It's 2019 and IWA-DS is IWA-DSing. The card is a wild mix of people I have a fairly high opinion of, people I have never heard of in my life, and people I wish I had never heard of to the day. The average score on Cagematch is 1/10, so hey ho, let's go!
The first round consists of three ways set for one fall; the two unpinned wrestlers will advance to round two. Although I strongly suspect this will be a train wreck, the Deathmatch Fashion Police will do its duty once again.
ROUND 1
Match 1 – Carpet Strip House of Pain – John Rare vs. Travis Dykes vs. Scott Patterson
Match 2 – Holiday Horrors – Boriss Dukkee vs. Jay Impact vs. Jeremy Snaker
Match 3 – Construction Deathmatch – Aiden Blackheart vs. Blaine Evans vs. Leland Learnswell
Match 4 – Ladders & Ultraviolent Doors – Cody McCulley vs. Lil Donnie vs. Jerry Nelms
Recap
ROUND 2
Non-Tournament Match
FINAL
Final Thoughts
Interestingly, none of the matches features glass (presumably due to state laws), but there's still a wealth of deranged weapons, including scissors bats, razor wire, pigeon spikes, knives, and saw blades. On that front, this tournament definitely doesn't need to hide.
ROUND 1
Match 1 – Carpet Strip House of Pain – John Rare vs. Travis Dykes vs. Scott Patterson
John Rare, the eponymous Angel of Death, wears black-white wrestling attire and a grey mask. 100 % wrestling attire ratio, colors could be better. Travis Dykes wears all black, but he has a singlet, so the wrestling attire ratio is still ok. His hair is in a bun, but since this is the first time I review him/his outfit, I'll say it here: This man has goddamn beautiful hair. I've seen matches that could double as shampoo commercials. 'The American Infidel' Scott Patternson, a stable mate of Rare in New Religion, brings the wrestling attire ratio down, being the only one without singlet. T-shirt, long pants, all black. It's not entirely a lost cause: He has face and arm paint. Winner of the fashion three way is clearly John Rare though.
Rare and Patterson team up against Dykes early on. For the most part, it's a smash fest in slow motion. There are long scenes of everyone standing around or throwing/smashing various carpet strip weapons. Rare's scissor bat gets used, but it's not especially interesting. At some point, the teamwork stops and Rare also smashes strips on his partner. It doesn't necessarily make the match better, but at least Rare moves faster and with purpose. He also takes the most spectacular bump, a top rope powerbomb from Dykes through a board with hot curling irons. Patterson, despite getting attacked by Rare earlier, saves his partner from a DDT, takes it himself instead, and gets pinned by Dykes.
Say what you will, it was a match. You can count the wrestling moves on one hand, but they were there. It was just really, really slow. On the plus side, I roughly knew everyone involved and there was some kind of storytelling between Rare and Patterson.
A person in a full gorilla costume and carrying a cookie tray appears, followed by some guy in a dark blue tracksuit and a rubber mask, and Kevin Brannen err I mean Boriss Dukkee in a Walking Dead t-shirt and shorts. According to the on-screen graphic, the two costumed randos are Apeshit and Mikey. Please don't let this be a match.
Match 2 – Holiday Horrors – Boriss Dukkee vs. Jay Impact vs. Jeremy Snaker
Boriss Dukkee will never ever win a fashion face off because I refuse to accept him as a wrestler. I do accept Jay Impact as such, but he's not going to win anything either: black hoodie, blue jeans, sneakers, but to his credit, he's fairly accessorized with a chain with skulls, barbed wire halo, and a weaponized paddle. All hopes rest on the third entrant now. I'm not sure who 'The King' Jeremy Snaker is, but he has a black singlet (to long black pants) and that indeed makes him the king in this match. He also has a valet and a barbed wire cricket-bat.
The weaponry is made of holiday decor. I see string light barbed wire and I love that. I just wish there were other people using this stuff. Jay Impact also represents New Religion, Rare's stable. Other than his woefully gas station clerk-y outfit choices, he's the glimpse of hope in this match, having at least some wrestling experience and not doing too bad on the showmanship front. He does provide several wrestling moves, but I don't think there's anything he can do to make this a somewhat acceptable match. Dukkee won't take anything, so it's mainly Impact beating up Snaker and Dukkee sometimes adds the world's weakest weapon shots.
