CZW Tournament of Death 18 (2019)

Absolutely Hell

After my recent adventures in non-tournament shows, I made a list of things I can't and won't deal with this week:

• slap fights

• Kevin Brannen's weird fetishes

• pools of rubbing alcohol (don't really care, just dissing them on principle)

• 44OH interferences

• no-ring anything

• strobe lights

To be on the safe side, I will review CZW's Tournament of Death 18. It's outdoors and CZW rarely had issues with bad weather/nightfall, so I shouldn't encounter any annoying strobe lights. There's also a ring that is somewhat fenced in with little room to turn things into a no-ring show. Kevin Brannen is miles away, nobody but IWA-DS ever had the bright idea to put an hour of slap fights on a card, and it's too early in history for 44OH shenanigans. All bases should be covered. In addition, this card has the best Conor Claxton/People who are not Conor Claxton ratio out of all tournaments because Claxton wins this one. So if all else fails, I at least have my eye candy. And just for good measure, the Deathmatch Fashion Police will be in the house.

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ROUND 1

Match 1 – Doors of Death - Dan O'Hare vs. SHLAK

Match 2 – Summer Funtime – Jimmy Lyon vs. Conor Claxton

Match 3 – Shattered Dreams Panes of Glass – John Wayne Murdoch vs. Jimmy Lloyd

Match 4 – Bundles & Boards – Big F'N Joe vs. Casanova Valentine

Recap

Non-Tournament Match

ROUND 2

Non-Tournament Match

FINAL

Final Thoughts

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The show begins with DJ Hyde and the TOD trophy in a ring prepared with 4 doors, 1 with barbed wire, 1 with lighttubes, 2 with the back to the camera. Hyde talks. Lalala, you're not Conor Claxton, so I'm not listening. Is he about to sing the national anthem?! No, just introducing Larry Legend. Thank god. DJ leaves the announcement of parking issues and the state law against open alcohol to him. What a coward, but I rather listen to Legend than Hyde.

Commentary kicks in – Jimmy Rave and... I don't understand the name. Sounds like Bryan, Brian, Bryant? Something like that. Being a serious sports journalist, I try to look it up on Cagematch, but there's no entry. I google, check various sites; nothing. I finally resort to asking Bing CoPilot which gives me, in the following order: Larry Legend, just 'Danny', Danny Demanto, Kris Kloss, Kris Levin, then insists I misheard any of these names and ends the conversation. Mr. Brian-or-Bryan must be a real big shot.

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ROUND 1

Match 1 – Doors of Death - Dan O'Hare vs. SHLAK

Is it Brian Vinson on commentary? Is there someone else who can't pronounce 'Shlak'? Is it generally a problem for people named Brian?

Dan O'Hare wears his cop attire, most of which is unfortunately black or dark-grey. SHLAK looks like SHLAK. Easy fashion victory for him here. Commentary, on the other hand, isn't going to win any trophies, I can say that much already a few minutes into the match. Mystery Brian says something, then Rave chimes in with the most unenthusiastic 'Absolutely.' Or variations of 'I was about to say that'. At least they try to fill me in on the essentials. SHLAK and O'Hare are/were tag team partners as Storm of Entrails. Yeah, I know. Are they split up? Are they feuding? No info on that. Oh well. There was an attempt. The match is a decently paced brawl. Early blood from tube smashing, outside brawl, O'Hare handcuffs SHLAK before giving him chairshots at some point (there was a mention of SHLAK having a head injury a few weeks prior, so there's some context at last), the big outside suplex doesn't look quite right, the trend of SHLAK taking matches back into the ring continues.

The finish comes when O'Hare pulls a plastic bag over SHLAK's head, then rolls him up for a surprise 3 count. By the time the match is over, commentary has said the word 'absolutely' about 500 times.

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Match 2 – Summer Funtime – Jimmy Lyon vs. Conor Claxton

... I knew I forgot something on my list. Jimmy Lyon. Sensationally, he wears shoes. Just no wrestling shoes, but I have to be grateful for the small things here. Black t-shirt, cargo shorts. Does it matter? No. Conor Claxton, wearing his usual attire (unfortunately black, but acceptable because sports gear and fairly exposed compared to the long black pants faction), brings a water melon, then drops it near the crowd and proceeds to destroy it. The word 'absolutely' is still a favorite of commentary, and it is contagious. Both say it constantly now.

Jimmy Lyon leaves the ring/arena and Claxton tries to count him out. Yeah, I wish. Lyon comes back with a bed of pencils. It's also kind of dark now because even the weather conspires against me. I can still see, that's not the issue, but the relative darkness doesn't really give me summer fun vibes. Oh fucking hell. Lyon takes his shoes off. Also his shirt. NOOOOOOOO! STOP! Keep the pants on! Thank god, the match begins without further stripping.

