IWA-DS Violent Shit Cup (2022)

♫ IWA Deep South is a rollercoaster, you just gotta ride it ♪

This sounds scary, I know, but the emphasis is on 'violent' more than 'shit'. It's a mini tournament for the Violent Shit Cup, a prelude to Carnage Cup 13 that took place in December 2023. As so often, it's a very mixed bag that evokes a rainbow of emotions, ranging from 'urgent desire to relocate to a different planet' to 'spiritual awakening'.

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Non-Tournament Match – Ring of Fire - John Rare vs. Brian White

Greatest Total Defecation Clusterfuck Rumble

VIOLENT SHIT CUP

Match 1 – Lil Sicko vs. Skitzo

Match 2 – Blaine Evans vs. Mr. 8 Ball Greg Bell

Match 3 – Jamie Richards vs. Bryant Woods

FINAL

Final Thoughts

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Non-Tournament Match

Ring of Fire - John Rare vs. Brian White

Without any ado, John Rare enters the backwoods arena with the 10 Dollar Wrestling championship. In regards to outfits, this isn't his strongest showing. I'm used to Rare in all wrestling attire, but today he wears a stars and stripes shirt over it. Black/white wrestling tights, shoes, and mask still make it acceptable. Brian White, not 'the deathmatch juggalo' yet, wears a black shirt to tan pants and proper kickpads. It's not a winner, but at least firmly in the realm of 'acceptable' around these parts. Oh wait, there's a change. White's shirt comes off. Normally, that's not a good thing, but Rare's shirt stays on, so based on lighter color and exposure, White wins this one. Treasure the moment, Mr. White. That's likely a once in a lifetime!

No stipulation is announced. No ropes barbed wire inferno, I'd say at first glance. The rags are not yet on fire. Kris Kloss also mentions firecrackers, and there's a bundle of light tubes in a corner. And apparently there are gusset plates. The kerosine rags get lit up early on. Rare goes into the flames and stays on fire for several seconds. A 'big splash' from White that doesn't break the single light tube on Rare is the first wrestling move, in the wider sense. White takes the remains of the fire to the face. After some chops, Rare is thrown into firecrackers as they go off and shroud the ring in smoke. Rare finds a pizza cutter, carves White a bit, then things get confusing. Rare finds something else – it's very small and due to the high contrast that renders the canvas and everything on it almost white, neither Kris Kloss nor I can make out what it is. My guess is razor blades, Kloss guesses some kind of dental wire. Either way, Rare uses it on White's mouth.

The rags on the other side of the barbed wire get lit. Rare gets a bundle of skewers, hammers them into White's forehead, then attacks him with burning pieces of wood. He proceeds to set up a board between chairs. There are firecrackers on it, and Rare adds light tubes. White goes through it with a suplex – the third wrestling move, if you count the chops – and Rare wins. Kris Kloss also finally says that it's officially called 'Ring of Fire'.

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Oh no. Kloss announces there'll be a Clusterfuck Rumble. Those are always very aptly named. OH NO. After a cut, the ropes are back and decorated with toilet paper.

Greatest Total Defecation Clusterfuck Rumble

I'll put it this way: Later on this card, we'll get Bryant Woods, Blaine Evans, and Lil Sicko. For all we must endure, we shall be rewarded. And now, it's unfortunately time to endure.

Over the top battle royal, new entrant every 2 minutes. The fashion trainwreck is inevitable as the first entrant is Juicy Bruce. Please don't dance. He dances.

Purple robes, jeans shorts, pink cowboy hat, sneakers, white socks. The second entrant is Adam Warski aka 'the Brown Meanie', member of the Nation of Defecation. This is hopeless.

On to the match: I don't want to talk about it. Kris Kloss says the winner of this rumble will be crowned IWA-DS Underground Television Champion. What now? Has that title ever been defended? Or just been mentioned? Entrant 3 is 'Mr. 8 Ball' Greg Bell. He looks so normal even though he just wears a black t-shirt and dark blue shorts. He even has wrestling boots and a singlet under the shirt! Undisputed winner right there! He chokeslams Warski into legos. Nice. In a world where only this match, and this match alone exists, Greg Bell is my favorite wrestler.

Entrant 4 is announced, but nothing happens. After Adam Warski just sits down and chats with Kris Kloss despite not being eliminated, Blaine Evans enters. I'm aghast. What did this poor man do to be punished with this match?! White shirt, tan shorts, singlet underneath, kickpads. It's not his usual attire, but considering what he has to put up with here, I don't blame him for not bothering.

Still no eliminations. At least things are slightly more entertaining because Evans beats everyone up. Then we get a 5th entrant, Reaper. Yellow-black spandex tights with matching bandana, and he has some title. This guy actually looks like a wrestler. That's huge. A jumping kick! A submission choke hold! Are we at WrestleMania all of a sudden?

Bell gets eliminated, Evans is dead inside.

Another entrant is announced. It's Turdy, in a turd mascot costume, of course. Evans is now undead inside.

Turdy eliminates him. Reaper finally enters the ring, after brawling on the outside since his arrival. Infuriated by the elimination of the only other wrestler, he launches an attack on everyone in reach.