This is honestly hopeless. If it wasn't for a review, I'd skip. What a waste of a fun stipulation. The misery ends with Dukkee's first and only attempt at a wrestling move of his career; something resembling a Sidewalk Slam against Snaker. Dear lord, Dukkee advances. What did I do to deserve this?
Match 3 – Construction Deathmatch – Aiden Blackheart vs. Blaine Evans vs. Leland Learnswell
With Aiden Blackheart, a true glimpse of hope enters the competition. Black shirt, tan shorts, proper boots; nothing to write home about, but at least he can wrestle. The same can be said about Blaine Evans; all in black, but with the best wrestling attire ratio since John Rare. Evans has such a good death glare, too. The third competitor is a surprise and another glimpse of hope in several ways. No sports wear here. He wears a white shirt with red bow tie, black suspenders, nerd glasses, and grey shorts. A theme! A gimmick! A comedy one at that! Actual comedy, not Brannen's toilet humor. Not only does Learnswell win this fashion round, no. If this guy knows only one wrestling move more than Boris Dukkee, this could be a MOTN contender. (Yes, the bar is low.) Blackheart has some comedic talent himself, Evans is a perfect no-nonsense foil – I'm really hopeful for this one.
Weaponry includes a guitar – yay! - some kind of board, carpet strips, cinder blocks, gussets, and a rubber hammer. Leland goes all out with this 80s nerd gimmick, and for the first time, the crowd makes some noise. I'm a fan already. The opening heralds my favorite: two legit tough guys with a pesky underdog to get between them.
A minute in and I'm convinced it can't get better than this. Leland's wrestling move count goes up to one with gimmicky body slams against both Evans and Blackheart. The nerd is also not afraid of the weapons and puts more force behind the shots than Dukkee. Everything is on the right track for a MOTN! There's a suplex from Leland – Dukkee's move count has been beaten. For the finish, Blackheart first smashes the gusset guitar over Evans, then staples Leland's mouth shut before a Falcon Arrow onto barbed wire plunder.
Man, I didn't expect something so fun when I saw the card! Good death match, good comedy elements, good balance - the gimmicky underdog certainly pulled his weight. This will be a tough one to beat for the MOTN.
Match 4 – Ladders & Ultraviolent Doors – Cody McCulley vs. Lil Donnie vs. Jerry Nelms
'The Black Sheep' Cody McCulley isn't Tyler Graves yet. In fact, he looks so young that I wonder if he could legally buy beer, but hey, this is IWA-DS. It probably doesn't matter. Anyway. His fashion game isn't especially strong. Black shirt, long black pants, white boots, but there's a hint of a theme – his vest has punk and metal patches, his shirt a nice coffin design. He's not hopeless, just greener than the rolling hills of Ireland.
The second entrant is a veteran – 'Bad Ass' Lil Donnie. How do I put this? Let me begin by saying that I have a very soft spot for the deep south. I don't buy into the often unflattering stereotypes. But sometimes, just sometimes, you can tell why they exist.
[Closed Captions: enabled]
[Music: Sweet Home Alabama]
White shirt, long blue jeans, black boots. Lack of black, that's good. Proper boots, too. That counts for something. Way too much street wear though.
[Sweet Home Alabama intensifies]
Look, I'm trying not to judge a book by its cover, but what am I supposed to do if the book's title is The Family Wreath? I'll just move on to better prospects. The good news is that it can't get any worse!
Not only does it not get worse, but a lot better. What a roller coaster. Jerry Nelms is rather easy on my anguished eyes, not just in comparison to the rest of this card. He's the obscure third member of my ginger trifecta alongside Murdoch and Mercer, so he could as well wear a clown costume for all I care. He doesn't, but it's not that far off either. He's all in white, all in street wear, has some kind of facepaint, and without the on-screen graphic, I wouldn't ever have guessed that his moniker was 'Berserker' at the time. (It's Lone Wolf nowadays.) I suppose the rune logo could have been a hint, but whatever. Ginger bonus does some heavy lifting, ding ding ding, we have a winner.
The stipulation is straight-forward, except for the fact that I only see a single ladder on the outside. My ginger prince has two pumpkins with backup weapons though; a staple gun and a gusset plate have already emerged. Some board with... I have no idea, something that looks like splinters of wood, maybe? - is shoved in the ring while Nelms continues to prove that he's the most agile out of the three. Which is not hard by any means, but it's something. Even better, Nelms and McCulley get rid of Lil Donnie after using him to break a door, and just duke it out without him for the most part. McCulley is the 3.6 roentgen of rookies; not great, not terrible. When Nelms has to be freed from the barbed wire by the ref, McCulley improvises well and keeps things going – while Lil Donnie contributes mainly just his presence to that effort.
