X-Brand Wrestling House Party III

Don't break out the confetti just yet

Life has recently been stressful and unkind, so I'm taking the easy way out to maintain my schedule and pick the shortest show that has somehow found its way on my list. I'm both baffled why I added this and what exactly this is. X-Brand Wrestling didn't exactly make me want more when I reviewed XBW Bloodlust. Now I'm looking at a show that displays the title 'House Party III' in the corner, but no such event is listed on Cagematch. There's a 'XBW House Party II' with a completely different card, and some other events with different names that don't match this card either. I guess I'll have to find out the hard way what I'm dealing with here.

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Match 1 – Biggie Sanchez vs. Cokane

Match 2 – Ty Awesome & Brian Murphy vs. The CWO

Match 3 – JB Anderson vs. Atticus Reighns vs. Sinister Minister vs. Hellaware Assassin

Match 4 – C.P.A. w/ Rich Michaels vs. Shook Crew

Match 5 – Alex Stretch vs. Angel Metro vs. JC Extreme

Match 6 – Good Cop, Bad Cop vs. C.U.M.

Match 7 – The Extricated vs. The Goons

Final Thoughts

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The intro looks like someone went wild with new video editing software and wanted to try out all the effects. Underneath random split screens and various visual distortions, I do see some familiar faces, most notably Matt Tremont who I didn't quite expect based on my previous XBW experiences.

There are on-screen graphics. Unsurprising. After all, that's another chance to dig in the editor's tool box. To set the scene, we're in some kind of backyard with tarps, but there appears to be a ring and there's a proper entrance curtain. Certainly a mudshow vibe, but unlike the previous XBW show, this one takes place in daylight and seems to have a more capable production crew. Not that it's hard to rise above 'filmed with a cellphone at night in a halfpipe', but this sure looks like more thought was put into the setup.

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Some pink-haired lady in a military outfit enters the ring to announce the first match:

Match 1 – Biggie Sanchez vs. Cokane

Whoa. The Fashion Police sure came to the right place today. Biggie Sanchez dressed up for the occasion with a full-blown over-the-top cowboy look. This man is a flurry of red and white tassels, black leather vest, cowboy hat, sunglasses, blue gloves,... Wait, is this a cosplaying Matt Tremont? He's shouting something. Not Tremont's voice. What else do we have? Two titles. Proper footwear with asymmetric kickpads which I love. Black shorts – ladies and gentlemen, we have sportswear! A black shirt with a Pride flag. That's not quite on theme for the aggressively Texan cowboy look, but overall, it's a pretty coherent outfit. I really didn't expect any fashion revelations here, but this is a frontrunner if I've ever seen one.

And there's commentary kicking in. It's hard to understand through the music playing, but again, it's a step up from the previous XBW show. For the moment, Biggie Sanchez has a microphone and welcomes the audience. Is this guy the announcer or will he wrestle? The graphic made it look like a match.

Cokane, the second person in deathmatch who thought this name was a clever idea, also put effort in his look. There's a clear black and white theme, some asymmetry, a face paint or mask, and a lot of white. Honestly, not the worst outfit. If this was a template for a gear maker, the result – translated to spandex or pleather – would be really good. Unlike the Coke Hane of the olden days, this one also shows more commitment to the name. He opens a bag and douses himself and the ring with white powder. If this was actual cocaine, he probably just blew thousands of dollars in the air.

Surprisingly difficult fashion opener. Sanchez has a slight exposure advantage with shorts and a sleeveless shirt vs. Cokane's long pants and one long sleeve. Cokane very clearly dominates in color choice, Sanchez has at least one proper piece of sportswear. It's a very close call, but I'll go with Cokane. This is a deathmatch, so his white outfit has a greater chance to improve, plus I respect the dedication to the theme, however poorly chosen for an alleged athlete.

This match is for the XBW Going Viral Championship, held by Sanchez, who is also the Borderlands Championship (but this title does not appear to be on the line). Commentary still exists, but is mostly unintelligible. Other than Cokane's supply of white powder, I don't see anything that would qualify as a weapon. There's a bell though, so the match is on. Maybe this is not a deathmatch, after all.