For this one brief moment, it was almost on the verge of becoming a wrestling match.

Kloss rightfully calls this 'a shit show' and 'not a pretty sight', then threatens everyone with another entrant. How many are there? Will this never end? Why have the gods turned from us? It's Mikey, the rubber mask guy from the Nation of Defecation.

Reaper keeps trying, to no avail. I'm relatively sure he's only here because somebody is holding his family hostage.

Kloss says 'the final entrant', only to set this brief glimpse of hope ablaze by correcting himself to 'the next entrant'. That's just cruel. It's not as bad as I feared. The next entrant is 'The Queen' Melanie Monroe who actually wears themed attire and wouldn't look entirely out of place in a regular womens match. I don't dig bright purple laces to dark-green hair, but when I'm nitpicking shoe lace colors, it can't be too bad all in all.

Oh no. The last entrant is Kevin Brannen, I mean, 'the Shithook Icon' Borriss Dukkee. While he enters, Reaper gets eliminated by Juicy Bruce. The last faint hope in this dying world now rests on Melanie Monroe. There are eliminations of people I thought were long gone, but were actually dumbing around on the outside. As it soon turns out, Monroe is a terrible wrestler, but she's all we have left in these dark days. She somehow wins while the camera follows a flailing Adam Warski as he chases Juicy Bruce into the woods in slow motion. Monroe receives the IWA-DS Underground Television title. This match is why the gods stopped loving us.

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VIOLENT SHIT CUP

There will be three first round matches, winners will compete in a triple threat. The push pin table alone already makes me hopeful. There are also legos and red balloons in the ring, and a bunch of other weapons. Wait... What did Kloss just say? The triple threat match will be a ONE HOUR LONG IRON MAN match?! Well, I suppose we do have time for that. It's only 45 mins into a 2 hours 15 mins show. The previous clusterfuck just felt like an eternity.

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Match 1 – Lil Sicko vs. Skitzo

Sicko wears all white to his face paint, and he has a trash can with more weapons. I believe we are looking at the winner of the Best Dressed competition. His stable mate and co-champion Skitzo - face paint, white pants, black shirt – isn't far off.

They ignore the weapons and start off with chain wrestling. Skitzo then breaks the pattern and the first light tube. Kloss expresses concern about finding his way home as the sun is about to set in the backwoods, but visibility remains fine. Among the big spots are Sicko hammering a gusset plate into Skitzo's forehead with a cricket bat, Sicko getting powerbombed through a board with 'stupid balloons', and a light tube-enhanced Corkscrew Splash. After that, they go back to mat wrestling and a submission duel for a while.

The finish looks spectacular; Sicko counters a powerbomb into a headscissor to the outside onto the push pin table.

I'm writing this review a day before Carnage Cup 14 for which a re-match between Sicko and Skitzo has been announced. I'm hyped. This was a great match with fantastic intensity and interesting twists and turns. It definitely deserves a bigger stage than in got here.

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Match 2 – Blaine Evans vs. Mr. 8 Ball Greg Bell

No outfit changes; Evans wins with overall lighter colors. The ring has gained a new weapon, a barbed wire board. Early on, a carpet strip bundle turns up as well. Again, we get chain wrestling to open the match, although not for long. Evans has the bolt cutters. It was a weird time in his life/career. The referee stops him from 'amputating another finger', and Bell tries a quick roll up that goes nowhere. Near the camera, Kevin Brannen can be heard muttering 'shoot style, baby' repeatedly.

For the most part, Evans dominates – which I don't mind, because apparently Mr. 8 Ball is a slap fighter, so he deserves the beating. Friendship with Greg Bell has long ended, Blaine Evans is new best friend. He wins after an Iconoclasm from the top rope through a chair-board-carpet strip-light tube pillow fort on the outside. Mediocre match, great finish.

The final will be a 45 mins Iron Man Triple Threat, Kloss now says. The ring has changed quite a bit. The leftover weapons are gone. Now there's a barbed wire pallet, a corner full of carpet strips, loose tubes and an ironing board.

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Match 3 – Jamie Richards vs. Bryant Woods

Jamie Richards wears all black, but a good amount of wrestling attire, including proper shoes/kickpads and custom shorts. There's some kayfabe confusion about not having an opponent for him. Also a rose colored sky which looks nice. The kayfabe confusion dissipates with the arrival of Bryant Woods who wins the fashion face off with white shorts and kickpads.

With the two biggest competitors, this starts off as an intense brawl and almost immediate weapon use. Woods offers variety though; throwing, kicking, and cannonballing through the plunder. There's more balance here, too. Richards gets in a good amount of offense, unlike Greg Bell before. This match also features a bright pink baby crib with barbed wire, carpet strips, and light tubes.

Just before Woods can put Richards through it, a wild Blaine Evans appears, attacks with a light tube, and Richards manages to put Woods through the crib for a three count.

I just realized that this was the setup for their match at Carnage Cup 13. Better late than never! And I honestly can't blame Kloss for not bringing this up at CC13. Seeing what he had to endure here, lost and alone on commentary, I assume he repressed the memory of this show.

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The final is now a 35 mins Iron Man match.