What also makes this match vaguely bearable is commentary where Travis Dykes makes a good impression.
At some point, Lil Donnie and McCulley have a fairly good outside brawl/slug fest. That proves to be all Donnie can do though. He follows up with a terrible 'choke slam' against Nelms and something between a dropkick and a 'flying baseball slide' against McCulley. It also takes both opponents to... 'chokeslam', in the widest possible sense, Donnie through a barbed wire door because Donnie doesn't bother to jump even the tiniest bit. Nelms thankfully just pins him when he realizes Donnie stays down, and this train wreck is finally over.
Donnie gestures for a microphone. I don't think that's a good idea. For some reason, he talks about Terry Houston who, to my knowledge, is not on the card.
INTERMISSION, RECAP
The first round is a wild hodgepodge of everything. First, we have a slow, sluggish match in which I can at least discern some storytelling around Rare and his stable. Then we have the atrocity that is Boriss Dukkee, but I doubt his absence would have elevated the match all that much. The only positive was Jay Impact who isn't as useless as Dukkee and at least tried. There's just only so much he could do with a glorified rag doll – by which I mean Snaker – and whatever the hell Brannen thinks he is when he wears his stupid green mask. So despite Impact's efforts, this is a dud, bell to bell.
The construction match between Blackheart, Evans, and Learnswell stands out as positive in every way. Unfortunately, it seems Learnswell hasn't done much since. The most recent activity I can find are 3 matches (1 from 2020, 2 from 2023) under the name Josh Pain/Josh Carey. It's a shame because he made a really good impression here and I'm all for more gimmicky comedy folks in the deathmatch scene. Anyway, I'm fairly certain this match will firmly remain on the MOTN podium. It was brutal – the bloodiest of the round, had good pacing, balance, and strong storytelling to top it off. It's this kind of hidden gem I always hope to find under the piles of trash (and unhinged weapons) of lesser IWA-DS shows.
The last match, well. It was extremely difficult to enjoy my eye candy, given the circumstances. Cody McCulley, as I said, isn't useless, and Nelms had enough experience to keep things together, but both were severely gimped by Lil Donnie. I really struggle to keep things somewhat respectful, but this show isn't the first time that certain thoughts crossed my mind. One of them is: Donnie and his tag team/stable partner – Jeff Hart of 'tighty-wighty fight over a dissolving chocolate bar turd' fame – might be closely related in more than one way. Another is: These guys don't seem to be all there. I'm not sure it's ethical to put them in a ring. Neither can wrestle for shit, and at times it looks more like outbursts caused by severe developmental delays than 'brawling'.
ROUND 2
Match 1 – Gusset Plates Hell FBTW - Jay Impact vs. Blaine Evans
Outfit change for Impact. He left the hoodie backstage. Unfortunately for him, Evans also left his shirt backstage and thereby reaches a 100 % wrestling gear ratio with a plain black singlet for a predictable victory. What is it with the Jays in IWA-DS? Jay Blade is physically incapable of looking like a wrestler; this Jay apparently doesn't want to. Or – considering he's among the many replacements on this card – he was called on such short notice that he didn't even have the time to borrow some shorts backstage.
Anyway, this is not the worst thing that could have happened in regards to wrestling ability. Leland Learnswell on commentary also seems like a good idea. We're actually getting some really solid chain wrestling here. If only Impact had a wrestling outfit... Apparently he has to leave New Religion if he doesn't win. There are a bunch of fun and rarely used weapons in this – pigeon spike bat, a salad bowl gusset plate helmet – but for the most part, this is a decent match with good intensity and plenty of wrestling. Weirdly enough, a double pin results in both advancing in the end. Could be worse, I suppose. At least these two have proven they can wrestle.
Match 2 – Fans Bring The Weapons - Aiden Blackheart vs. Jerry Nelms
No outfit change for either, so Nelms' all white beats Blackheart's black/tan combo. The ring hasn't changed all that much either, but I assume the gusset plates have been removed since it's no longer a gusset plate hell.