Cokane sends Sanchez, the more animated of the two, out of the ring with a big boot. Sanchez proceeds to wander around for quite a while, then returns to the ring and punches Cokane who barely reacts and just sends him to the outside again. He follows with the world's least motivated double axe handle, then returns to the ring. Now Sanchez gets a reaction from kicks and I'm beginning to realize that the big boy is more agile one out of these two. Just as I type it, Cokane slowly ascends the top rope and shows a splash. Not quite high flying action, but at least it was slightly more in line with my expectations for a masked lightweight. Then Sanchez floors him with an STO and gets a three count. Well. I suppose it was a match, but the outfits were a lot more entertaining than the in-ring action.

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Match 2 – Ty Awesome & Brian Murphy vs. The CWO

Ty Awesome, winner of the 'Best Ring Name Award 2024', wears all blue spandex for a 100 % wrestling attire ratio I sure didn't expect when I started watching this show. While the wrestling was rather dubious so far, I definitely underestimated the fashion game of this roster. Ty Awesome is doing flips left and right before any opponents arrive, so maybe the wrestling will catch up now.

Brian Murphy wears a white shirt, pink trunks, proper footwear, and sprays whipped cream on his face as soon as he bursts through the curtain. Color my expectations tempered already. Murphy removes his shirt and thereby brings the combined wrestling attire ratio to 100 %. Who knows, maybe he just has a really, really weird gimmick.

As it turns out, Awesome and Murphy are tag team partners. Their opponents are The CWO which, as the black shirts they wear tell me, stands for Creamy World Order. Will people ever stop creating increasingly silly NWO knock off stables? One can only hope. At least one of these guys wears tights, the other wears cargo or sweat pants, both have proper boots.

I'm going with the first team for the fashion victory. Better colors, better wrestling gear ratio, although I remain skeptical about the involvement of whipped cream.

Did that announcer lady just say 'Marc Angel'? Oh my god. I think she did. I think one of the CWO guys is OPW's long lost golden child. He sure makes a better impression here – wearing actual wrestling attire for the first time in his life, having an actual gimmick (even if it's centered around cream), and – believe it or not – makes an effort to entertain instead of sucking the combined charisma of the roster into a void.

After a drawn out opening between Angel and Murphy, Awesome gets tagged in to face off against the other CWO member and his shake dumbbell. Just to be clear, there hasn't been any wrestling yet. Just a lot of grimacing and playing around. Awesome and Dumbbell Dude lock up and there's a shoulder block. Then Dumbbell Dude flexes and gyrates his hips. Ok then. Awesome does flippy things and gets a first two count, then tags Murphy back in. A diving elbow. Nice. So both members of this team know some wrestling moves. For being seemingly randomly teamed up, they work together pretty well. Now Marc Angel returns to the ring and whoa, he took off the shirt and now wears a singlet. Is this really OPW's Marc Angel or just someone who happens to have the same name?

Murphy gets a beating from Dumbell Dude who also strips in the process. In a matter of seconds, he goes from wearing two tearaway pants and a black shirt to black pleather trunks. Murphy gets choked with each removed item, then Angel gets tagged in.

I'm both puzzled and grateful that cream has not played any kind of role yet. Since wrestling only ranks marginally higher on the list of priorities between a lot playing around, I take a closer look at the newly revealed trunks because I spotted a name. According to his trunks, Dumbell Guy is called Danny Heaven. There really is a coherent theme to this team.

A sudden flash of wrestling results in more gimmicky playing around, pinching nipples, then Ty Awesome saves the day/wrestling presence with some pretty cool step-up kicks, and there was also a nice neckbreaker from Angel.

Then whipped cream comes into play, but it's nowhere near as dumb as I feared. After getting a mouthful of spray cream, Danny Heaven uses it to blind Murphy and score a three count. Hardly a masterpiece, but still a match full of surprises. This could have been worse.

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Match 3 – JB Anderson vs. Atticus Reighns vs. Sinister Minister vs. Hellaware Assassin

These names imply that I'm finally getting a deathmatch. The on-screen graphic shows all names with a 'vs' in the middle. This might be a tag team match or a four way. Only time will tell.

