CZW Tournament of Death 16 (2017)

Good Jimmy, Bad Jimmy, Good Havoc, Bad Havoc

It's June 2017 and I'm reporting from Townsend, Delaware where CZW is holding the annual Tournament of Death. With a total run-time of 3 hours 41 minutes, it's one of the longer tournaments, but that's not why I put it on the back burner until now. It's the unfortunate fact that I'll have to endure Jimmy Havoc. It's not even about the allegations. Is he a rapist and/or abuser? I don't know. Is he a sloppy, overhyped mess with a cringy gimmick? Yes. World-class cringe, to be precise. Along with a line-up that does have a few highlights, but also plenty of bycatch, Havoc's general involvement and the long run-time aren't exactly exciting.

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ROUND 1

Match 1 – Light Tubes & Cinder Blocks – G-Raver vs. Jeff Cannonball

Match 2 – Barbed Wire Craziness – Conor Claxton vs. Clint Margera

Match 3 – Doorway to Death – SHLAK vs. Masada

Match 4 – Pains in the Glass – John Wayne Murdoch vs. Rickey Shane Page vs. Jimmy Havoc

Non-Tournament Match

Recap

ROUND 2

Non-Tournament Matches

FINAL

Final Thoughts

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There's no speech from DJ Hyde this year. That's refreshing. Instead, we jump straight to the first match, and with it another reason for my so-so excitement.

ROUND 1

Match 1 – Light Tubes & Cinder Blocks – G-Raver vs. Jeff Cannonball

That reason being resident drug fiend and botch machine G-Raver, as usual all in black and so covered up that he might as well join a convent.

Jeff Cannonball also wears all black, but his exposure is slightly better than Raver's. Ultimately, this is a very narrow victory for him with at least some bare skin on his legs and arms.

The ring has a cinder block arrangement with light tubes, a few loose tubes, and several bundles. Both immediately arm themselves with a cinder block and break them by smashing them together. An exchange of punches follows, then Cannonball goes to the outside after a dropkick from Raver. He follows with a dive and thereby goes head first against a cinder block light tube combo. The brawl continues on the outside and the theme appears to be cinder block smashing.

After a while, Cannonball maneuvers Raver back into the ring where he is met with knee and elbow strikes, but ultimately suplexes Raver through the big cinder block pile. There's a lot of brawling, and for the most part, Cannonball is in charge. Raver does offer some offense, hits his double knees from the top rope, and cinder blocks remain the preferred weapon. Really, a lot of this is just smashing cinder blocks on each other.

After a first two count from Raver, chairs find their way into the ring. That doesn't mean that the cinder block smashing is over. They just have a new way to set them up. An Iconoclasm from Cannonball that puts Raver onto a chair with two cinder blocks provides a Holy Shit scene. Unfortunately, Raver no-sells and dives outside into Cannonball mere seconds later. An apron dropkick fails to break the tubes on Cannonball, then the action moves back into the ring.

More excitement! Raver sticks his tattoo needles into Cannonball's forehead. Raver has a second bundle and after a short struggle, they end up in Cannonball's shoulder. When Raver tries to corner splash him, Cannonball counters into a turnbuckle-aimed suplex. That looked good and fluid, but I'm beginning to think that this match is far too long.

Cannonball ends up on the top rope and Raver tries to balance a cinder block and light tube contraption on him. Then completely botches his back senton, awkwardly bounces off the ropes, and falls out of the ring. Realizing his opponent just made a major fool out of himself, Cannonball leaves the ropes and arranges a larger contraption in the ring's center, piledrives Raver onto it, and gets a three count. That's good news! No more G-Raver for the remaining 3 hours and 20 minutes!

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Highlight reel: G-Raver's Most Scenic Botches of 2017, duration 2.5 hours

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Match 2 – Barbed Wire Craziness – Conor Claxton vs. Clint Margera

Conor Claxton is the opposite of G-Raver. His mere presence always lifts my mood. He too wears all black, but instantly becomes the frontrunner by having trunks for good exposure and a decent wrestling attire ratio. Proper footwear, too, and the red kickpads even add a splash of color in this otherwise quite dreary fashion tournament.

Clint Margera disappoints with a black shirt to gray shorts. No sports/wrestling attire, ok-ish exposure, proper boots. I suppose I should at least give some points for not wearing black shorts.

There are two yellow boards, presumably with barbed wire, some chairs, a bat, and some kind of board that may have light tubes. Not sure because something in front of the camera blurs it.

Seconds into the chain wrestling opening, I learn that the mystery board has barbed wire strings thanks to a different camera angle. Considering the stipulation, I should have seen that coming. For the moment, weapons are not involved until the action moves to the outside. Margera makes use of the barbed wire bat, and I also spot another, larger board which Margera shoves into the ring. Only to pull it out again and arrange it between apron and guard rail. Claxton ends up on it, but evades when Margera dives.