Unlike with the previous duo, there's no wrestling here. Blackheart immediately goes nuts with Nelms' kendo stick, then a saw that results in the quickest and most complete crimson mask of the night, and everything else in reach. There's gushing. It seems pretty bad at first glance, then worse at second and third. Nelms does something I very rarely see – wipe off the crimson mask because he can't even see. He also calls something to Blackheart who gives him a very long time on the ground, then tries what I presume was supposed to become a Brainbuster, but ultimately just drops Nelms into the thumbtacks and legos and gets a quick three count. Nelms' head wound looks bad, and John Rare carries him out, so yeah, I'm pretty sure this wasn't meant to be a 2 minutes squash. Poor ginger prince. :(
Match 3 – Sick Ass Boards – Travis Dykes vs. Cody McCulley
Minor outfit change for Dykes: the bun is a ponytail now. Maybe, if he makes it to the finals, I'll get to admire/envy his mane in its full glory. No change for McCulley either. Both in black, but Dykes has a singlet for a wrestling attire-based victory. The sick ass boards include disposable razors, long blades (do they really have 10+ machetes?! Maybe it's saw blades?), long skewers, pigeon spikes, forks, razor blades. According to commentary, there is also something on fire on a board.
Somewhat surprisingly, it's a methodical opening; avoiding weapons, evading attacks, even a little showmanship from both. Then there's a first holy shit moment; Dykes goes face first into the razor blade board after a drop toe hold from McCulley. A razor wire board is added to the mix, and the machetes turn out to be kitchen knives – which Dykes goes through as well. It's a relatively slow match and by no means a masterclass, but frankly, I've seen worse. (In the first round, for example.) The finish is even fairly creative: Dykes threatens McCulley with a kitchen knife to stay down. Simple as it is, this ranks high on the 'things people would do with this weapon in a real fight' scale. Measured by bumps/weapons taken, Dykes is in the running for MVP.
Match 4 – Thumbtacks & Thumbtack Weapons – John Rare vs. Boriss Dukkee
Rare wears a different mask, no other changes, but he would win no matter what because his opponent is not a wrestler. It is Kevin Brannen I mean Boriss Dukkee. Shirtless Boriss Dukkee. This is going to be brutal on the eyes. Brannen finally takes something – thumbtacks in the back. His own attacks still look weak as fuck, and I'm surprised he gets lightweight Rare lifted for a half-assed side slam.
Long story short, I hate every second of this. While this abomination plays out in the corner of my eye, I dream of all the opponents Rare could have had instead. Rare vs. Alex Nabiev. Rare vs. Drexl. Rare vs. literally anything and anyone except... Wait, where is Brannen? Rare is still in the ring and busy setting up a pane of glass between chairs, in a sea of thumbtacks and under a big ladder, and douses it in lighter fluid. Brannen seriously went backstage to put on a shirt. In the middle of the so-called match. The finish is a mess. They go off the ladder 'through' the flaming glass with the world's worst side slam, courtesy of one move wonder Brannen, then Rare breaks the glass pane over him because their awkward fall didn't accomplish that, and then wins. Small mercies.
NON-TOURNAMENT MATCH
Moonshine Bandit vs. Jeff Hart vs. Juicy Bruce
Moonshine Bandit wears sunglasses, camo baseball hat, black-white face paint, blue t-shirt, blue jeans, blue sneakers. Congratulations, you just managed to beat Jay Impact at looking least like a wrestler. Lil Donnie's pathos-laden theme plays, but nobody shows up. Yay! ... Oh. It's Jeff 'Hitman' Hart. White t-shirt, blue jeans, sneakers, whatever. This match is beyond hopeless, I can tell already. And yet we have a fashion winner. Juicy Bruce - purple robes, 3 feather boas, pink hat, jeans shorts, cigar, proper boots – enters to 'Me So Horny' and in the company of 2 very unenthusiastic 'ladies of the night'. Unfortunately for everyone, his entrance takes ages because he dances around the ring and pours baby oil on himself.
This is horrifying. I don't want to watch this. Skipping, I see a godawful scene of Hart and Bruce trying to throw Moonshine Bandit over the top rope and failing. Bruce's theme is still/again playing. Maybe he won. Maybe it's over. Please let it be over. Nope, it's still going. Cookie sheets. Chair shots. Mom, I want to go home now.