Here we go again...

After Lyon gets thrown outside, he stays down and medics are called. Claxton just stands around in the meantime and the monster of a camera man uses the widest, most distant angle possible. Clearly, the narrative here is that I can't have nice things this week. (I'm writing this review a day after enduring IWA-DS Underground #1.) Lyon is transported out on a stretcher, then Claxton attacks him and the match disappears into the crowd. No camera follows the action. Where's that wide angle now, huh? The finish is a piledriver onto something - might be a truck, a van, a stage of sorts – and Claxton advances. Small mercies.

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Match 3 – Shattered Dreams Panes of Glass – John Wayne Murdoch vs. Jimmy Lloyd

Maybe I can have nice things, after all. Murdoch's head is buzzed, but today's motto is 'be grateful for the small things', so I just appreciate that he's here at all. In terms of fashion, this is difficult. Tan shorts, black shirt. Could go either way, depending on Lloyd's wardrobe. Lloyd wears all white. I'm sorry to say, but my ginger prince stands no chance here, even if the black shirt comes off. It does not because this week, I can't have nice things. The weather, which had briefly cleared up during the entrances, shrouds the ring in twilight again. A reflection of my soul. Oh, wait. The shirt does come off and proves that the weather is indeed empathetic – the sun comes out again.

During an outside brawl, commentary has an epiphany: falls count anywhere in TOD. You don't say. Murdoch does most of the heavy lifting here, as so often. He takes the big outside bump, then the pane of glass with the knife board. Jimmy Lloyd with his all white attire doesn't look anywhere near as messy as him, even deep into the match. It's really only Murdoch's blood on the shirt. I'm also cranky, so I change my fashion verdict. I often call Llyod a botch machine, but I didn't realize he can't even use a white shirt properly.

A wild Reed Bentley appears and assists Murdoch with a Deep South Destroyer from the top rope through a pane of glass. I don't know why Bentley is here and commentary doesn't clue me in on a feud or anything either. Oh well. This would have been a beautiful finish, but Jimmy Lloyd kicks out because of the general No Nice Things policy. Lloyd assault drivers Murdoch through the last pane and wins. What a travesty. 'Absolutely' is still the theme with commentary. I want to strangle them both.

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Match 4 – Bundles & Boards – Big F'N Joe vs. Casanova Valentine

Now here's a man who can handle his white attire. I've never seen a Big F'N Joe match that didn't end with him soaked in red. Jimmy Lloyd should take lessons from him. Getting Messy for Dummies. Casanova Valentine needs Deathmatch Attire for Dummies because he's all in black, with leather jacket, long jeans, and sneakers.

It's not really a super interesting match to me. The Conor Claxton/People who are not Conor Claxton ratio is not great here; a very disappointing 0/2. Joe is solid and usually quite entertaining. Casanova Valentine, not so much - so Joe has quite some work to do. Lots of outside brawling. LOTS of 'absolutely'. If I had to pick between 'wine and dine Conor Claxton in a picturesque bistro in the French countryside' and 'strangle commentary with a phone cord', I'd... MY GOD, GIVE ME THAT PHONE CORD ALREADY!

Valentine tries to summon Masada by using skewers, but to no avail. This match is mostly Valentine dominating and Joe taking all the bigger moves. Commentary claims it is the other way around, but I have long accepted that both of them are braindead. Valentine wins with something that vaguely resembles a Uranage from the top rope through a barbed wire board. No nice things.

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Not really an intermission, recap anyway

Oh, what could have been... Seeing I picked this show for its eye candy value, I shouldn't be complaining, but man, everything else is just so painful.

The commentary is the worst I ever had the misfortune of hearing. I can't stress enough just how terrible it is. With IWA-DS Underground #1, I wasn't sure if the random chatter was supposed to be play-by-play commentary, but it was quiet enough to be ignored. This is not. This is a constant stream of two zombies muttering 'Absolutely.' - 'Absolutely.' - 'Absolutely.' Rave especially sounds like he's trying to set a world record in 'staying awake on heavy duty tranquilizers'. I have heard better, more engaging and informative commentary in languages I don't even understand.

The matches were mostly watchable, but again, I must refer to the fact that I watched and reviewed 2 IWA-DS throwaway shows right before. Everything is watchable compared to MizzFett vs. some slap fight guy. And dare I say, Circus of Chaos vs. Jay Blade & Jamie Richards was more fun than most of the first round.