Claxton puts the remains of the board onto Margera, then hits a picture-perfect double stomp onto him from the top rope. Unsurprising, because everything Claxton does is picture-perfect, including activities like 'drinking beer' and 'standing around'.

Which reminds me… Comic Sans.

Whoa. What is this? A barbed wire trampoline next to a truck. I don't think it's a U-Haul though, and they move away from it before I get a better look to confirm. In fact, they move back to the ring where Margera still has the upper hand. A springboard leg drop onto Claxton under a barbed wire board results in a first two count for Margera. He follows up with running lariats in the corner, until Claxton counters and hits Margera with a kick to the face. Shortly after, Margera reverses a powerbomb attempt into a roll-up for another cover, and again, Claxton kicks out. After a curb stomp onto the board, Margera tries again and again, it's only good for two.

Margera tries a half-hearted submission with some barbed wire, but quickly lets go and instead kicks off an exchange of elbow and forearm strikes. A counter duel ends with Claxton getting bombed onto the barbed wire board stack for another two count.

Back on the outside, they return to the barbed wire trampoline and Margera rolls Claxton onto it before climbing the truck. Before he reaches the top, Claxton gets up and follows, and a kneeling slugfest results in a suplex attempt from Claxton, and him getting back flipped onto the trampoline. Margera jumps after him, then both have to get freed by staff.

They return to the ring where Claxton kicks out at two once again. Margera adds more chairs to the ring, then promptly destroys one on Claxton's back, but somehow manages to build a wobbly pillow fort with the barbed wire board. Claxton slips out of a Death Valley Driver twice, reverses, gets snap suplexed, then ends up under the comically low, wobbly board for a moment. Before Margera reaches the top rope, Claxton slips out, follows to the corner, and gets a three count after a beautiful piledriver through the shaky contraption.

Good match, and good for my mood going forward. If I have my eye candy, maybe the Jimmy Havoc cringe won't hit me too hard.

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Match 3 – Doorway to Death – SHLAK vs. Masada

This is a fashion duel I can judge without looking. I don't think either of them has ever changed his outfit, except for slightly rattier/newer versions of the same. That means this is a clean, easy win for SHLAK with better exposure being the deciding factor.

The weaponry consists of doors with light tubes, and the match begins with a lock-up that immediately turns into an exchange of punches. Lariats from both follow, then Masada retreats to the outside where I catch a brief glimpse of another, multi-story door contraption. Barbed wire and light tubes, I believe.

For now, Masada herds SHLAK away from it with light tubes and punches, until SHLAK fights back in the same way. A chair gets involved, but generally, not much beyond punching and brawling happens.

Masada finally takes SHLAK back to the ring and is met with a chair to the head. SHLAK proceeds to choke him on the ropes, then a back and forth results in a suplex against Masada and him going through one of the doors with gussets. Some light tube carving follows, SHLAK then places the remains of the door on the mat and continues the carving with a gusset. Masada wakes up and tries to go for a submission, but decides that the gusset door is more interesting and attacks with that. SHLAK agrees and pays him back with the other half of the door, and again, Masada retreats to the outside. It's been a hot minute since I've seen him with a proper crimson mask, but he's on the way there.

SHLAK goes through the tubes on the other door, then Masada can't resist anymore and sticks his skewers into SHLAK's head. This goes on for quite a while until SHLAK has enough and slams the light tube door onto Masada, then dives onto him with an elbow drop from the ropes.

Now they are on the apron, above the outside contraption, and Masada ends up just shoving SHLAK through it.

Back in the ring, Masada follows up with kicks, gets cut off with a low blow, and SHLAK leaves the ring to gather plunder. He then very slowly assembles a construction of two chairs and a door, gently places Masada onto it, then leaves the ring again to get lighter fluid and douse his elbow pad. Masada sells and sells and sells – also something you don't see from him every day – while SHLAK slowly climbs the top rope, lights the elbow pad... and misses when Masada rolls out of the way.

SHLAK stays on fire and frantically tears off the elbow pad while Masada comes back to life. He slams and suplexes SHLAK onto the remains of a door, only for SHLAK to kick out after a Death Valley Driver. Masada pulls out another bundle of skewers and gets a submission by threatening SHLAK with them.

This was a pretty bad match with way too much down time, especially the long hike before the flaming elbow. Masada gets a microphone and puts SHLAK over anyway, but the reality is that Masada's fast-paced finishing sequence was the real saving grace of this mess and at least ended it on a high note.