Kloss interviews Woods, then Evans. The narrative he – and I – completely forgot is that Evans is allegedly afraid of Woods. His outrage would be a bit more convincing if Kloss wasn't reading his lines from a visible script.

Interview with Jamie Richards, then Lil Sicko. By now, there's little substance to it and they seem to be buying time to finish the preparation of the ring. Staffers attach light tubes to the ropes one by one in slow motion.

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FINAL

Triple Threat Iron Man Match (no time given) - Lil Sicko vs. Blaine Evans vs. Jamie Richards

Kloss has given up. Whoever gets the most... pins, victories, points... will be declared Violent Shit Cup winner. So much for the rules. No outfit change for Lil Sicko, other than his face paint being mostly gone. No change for Evans or Richards either. Easy victory for Lil Sicko aka the end boss of deathmatch fashion.

Visibility is so-so due to the camera being directly behind the light tube fencing. Otherwise, all leftover weapons are available; bats, crutches, barbed wire pallet. One camera angle makes the match look like a Lana del Rey video.

The match, on the other hand, starts off strong with a great balance between weapon use and wrestling. IWA-DS gets often called a mudshow with no hint of respectable wrestling, but I have seen far worse in the finals of far more esteemed tournaments. In fact, it stands out that they don't forego wrestling in favor of smashing shit like is usually the case in 100 – 300 light tubes matches. The first true smash scene is nothing like the usual fare either: Sicko throws light tube bundles at Richards who smashes them in the air with a baseball bat.

Naturally, the match slows down a bit at some point – all three will go the full time, however many minutes it is set for now – then comes back with an bang. Evans hurls Sicko to the outside, through a huge pillow fort consisting of ladders, chairs, gusset boards, and Christmas ornaments. This spot alone makes this worth watching. Evans and Richards try some submissions in the meantime; Referee Sadisto checks on Sicko who actually gets up relatively quickly to brawl with Richards and even breaks up a pinfall by Evans.

Kloss announces that 20 minutes have passed, no falls yet. Sicko, undeterred by the insane bump he just took minutes ago, dives from the top rope to the outside with a light tube bundle. It's hard to tell if he (or the others) are 'selling' or reacting naturally at this point. What I'm saying is – this isn't a series of no sells; everyone acts appropriately, battered and kept going by pure determination.

Sicko continues to prove that he's inhuman. Back in the ring, and after putting his trash can over Richards and headbutting it down on him, Sicko follows up with a Coast to Coast to score the first three count. On the subject of Eric Ryan trademark moves, Evans enters the ring and shows a Running Curb Stomp against Sicko, then sandwiches him in a ladder for a creative cross-legged Half Crab and smashes him with the trash can and ladder.

Their duel continues on this high level. After Sicko uses the ladder as a javelin against Evans, we get a Slingshot Powerbomb into a Boston Crab – then Richards gets involved and takes Sicko into a chokehold. No points scored, but everyone is down. Richards and Sicko come to first, to go into a headbutt duel and a quick pinfall attempt over Evans that gets only a two. Evans almost gets a three over Sicko after a German Suplex. Sicko rolls out of the ring, Evans tries his luck with Richards because he still hasn't run out of wrestling moves more than 20 minutes into the match. The Standing Enzuigiri gets him only a two again, and Sicko rejoins them for a triple headbutt that leaves everyone floored. Evans almost gets a three on Sicko again after a Spinebuster, which Richards breaks up in the very last moment.

A fire is lit outside the ring. Kloss says it's the 'final minutes', but not what the current time limit is. Man, that fire is big. It's a table, but it looks like an inferno.

And Sicko goes into it after a Backdrop from Richards. He's immediately extinguished, thankfully. Meanwhile, Evans tries to Small Package Richards and fails to get a three yet again.

Now Kloss talks numbers. 35 minutes passed, 25 to go. Evans still has wrestling moves, Sicko still isn't done either and returns to the action with a barbed wire tennis racket against Richards. He scores a second fall over Richards after a Twisting Corkscrew Dive through a table. For some reason, the ref stops the match and declares Sicko the winner despite the recent announcement of 25 minutes to go. Bryant Woods reappears and Death Valley Drivers Evans. The show ends, and the gods smile upon us again.

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Final Thoughts

I started watching deathmatches back in 2000, 2001. I have seen many tournaments and many finals. And this one was hands down the best of them. Not 'one of the best'. The best. This match is nothing short of impressive. Going almost 40 minutes with little downtime, it's beyond unhinged and still manages to have more wrestling – good wrestling, not botches – incoroprated into the madness than many other matches/finals. The confusing time limit and sudden ending would normally be a bit of an issue, but this match is so much fun that I have no problem overlooking it. If I had to guess, the inofficial time limit seemed to be 'whenever Bryant Woods is back from the hospital'. He was gushing after the qualifier match and came back with fresh bandages.

When IWA-DS is bad, it's bad – see any match involving Boriss Dukkee. And in turn, when IWA-DS is good, it's on a whole different level that makes all my synapses light up like a Christmas tree. Seriously, just skip the toilet paper bullshit and give this a shot because this final deserves, no, demands to be seen.

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