Anderson, who brings a chair to confirm the hardcore nature of this match, represents the H2O chic with black jeans shorts and a long black jersey. Jerseys are incredibly popular in H2O for some reason. The colors are not great, the exposure – surprisingly – isn't too bad despite the long sleeves because these are shorts that deserve that name, not 'shorts' in the sense that they don't quite reach the ankle. I really need better terminology for that. Anderson ditches the jersey as soon as he enters the ring, so unless somebody shows up in trunks (unlikely, seeing who he's up against), he's got this in the bag with good exposure.

Yeah, Atticus Reighns is no competition. This man joins us on this sunny day straight from his backyard BBQ with the kids. Long blue jeans, black shirt, and thankfully he brought the barbed wire bat with him, lest it fall into the hands of the kids at the yard party.

Sinister Minister, who I last endured in POR's Hardcore Grand Prix, pulled a black sleeveless button-up and primarily black pants out of a dumpster, along with street shoes, but at least put some effort into his face paint. He is armed with a flat white object that might be a kitchen cutting board.

The ring has a gusset bat, some light tubes, and a barbed wire wrapped chair by now.

Will Hellaware Assassin challenge Anderson's pole position in what seems to shape up to a four way? I haven't seen this guy since CZW's early days, at least not that I remember, and after Marc Angel's miracle transformation, anything seems possible today. No challenge, but out of the 3 opponents, probably the best effort. We have desert camo shorts and a light-gray jersey, a white towel over his head, sunglasses. Color-wise, it's decent, but there's no theme at all, and it's almost as covered up as the others.

Very easy victory for JB Anderson.

Before the match begins, Hellaware gets something from a distant table. At first I thought it's a microphone, but it looked more like a drill. There's no commentary anymore, at least nothing intelligible, so it's hard to tell what's going on. The announcer lady introduces the contestants which further proves that there's already a functional mic in the ring.

The bell rings. Reighns immediately charges Sinister Minister, and Anderson reluctantly pairs up with Hellaware in another corner. The first tubes get smashed on Anderson only seconds into the match. Minister and Reighns leave the ring. Both pairings opt for gusset bats and more light tubes. Fans chant 'over here!' when Hellware appears to take Anderson in a Sleeperhold, but maybe he's carving him with something. The camera is behind him, I don't know. Sinister returns to the ring, everyone else leaves. I see a double axe handle from Anderson that might qualify as the lone wrestling move in this mess.

Honestly, this match is very awkward. Lots of brawling that lacks intensity and direction, weapon smashing, kicks, carving. A cheese grater gets involved. There's blood, but it's very much blood for the sake of bleeding, not a consequence of specific moves. There are no big moments, bumps, or even wrestling. Hellaware and Reighns especially don't even look like they are trying. Anderson brings some sense of energy, and at some point, Sinister Minister even climbs the top rope. It doesn't result in anything beyond carving though, and the camera frequently cuts to the outside where the elderly gentlemen listlessly struggle over a plastic bat.

According to the mumbled commentary, Hellaware executed a DDT against Sinister while the camera was elsewhere. Credible claim; last I saw was this pair in a suplex-like position. Hellaware hits Sinister with his kitchen board which turns out to have poppers, then he gets a three count while Anderson and Reighns are somewhere out of frame.

What can I say? It was a match of sorts. It took place in/near a ring. There were 4 people and about 1.5 wrestling moves in it, based on my eye witness account and hearsay. It would be nice to get those 16 minutes of my life back to do something more productive, but then... Look at what I'm doing with my time. I watch stuff like this and review it. I guess that makes the loss of these 16 minutes not all that tragic.

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Match 4 – C.P.A. w/ Rich Michaels vs. Shook Crew

CPA appears to be a stable or team with 3 members, none of which has even been near a vendor that sells wrestling or sports gear. We have pullovers, button-downs, jeans, sneakers, boat shoes, a tie, but not the slightest shred of hope that these guys will ever look like wrestlers. There's Tie Guy (distinguishing feature: tie), Sunglasses (pullover and sunglasses), and Camo Pants (who I suspect to be Rich Michaels, a manager or leader).