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Match 4 – Pains in the Glass – John Wayne Murdoch vs. Rickey Shane Page vs. Jimmy Havoc

My ginger prince makes one of his stronger showings, meaning the outfit itself isn't great, but has potential to score on technicalities. Black jeans shorts, unbuttoned shirt that I, as an expert on color names, would place somewhere around 'eggplant, maybe brownish burgundy', proper boots. For some reason, Murdoch uses the old Rejects theme.

Also for unspecified reasons, entrances are shown from behind the curtain. Not behind the wrestler, no. In the actual backstage area. This is where we see Rickey Shane Page anxiously pace around in black shirt and black shorts to proper footwear. That's indeed a victory for Murdoch with better exposure.

The ring has several panes of glass, loose tubes, and a bat that may have toothpicks or thumbtac...

What is that? Why is there another entrance? Oh god, why does it have to be 'I'm 14 and this is edgy' Jimmy Havoc? This is all the things I dislike at once. A random threeway after three singles matches in the first round, and an overhyped sloppy emo kid pushing 30. He wears all white and a mask, so I fear I must give him the fashion victory. Deathmatch fashion is serious business. I'm not going to sully the industry's good reputation with biased verdicts. However, I will note that the victory is a relatively close call and entirely carried by the color. Out of these three, Havoc is the most covered up with long pants, sleeves, and gloves which neither Page nor Murdoch wears.

The bell hasn't even opened the match when commentary already loses their shit over the 'international deathmatch superstar' Havoc. It's one of the rare moments when I wish Masada would show up and defend his nickname. Also, why did Clint Margera not get such a slavering introduction? Is he somehow from a less international Britain?

Now we're getting started. Murdoch and Page agree with me and shove Havoc away to focus on each other. Being the sad emo boy he is, Havoc accepts that and leaves the ring. That's great news because the camera stays with Murdoch and Page who now exchange punches and elbow strikes. Unfortunately, Havoc returns and randomly dives onto both after they sent each other out of the ring. He involves chairs, RSP introduces the first light tube. Commentary muses about this being 'the British way'. I have yet to see anything from Havoc that I haven't seen from dozens of non-Brits.

After a bunch of broken tubes, the action moves back into the ring where Havoc almost botches a headscissor against RSP. He proceeds to dropkick first Murdoch, then RSP through glass panes. Murdoch spears him through the third shortly after. In regards to battle damage, RSP has a bit of a head start, but Murdoch isn't far behind. The only blood on Havoc's all white outfit, on the other hand, can easily be traced back to RSP's face. There's a precedent for a disqualification due to only getting somebody else's blood on a white outfit - Lloyd v. Murdoch, 100 N.J. 500 (2019) – so maybe this fashion verdict isn't set in stone yet.

This is how the RSP face stamp came to exist.

RSP and Murdoch fight over a pane of glass. I think. RSP holds it, Murdoch throws himself against it. It gets some good blood prints, but doesn't break – until Murdoch sends Havoc through it. While Murdoch is down, Havoc engages Page with weak punches and failed attempts to get some more juice on his shirt. It's almost comical that RSP lowers his singlet... Wait, why does he wear a singlet? Did he remove the shirt while the camera was elsewhere? Anyway, the overall impression here is that two people aren't afraid of the glass, and neither of them is called Jimmy Havoc.

Actual ‘interntional deathmatch superstars’.

Page gets dragged through the broken glass. Havoc tries to sneak in a quick pinfall, Murdoch breaks it up. Oh god. This is killing me for all the wrong reasons. Havoc hits a destroyer on RSP – the most blatant attempt to get RSP's blood on his shirt – then gets a 'Tennessee-style destroyer' from Murdoch. Who are these clowns on commentary? Deep South Destroyer is hardly a difficult name to remember. Anyway, Murdoch gets a first two count on Page while Havoc is cowering outside the ring. Murdoch dives onto him with a senton. By now, I'm fairly confident that I could draw a map on Havoc and label which blood stain came from which opponent because Havoc himself still isn't bleeding.

This is where the big blood blotch that covers the ‘D’ on Havoc’s shirt comes from.

RSP and Murdoch set up chairs in the ring. The latter also brings gussets to the emerging slugfest, but the former is the one who uses one first. Havoc interrupts the party. I'm so annoyed, by him in general and by the fact that he still isn't even bleeding. He maneuvers a barbed wire glass pane around, the camera zooms on RSP's gushing arm, and I make a decision. Havoc is disqualified for trying to pass off the blood of his opponents as his own. Enough is enough. The new verdict is a tie between Page and Murdoch with now-equal exposure and battle damage.

Havoc leg trips Murdoch, but isn't anywhere near close enough to the pane of glass – by now propped up on chairs – to break it. Murdoch has to crawl underneath it and for some reason, Havoc fumbles around between his legs on the way. Not a good look if you're already stacked with allegations of rape, abuse, and harrassment.