Scott Patterson appears and performs (presumably) the first and only wrestling move, a DDT, which allows Juicy Bruce to get the pin fall. Hooray! It's over! No, it's not. Bruce gets a mic and complains about the random interference. So does Hart. I think. Oh god, make it stop. Lil Donnie appears. My god, this is overkill. Help! HELP! I'm being oppressed! Donnie gets in the face of a random guy in the crowd; Bruce has to step in. Hart also tries to get to the guy and ring staff has to escort him out. Bruce now tries to get to the guy until staff escorts him out, too. What is happening. Why. PLZ HALP.
Sudden cut. John Rare is in the ring. I don't know why yet, but thank god. Oh. He's retiring, whether he wins or not. Rare talks about his Saw match against Spidar who is still not able to wrestle again, explains that the show had several cancellations, and Rare booked youngsters instead of other big names to give the next generation a shot. He also has a plaque that looks like a hall of fame one, but I'm not sure if it's his. I know he has two, and got one at Carnage Cup 12, so it's possible.
FINAL
SAW Legacy Five Way - Blaine Evans vs. Travis Dykes vs. Aiden Blackheart vs. Jay Impact vs. John Rare
Evans has the shirt on again. No changes for Dykes, except his singlet has several holes from the previous rounds. Well, hello there, Jay Impact, you are making progress! The hoodie is back, but he now has a mask! Another 10 rounds and he might whip out the sports wear! Blackheart has ditched his tan shorts in favor of light blue spandex, but still has the black shirt. Rare wears a New Religion t-shirt over his usual attire, but it comes off before the bell. Difficult. A lot of black here, not as much street wear though. I think I'll give this win to Blackheart, the only one who has non-black wrestling attire.
The ring has all the things – saw board, fork board, razor wire, barbed wire, skewer board, bats of various description, a pumpkin, pigeon spike board, scissors stick of some kind, and more. Immediate smash fest, with Blackheart doing the smashing. Until he gets Rare's box cutter into the arm, maybe a minute into the match. Blackheart flees, and two pairs form. While Impact and Evans are outside with a ladder contraption, Dykes takes yet another big bump when Rare puts him through the saw board. Impact goes through the giant skewer board on the outside, Rare through the pigeon spike board inside the ring. Blackheart is still not back. Rare merrily goes into the razor wire, twice, and yes, he's actually smiling. Evans and Impact keep busy with a gusset plate board while Rare and Dykes use razor wire and skewers, then Impact returns to the ring to let staff cut Rare out of a razor wire contraption.
Commentary is unsure if this is an elimination match.
Rare and Impact go outside – to a buzz saw. Regular readers know how I feel about power tools, but I have to give them this: struggling to push each other's wrist against a running saw blade looked truly dangerous. Still no sign of Blackheart, but the pairings switch. Rare stays in the ring with fellow New Religion member Jay Impact, Dykes and Evans are outside. Both duos resort to wrestling moves – and Jay Impact manages to pin John Rare after one. I guess now we'll see if this is an elimination match. It is indeed, but it's unclear if Blackheart is eliminated. There's no count out at least, but he's been gone for most of the match. Dykes pins Impact and is now alone with Blaine Evans who gets pinned by him shortly after – and as soon as the ref is done counting, Blackheart runs back in, hits a Frog Splash on Dykes, and wins.
Rare comes back to hand Blackheart the trophy and a microphone for a victory speech.
RECAP, FINAL THOUGHTS
Frankly, this was a bizarre finish and final. This being one of Rare's various retirements, the premise was clearly to find a new 'Angel of Death' – a nickname Rare confirmed belongs to Blackheart now. While Blackheart is a solid wrestler and can hang with the best when it comes to carnage, it's a strange choice to give him the victory after being fairly uninvolved in the match. John Rare is/was not about swerves like this. He is/was about going one (or several) steps beyond what most other deathmatch guys are willing to do. And in that respect, this tournament did find a successor – in Travis Dykes. He was the one who consistently took the bumps that are 'such a John Rare thing to do', with the sole exception of the box cutter. So in lieu of the tournament victory, he gets at least my imaginary MVP trophy. The Best Dressed one goes to Leland Learnswell.
All in all, this tournament was rough. The construction three way from round 1 was clearly the MOTN and it didn't get real competition. Blaine Evans vs. Jay Impact was decent. As long as Lil Donnie wasn't involved, Jerry Nelms vs. Cody McCulley was at least watchable, as was McCulley vs. Dykes. Some of the rest was so bad that it dipped into negative scores though, so I can't recommend the show as a whole.