Sunglasses has a mic. Camo Pants wields some kind of weapon, possibly a sickle or just a blade on a stick. Sunglasses may have introduced himself as Rich Michaels, but I can't understand anything else due to chants and the overall sound quality. No commentary to fill me in either. Now Camo Pants has the mic. He's a better, more engaging speaker, but the end result is the same.

After several minutes of unintelligible rambling, opponents appear. I'm not sure if there are two or three. A woman accompanied these two guys, but is nowhere to be seen now. Guy 1 wears gray jeans shorts (the kind that's closer to capris than Anderson's shorts), a black hoodie, red beanie under the hood, sneakers, a plush goat on his shoulders, and he wields a big tree branch. His team mate surprisingly looks like a wrestler. Black tank top, gray pants, proper boots. Very understated and acceptable, considering XBW's fashion baseline.

The woman is back and enters the ring with them. This leads me to believe I'm looking at two tag teams with their managers or valets. Now the woman has the microphone. Whatever.

What is interesting to me is that I briefly spotted a guy filming at ringside between matches. While nothing of note happens in the ring, I switch to Youtube to confirm that it was Chout86 I saw. That's who I contacted about fan cam footage , and he said I can use his videos for my reviews. As it turns out, he has several matches from this show, so while still nothing much happens, I add those to my review.

There's a ring bell. Black Hoodie and Camo Pants – apparently not a manager – kick things off with a proper lock-up. Then it's already black to talking and posing and riling up the crowd. Second attempt. A test of strength and now it looks like the match officially started. There are tags, there are wrestling moves, and considering what I've seen so far, a shocking level of competence across the board. Moves look fluid, there's intensity and force behind punches, and a good overall flow to the match. Fashion is a lost cause here (other than Tank Top who is fine), but there's a real possibility that some, if not all of these guys have seen a wrestling school from the inside at some point.

The match ends with Tie Guy scoring a pin on Black Hoodie.

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Match 5 – PWA Deathmatch Championship Match – Alex Stretch (C) vs. Angel Metro vs. JC Extreme

The first entrant to what is likely a threeway is JC Extreme aka Temu Jim Duggan aka my favorite POR wrestler. I'm not even kidding. This guy is good and probably one of the most competent wrestlers on this card. He just desperately needs a haircut. Today, he wears a red t-shirt to black tights and proper boots. Far from the worst around here, but not especially great either.

Next up is Angel Metro who wears quite a few things. Black shirt, black sleeves, the status from the belt downwards is 'it's complicated'. Long blue jeans with zebra or winter camo patches, studs or rhinestones, a black flannel around the waist. And sneakers without kickpads. That's a no-go, and if my memory can be trusted, Alex Stretch won't challenge Extreme's pole position in this match either.

Nope, he does not. The reigning PWA Deathmatch champion represents the H2O chic. Blue long sleeve jersey – really, what is it with H2O and jerseys? - black sleeves and gloves, winter camo capris (that's what I'm going to call shorts that go beyond the knee from now on), and what initially looked like boots from the distance turns out to be street shoes disguised with black socks or tights. The jersey disappears and reveals a black shirt. That's slightly better, but still far from 'good'. Win for JC Extreme it is.

There are light tubes, loose and in bundles, one wrapped in barbed wire. Extreme brought a chair, Metro a barbed wire bat, and Stretch some kind of tool, possibly an electric roast slicer.

The match begins, kind of. Stretch sets up chairs and invites his opponents to a slugfest. That's exactly what happens. It's slow, but also entertaining despite discussions and chair swaps. It ends with Stretch drop kicking both opponents off the chairs. I think his tool is a chainsaw. It is. A barbed wire chainsaw that isn't plugged in. Frankly, not the most fearsome power tool I've ever seen, but it's certainly better than one that won't start.

Extreme and Metro team up to send Stretch through a first bundle of tubes, then Metro arms herself with a plastic bag and Extreme throws a large plastic bin into the ring. After a brief negotiation, Metro's weapon wins. She pours out the bag's contents – thumbtacks – and charges at Stretch. A sequence of stunners doesn't strike me as the right way to use thumbtacks, but it sends Stretch out of the ring anyway. Extreme and Metro end their flimsy alliance and go at each other, and Extreme gets a first two count, then sets up a chair. There's some actual wrestling now, more from Extreme than Metro, but she tries. Her bat comes into play and Extreme ends up with a good amount of thumbtacks in his back. Then Stretch returns and sends both out of the ring and botches a dive.