Dan O'Hare vs. SHLAK was alright, but I don't understand how anyone can see this pairing and go 'let's put O'Hare in round 2'. I don't want to throw around the term 'Marty Jannetty', but picture Storm of Entrails and you might have the exact same thought I had about this booking decision. Claxton vs. Lyon was a match that involved Jimmy Lyon. Nothing could make that watchable, not even pretty Mr. Claxton. The one saving grace here is that I won't have to endure Lyon in the next round. In the third match, John Wayne Murdoch once again lived up to my expectation: He can get a watchable match out of a crash test dummy. Inexplicably, CZW had a massive boner for Lloyd – who has no such supernatural abilities – though. Same issue with the last match. It was a masterclass in making an opponent look good, taught by Big F'N Joe.

Where does that leave me in the second round? Claxton vs. Lloyd, O'Hare vs. Valentine. That could have been Claxton vs. Murdoch (be still, my heart, this is only wishful thinking) and Shlak vs. Big F'N Joe (which has proven to be a good idea more than once since). But alas. No nice things.

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NON-TOURNAMENT MATCH

Tag Team Tornado Home Run Derby - Murder Kicks (Ken Broadway & Matt Travis) vs. The REP (Dave McCall & Nate Carter)

"The worst thing about Matt Travis is that he's so good, umm, you know what I mean?" No, Mystery Brian, I do not. The REP are CZW Tag Team Champions, but the title doesn't seem to be on the line. I don't mind a non-tournament match either way, but holy shit, commentary gets worse by the minute. How is that even possible? Nonsensical ramblings that trail off midway through a sentence, 'absolutely' galore, both cranked up to 11, that's how. The match isn't bad, but at times I do get the impression that nobody involved is super comfortable with the weapons. The REP win and possibly defend their titles. While they celebrate, commentary throws out another 7 'absolutelys'. Just kill me now.

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ROUND 2

Match 1 – Exploding Bat & Lighttubes – Jimmy Lloyd vs. Conor Claxton

Lloyd still wears the white shirt that I now consider property of John Wayne Murdoch which means we have a world premiere: a disqualification from the underlying Best Dressed tournament. You can't just show up in someone else's clothes/blood and expect to score. It's a competition. There are rules. (Let's just ignore that I'd give the victory to Claxton anyway even if Lloyd had exsanguinated himself in a white satin tuxedo just before the match.)

The weather is cooperative now, and although the match has a lot of weapon smashing and little else, I'm not complaining. In my distraction, I still notice one thing that stands out positively: the ever-popular two count parade is absent. The pinfall attempts make sense, two counts are reserved for big spots and come quickly, not after wandering around the ring for an hour. Lloyd introduces the idea of using wrestling moves with an assault driver after a while – which leads to an absurd finish. Claxton small cradles him and gets a three count. Just like that. I mean, that's certainly one of the booking decisions one can make to take out the previous year's TOD winner at the hands of this year's (future) winner, but I don't think it did either of them any favors.

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Match 2 – Texas Tumbleweed – Casanova Valentine vs. Dan O'Hare

Valentine comes out with a barbed wire crucifix and a black Cactus Jack shirt, black pants, black shoes. I have a feeling O'Hare will win the fashion duel. All he really needs is a hat and it's a clean win. He does not wear the hat. The slightly lighter color of his pants tips the scale though. Short of wearing a black SWAT uniform, there was little he could do to lose against all black.

The match involves a barbed wire tumbleweed, several Cactus Jack impersonations from Valentine, the ungodly, torturous stream of 'absolutely', barbed wire chairs, a barbed wire bat, and lighttubes. There's also a boxing glove, likely with thumbtacks or glass, but it goes ignored, so I can't tell what it is. Rave now says 'absolutely' before Mystery Brian even finishes his sentences. My god. Valentine and O'Hare go through a barbed wire contraption outside the ring that I hadn't even seen before. Shortly after, O'Hare wins with a reverse DDT onto the barbed wire tumbleweed. Rather forgettable match.

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NON-TOURNAMENT MATCH

Fans Bring The Weapons – Mance Warner vs. Matt Tremont

Warner comes out with a drill. Fuck power tools. I hope the fans brought something better than that. Usually, Warner is a difficult one to judge in regards to fashion, but today Matt Tremont is all in black except for a white bandana. That makes it really easy: similar sports wear ratio, but Warner is themed and has less black.

If Jimmy Rave mumbles 'absolutely' just one more time, my brain will start to bleed. (He promptly mumbles 'definitely' as I type this.)

Unsurprisingly, there's a lot of weapon smashing and a lot of outside brawling. I do question why this match was placed right before the main event. It's certainly the most entertaining so far, and 'Mance Warner vs. Matt Tremont' doesn't exactly read like something that should be a non-tournament match on a TOD card. There's no explanation given why neither of them is in the tournament. Are they feuding over something? Re-match from whenever?

