock strike and a dropkick. This offense doesn't last long. Horror is back in charge after a kick and a lariat. The cover only gets a two, and Horror proceeds to push Raver toward the coffin and barbed wire. Still, the coffin remains intact and Horror makes good use of the cinderblock instead, lining them up.

Oh boy. Raver is just so bad. After getting whipped into the corner, he jumped out over the top rope. Horror didn't pursue and slowly walked over to position himself in front of the cinderblocks. And Raver still barely hit his double knees. Does he need opponents to hold up a giant bullseye to aim his moves properly?

Horror stays down after a cover that only got a two, and naturally G-Raver makes no attempt to redeem himself and instead fumbles around with his tattoo needles. If I didn't know that's what it is because this is G-Raver, I wouldn't have a clue what's going on. It could have been fishhooks, needles, syringes, all the small shit that just never looks good.

???

I only catch a glimpse of the tattoo needles when JD Horror takes them off Raver and jams them into his skull. Wait. Is that just one big needle? Maybe it's a syringe. Who knows. Who cares.

Horror sure doesn't because he abandons the thing in favor of a cinderblock and DDTs Raver onto it. Again only a two. The coffin is still untouched. Commentary still claims it's needles.

JD Horror turns his attention to the coffin now. G-Raver fights out of the suplex attempt and shoves JD's face into the barbed wire. Shortly after, Horror evades a kick and chokeslams Raver into the barbed wire coffin. It's still only good for a two, so Horror goes for a crossface submission – something entirely foreign to G-Raver, who submits out of sheer confusion.

It wasn't short or a half-assed kick as the finish, but all things considered, I'm pleased with this.

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NON-TOURNAMENT MATCH

OPW Heavyweight Title Match

Tony Deppen (C) vs. Sean Carr

Since it's neither a tournament match nor a deathmatch, I'll only give my fashion verdict and otherwise skip. Sean Carr wears black tights with some neon-green. Tony Deppen wears blue-silver spandex shorts with matching kickpads and a black hoodie, but I doubt he'll wrestle in it. Someone frantically rings the bell as soon as he enters the ring, so technically I have to count the hoodie. No introductions have been made though, and I assume this is just a jokster with a bell, not the official match begin. Commentary helpfully points out the official bell ring, and the hoodie was gone before it rang. Nothing wrong with either outfit, but I dislike Sean Carr's extremely shiny belt. I think it's really black/silver, but often looks white. Victory for Deppen, who also retains in the end.

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FINAL

Brush Away Your Sins

JD Horror vs. Jeff Cannonball

No outfit change for Horror, appropriate battle damage for a final. No outfit change for Cannonball, less battle damage, but still a limp. The jokster with the bell strikes again, but this time, it comes too late. I already made my decision in favor of Horror.

The stipulation is a curious one again. What sins are being brushed away? How does one brush things with lattice and boards? I guess I'll find out.

They start off with lock-ups while commentary explains the stipulation. There are razorblades, gussets, barbed wire, carpet strips on the board, there's rubbing alcohol somewhere, and apparently actual brushes. Wire brushes. The name makes more sense now.

Weapons get evaded for now though. Cannonball and Horror remain methodical and cautious, until Cannonball succeeds in spearing Horror through the barbed wire board. It takes a while to get him out of the barbed wire, and Cannonball immediately tries to pin him once he gets free, naturally to no avail. Cannonball misses a cannonball and puts himself through the wire brush board, and strangely, Horror gets a two count after that. He procees to stab Cannonball's arm with something – apparently one of the wire brushes. As a wire brush owner, I can attest that they are not stabbing devices, but it still works to draw blood. Horror follows up with kicks, then places the remains of the board over Cannonball and jumps onto it. Another pin, another two count, and Cannonball launches an offense by throwing Horror through the carpet strip lattice.

The brawl continues on the outside, still involving the lattice, then Cannonball finds chairs under the ring. As he begins to throw them in the ring, Horror gets up and stabs Cannonball's head with something – a piece of lattice, but it's hard to see. Both return to the ring and now Cannonball works Horror's head with something. Might be the lattice piece, might be a wire brush. Cannonball goes into the razor board shortly after, and Horror briefly continues the carving with a razorblade. Apparently, it is too finicky for his taste, and he instead tries to suplex Cannonball onto the board. The attempt is blocked, and Cannonball puts Horror onto the razorblades with a Russian Leg Sweep instead.

While Horror is down, Cannonball returns to his chairs and sets one up. He seems to plan something with the wire brushes on the ropes, but gets interrupted before he can continue the construction. JD Horror now... OH NO! Is that a goddamn pool of rubbing alcohol?! My old enemy! I have hated the pool of rubbing alcohol for so long, I barely even remember what sparked our blood feud. But I'll be damned if I'll ever stop dissing the stupid thing.

Fuck that pool and everything it stands for.

While I was distracted by my blind hatred, Cannonball gained the upper hand again and hammered a gusset plate into JD Horror's arm. He now returns to his construction, setting up a door (possibly with carpet strips) over two chairs and the fucking pool of rubbing alcohol. A struggle in the corner ends with Horror on the top rope, and Cannonball hitting the Iconoclasm on him through the pillow fort. The cover yields a three count, and Jeff Cannonball wins Survival of the Sickest 2.

Previous winner Louie Ramos brings the trophy, and going by the remaining run-time (out of a 2 hours 43 mins total), there will be 10 minutes of speeches. Ramos kicks it off by putting Cannonball over, followed by Cannonball's victory speech and him putting JD Horror over. He also says that this was the first ever deathmatch tournament headlined by two people who don't eat animals. Which is nice, but also not really something I desperately wished for or ever thought about before.

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FINAL THOUGHTS

That was a pretty entertaining final. Overall, I'd say the tournament was middle of the road, with the second round being more entertaining than the first where only Havoc vs. Horror really held my attention. There's a more than obvious trend in my final ranking, and that trend has a mask, a facepaint, and a crimson mask. The final was the MOTN for good balance and pacing, and making surprisingly good use of a weird focal weapon. Runners-up are Horror vs. Havoc – simply a solid match with the best weapon to wrestling ratio - and Horror vs. Raver, not exactly a technical masterclass, but very entertaining to me because it was so hilariously one-sided.

The Best Dressed trophy, considering only the tournament, goes to JD Horror, runner-up is the ring. Horror is, unsurprisingly, also the MVP with a total of 3 matches, all in the MOTN ranking, and carrying hard in the case of G-Raver.

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