The action continues on the outside where Stretch puts a tube bundle on the ring stairs and throws himself onto it with a chair-assisted senton. Extreme keeps the Sabu tributes going with a chair-enhanced basement dropkick. Metro is still down and out elsewhere when Extreme rolls Stretch back into the ring. Now he goes for the big tube bundle with barbed wire. It also has a bunch of metal pipes by the looks. Yeah, these are open on the ends, not spray painted light tubes.

Extreme puts Stretch on the top rope, but Metro returns to interfere. It's short-lived though and Extreme proceeds with his plan. Stretch fights him off, tries to put him through the bundle with... I'm not sure, maybe it was supposed to be a cutter or neckbreaker. It was neither and it didn't work, but Extreme goes through the bundle anyway with a Brainbuster, then Stretch gets a three count. Tragic, but not all that surprising of an outcome.

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Match 6 – Good Cop, Bad Cop vs. C.U.M.

The Mountie was my childhood hero, so every weasley law enforcement-adjacent gimmick gets some base respect from me. Jimmy Controversy plays that role really well. That's half the rent here. What do we have? Controversy wears all black. Other than the clear theme, that's not great, but we do have proper tights, appropriate footwear, and a bullet-proof vest that will likely disappear before the bell. Roman 5:0 – look, I finally remembered his number! - is slightly ahead on the color front with blue boots and shirt, police vest and hat. These two actually look like a team, not like random guys thrown together. I like that. Overall, this is middle of the road, leaning positive. Clear theme, decent wrestling attire ratio, just not great with colors.

C.U.M. aka Lowlife Louie and his son Louie Jr. also don't make the mistake of wearing mismatched outfits. Black shirts, winter camo capris, and that looks suspiciously like street shoes on both. It could be worse overall, but Controversy did indeed remove his police vest and thereby tipped the scale in his team's favor with better exposure.

One ring side has light tube fencing, and there are tube bundles as well. There are also some special rules, but I didn't catch what exactly. Something about 'the person getting pinned' and a title. Maybe this is total elimination and the survivor gets a title shot of some kind?

Controversy and 5:0 (is that his last name?) rush the Louies before the announcement is over. There's immediate tube smashing and it soon moves out of the ring. I didn't even have time to speculate about tornado rules or point out that Louie Sr. looks slimmer and fresher than usual. What a difference daylight can make to dimly lit venues!

The smashfest continues. Louie Sr. and Controversy return to the ring and now there's a hint of wrestling and a first two count on Louie. Roman 5:0 and Junior return as well. The cops are still firmly in charge. For the most part, that translates to tube smashing though. The brief lariat and shoulder block from Controversy remains the one hint of wrestling. Aha, there's something I can count as wrestling. C.U.M. turn the tide with synchronized corner splashes. The camera is erratic now, but I don't think I'm missing much because it's back to tube smashing.

Junior has a new weapon. No, both Louies do. Scalpels or something. Double forehead carving. Oh well, I guess it was to be expected. The cops counter with kicks and lariats, and again, it's a brief moment of reprieve between tube smashing. After sending Junior out of the ring, the cops double team Senior with a suplex and a cutter, but it only results in a two count. Louie hulks up, Junior returns, and the cops get floored with big boots. Roman goes down after a double lariat, Controversy gets Samoan Dropped, then Leg Dropped by Louie Sr. and that yields a three count.

Far from a masterpiece, but it was fairly coordinated and looked like a real tag team match instead of random brawling that happened to involve four people. I just wish all the team sequences hadn't been interspersed with so much random tube smashing.

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I can't see much of Hardcore's entrance because the camera points to the ground. I gather he wears his usual punk vest and a black shirt, black jeans shorts, black sneakers – and an arm cast. I'm not sure if this is a match. There wasn't a graphic for one, so maybe he's just here to make an announcement. He sure has a microphone and screams into it. He demands a match, against 'this motherfucker'. I think it refers to whoever broke his arm. Some lady now has the microphone and there seems to be a disagreement. It culminates in Hardcore smashing a tube bundle on the ref's head. Several people interfere to remove Hardcore from the scene and escort the ref backstage.