The match gets lost in the crowd; the camera doesn't even try to follow. For a good while, it's just a shot of the crowd, then: slugfest, somewhere near a pavillion. The brawl now involves a parked car. It's already damaged, but I don't know if that is a result of the match. I think people who are not just watching this for the eye candy potential would also be quite annoyed with the camera work by now.

Thankfully, they return to the ring at some point. Then Tremont just has to use the stupid drill. No sound. No boom. Just nothing. Such an anti-weapon. But a better finish is heralded when Tremont staples Warner's tongue to a door and goes for a splash. Doesn't happen though. Warner tears his tongue off and puts Tremont through the door instead. After a short back and forth, Tremont hits his splash through lighttubes and wins.

STOP SAYING "ABSOLUTELY" OMG. I need to sign up for anger management sessions after this.

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FINAL

Lighttube Madness – Dan O'Hare vs. Conor Claxton

This one has long lighttubes, otherwise it doesn't look all that mad. Maybe there are contraptions hidden around the ring that I'm not seeing. I don't even trust the camera to point in the right direction during a match, so why would I expect it to show what the match involves before it begins?

Well, guess I have to decide who is better dressed here now before the show is over. It can only be a no-brainer because commentary successfully nuked any brain cells I had left. Both wear black shirts. Claxton has proper wrestling trunks and kickpads which beats O'Hare's long dark grey-ish pants. Also, Claxton is Claxton and can wear whatever. The overall winner, however, is Big F'N Joe. Good theme, all white, and properly soaked when all was said and done.

With that out of the way: This match is fine. No lengths, plenty of weapon use, but also a good amount of actual wrestling moves. O'Hare shines with great selling; he strikes a perfect balance between exhaustion and fighting spirit. Then the match moves away from the ring. Oh no. The camera follows at a distance to a scaffold above an exploding barbed wire trampoline. Claxton just sidewalk slams O'Hare down and the ring bell sounds. Was that a cover? Was there even a ref to count? It didn't look that way, but ok.

Claxton tries to give a victory speech, but the mic keeps dropping out. He manages to make clear that he didn't deserve, but earn the win though. I mean, yeah, just... Unfortunately, that's a good cue for my final thoughts about this TOD:

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FINAL THOUGHTS

This is not CZW on its deathbed yet, but it's CZW on crutches. So much about this tournament screams 'we're not giving that much of a shit anymore' already.

Claxton's victory reminds me of Insane Lane's Carnage Cup victory, many moons ago. The Carnage Cup about which Kevin Brannen says his financial means were more limited than he had hoped, which led to him cutting back on the card and filling up with local guys. Did Lane 'deserve' to win, based on what he showed in the ring? Yes, no doubt. In a pretty weak field, he easily stood out as the one who put in the most effort. But above all else, he 'earned' that victory by other means. Such as helping Brannen - perpetually struggling to find venues since the Shutdown Show – with exactly that, and volunteering for some of the more unhinged spots in the past. (Not least the infamous – and quite terrible and underwhelming – first razorwire match on US soil.)

TOD 18 is the culmination of a years-long attempt to push Claxton up the card, starting long before he was realistically ready for that. It's actually a very similar story to the previous year's winner, Jimmy Lloyd. Claxton debuted in the summer of 2014. The day he went to the TOD 14 finals against Matt Tremont might well have been the exact day his rookie year ended. It was clear early on that CZW wanted him to be the face of company at some point. Unfortunately for Claxton, it never really came to pass until TOD 18 when no big deal or foreign star took precedence. When CZW – much like IWA-DS years before – resorted to the loyal homegrown guys who had 'earned' it because there weren't any more appealing options. What Claxton got was a trophy, yes, but also a weaker and smaller field, a glaring lack of care on the production side, and ultimately a forgettable tournament with no real highlights.

If I had to pick a standout performance, it wouldn't go to either of the finalists. It would go to Big F'N Joe or John Wayne Murdoch. For Joe, this was his TOD debut and he put in the work to make an impression. Murdoch's baseline is generally very high, so it's rare to get a completely meh match from him. Based on individual performance alone, these two should have duked it out in the end. But Joe was a fairly unknown quantity, and Murdoch was always an IWA guy, and CZW clearly wanted to play it safe with two of their own guys in the final.

I struggle to pick a MOTN. Nothing was utterly atrocious, but nothing stood out as notably better either. I guess it's between Lloyd vs. Murdoch and the final, although both could have done better on the finish front. Ultimately, I'm afraid I don't recommend TOD 18. Thanks to the meh camera work and the unbearable commentary, not even the great Conor Claxton/Not Conor Claxton ratio could sway me in the end.

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