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Match 7 – The Extricated vs. The Goons

The Extricated are Bam Sullivan in a gray hoodie and H2O's Mouse. Upon closer inspection, Sullivan wears black shorts and proper footwear and likely a black shirt under the hoodie. Mouse, despite immediately failing the footwear test, scores higher in my ranking with themed attire: hat, facepaint, tailcoat, black tank top, asymmetric black-purple capris, mismatched (but color-coordinated) striped socks spell 'vintage circus' or something along those lines. Fairly covered, but overall not a bad look.

Sullivan gets a microphone and all I gather is that he hypes up the crowd rather than making a specific challenge. Looking at the time, that's going to be a short main event. 1 hour 49 minutes and Bam is still talking. The total run time is 2 hours and 1 minute.

Aha. Opponents arrive. I think. Both ladies opted for streetwear. A white t-shirt, a black tank top, long black jeans, sneakers. Hopeless. That's a clear victory for The Extricated.

The ring has light tubes – what a surprise – and some scattered weapons; chairs, bats, a box that likely also contains tubes.

The match begins and doesn't exactly make me more hopeful. Immediate tube smashing, waiting to get hit, no trace of an actual fight or structure. Seconds later, the action is outside the ring. 'Action' in the sense that Sullivan and Mouse are running to the merch or commentary area near the entrance, then Mouse gets chased back to the ring and against a ring post. His opponent finds a staple gun and briefly uses it, then a chair gets involved in the duel. The other pair joins, then there's a swap and Mouse is back in the ring with Miss White Shirt. She attacks with... a cardboard pumpkin mask and a senton. That was a wrestling move! Her cover is broken up by Sullivan though. Miss Black Shirt takes over with a chair shot and remains in control over Sullivan. White Shirt joins, they attempt a double suplex, but get interrupted by the world's weakest kendo stick attack from Mouse. He proceeds to choke White Shirt while Black Shirt is already on the outside again. Sullivan throws a light tube at her, but it doesn't shatter.

Quite frankly, this is terrible. Minutes ago, I was worried the main event would be too short. Now the match already feels like an eternity.

Mouse gets a gusset in his head from White Shirt. Sullivan suplexes her, then she gets gusset revenge. Black Shirt tries to re-join the relative action, but is unceremoniously kicked away. White Shirt launches a lariat offense against Sullivan and gets a two count. Black Shirt returns and joins with... I suppose it's elbow strikes against Sullivan. Then Mouse jumps her back and chokes her. A leg drop happens; Mouse on Black Shirt. White Shirt is gone, Sullivan stands around. Gusset to Black Shirt's head. This isn't a match. It's a series of disconnected attacks and moves that happen to take place within the same 12 minutes window. 3 minutes to go. I made it this far. Can as well stick around to the bitter end.

Sullivan gets clotheslined and double suplexed by The Goons for a two count. Mouse gets whipped into a corner, but counters, kind of, and Sullivan gets a one count on Black Shirt. White Shirt distributes chops, then gets a light tube over the back. The muffled commentary informs me there was a jawbreaker. Awkward tube smashing. Mouse hangs on the ropes. Sullivan gets pinned by White Shirt. Hallelujah, it is over.

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Final Thoughts

Despite a handful of recognizable names on the card, this is pure backyard and not the fun kind. A theme of unstructured smashing runs through the card. A lot of this is borderline unwatchable. This isn't the good kind of bad where you laugh in disbelief and stay tuned to see just how much worse it can get. It's just bad and I think it speaks volumes that I rate the non-deathmatches as better than the deathmatches I came for.

If I had to pick a MOTN (and I don't, this is my review and I can do whatever I want), I'd say C.P.A. w/ Rich Michaels vs. Shook Crew looked most competent and most resembled a wrestling match. I can't name an MVP. Nobody did double duty or stood out as a significant contributor to overall show quality. Best Dressed was Ty Awesome for being overall most wrestler-y, runners-up Cokane and Biggie Sanchez.

My final verdict: There's another XBW show on my to-review list and I'm removing it, sight unseen, right now.

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