RSP intercepts Havoc on the top rope, Havoc slips out of the Death Valley Driver position – thankfully without molesting RSP – and returns to the top rope.

The double stomp onto Page's back still doesn't break the glass pane. Havoc follows up with a senton and a back suplex, and the glass finally breaks. After that, Havoc gets a two count on Murdoch, then shows a terrible suplex and gets a Chokebreaker from Page. Murdoch gets one, too; Page gets a proper suplex from Murdoch, Havoc does... something? Murdoch interrupts whatever that was with a cutter from the rope. He signals a Deep South Destroyer, sets up a new glass pane with gussets on chairs, but RSP catches him on the top rope.

After a struggle, Murdoch hits the Deep South Destroyer through the pane anyway, then Temu Gerard Way steals the pin and gets a three count over RSP. And the 'international deathmatch superstar' still isn't bleeding. Even Masada isn't this prissy.

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NON-TOURNAMENT MATCH

Match 5 – Four Corners of Pain – Kit Osbourne vs. Dan O'Hare vs. Jimmy Lloyd vs. George Gatton

Kit Osbourne, a man with the charisma of wet bread, makes a good fashion impression. Shirtless, white pants with black splatter pattern, black belt, proper footwear that matches the black/white theme. Strong showing, great potential for the win. Looking at the current ranking, it's a head to head between him and Conor Claxton.

Dan O'Hare wears a black shirt over a dark-red singlet and proper boots. Pretty middle of the road in general, but above average given today's competition.

A Sloppy Boy Jimmy Lloyd reaches a personal highscore with a black-silver singlet and proper footwear. Naturally, the colors could be better, but the exposure is good and it's 100 % wrestling attire. It doesn't beat Osbourne, but it does beat Claxton due to the greater amount of wrestling gear. Apparently, his moniker is 'Barely Legal'. The change to 'a different boy' was probably one of the best choices he made in his entire career.

George Gatton, nowadays known as Trashman, wears a white shirt to black shorts. He's armed with a thumbtack bat and a rubber chicken. That would all be fine and dandy (albeit low on sportswear), but I don't think I can accept the footwear.

This leaves Osbourne in the pole position, followed by Lloyd in #2 and Claxton in #3.

This match involves a door, light tube bundles, a glass pane with something on it. At first glance, it's one corner short of the name's promise, but if I count Gatton's bat, there are enough weapons to live up to it.

Is Osbourne aiming for a disqualification? As soon as the bell rings, he leaves the ring. Dan O'Hare is in charge with a nice suplex against Gatton onto Lloyd. Then Osbourne returns and attacks with a chair. He also places a tube bundle, but gets caught and powerbombed onto it by O'Hare. Lloyd and Gatton team up and smash tubes on O'Hare from behind, then send him out of the ring. Since Osbourne left, too, they arm themselves with new tubes and go at each other, breaking them at the same time in the end.

Lloyd gets a first two count after a Package Piledriver, then sets up chairs to build a pillow fort over Gatton with the door. Osbourne interrupts when Lloyd is on the top rope, but Lloyd fights back, turns it around, and piledrives Osbourne through the door. His pinfall doesn't even get a one because Gatton interrupts with a kick. It's his turn to build something. Since the chairs are still standing, he opts to just place the glass pane onto them. I'm still not sure what's on it. Two white rectangles. Styrofoam boards with razor blades or gussets, maybe?

It's razor blades. And Lloyd goes through them with an Acid Drop from Gatton. Lloyd lowered his singlet just before. That gives him not only the best wrestling gear ratio, but also the best exposure. If Osbourne isn't at least equally bloodied, I'll disqualify him and put Lloyd in the pole position.

While I ponder fashion, Dan O'Hare returns from wherever he was to throw Gatton onto three staffers on the outside. With everyone else gone for the moment, he turns his attention to Lloyd who just plucked the stuck razor blades out of his chest. He's got a good crimson mask going. It's not looking good for Osbourne in Best Dressed. Someone hands Lloyd a barbed wire bat. O'Hare calls and gestures for something.

Oh. It's a weed whacker. Well, that's disappointing, but at least the stupid thing doesn't kill the match's flow for once. Staff hands it to O'Hare already running. Lloyd storms at him with the bat, but predictably gets whacked instead and flees the ring. O'Hare celebrates, then gets rolled up from behind by Gatton who gets a close two count. After some punches and a lariat, Gatton gets his weapons, hits O'Hare with them, then sets up a chair. He manages to maneuver O'Hare onto the turnbuckle, but is suplexed away by Osbourne who puts O'Hare onto the chair with a headscissor.

Osbourne is bleeding. Not much, but it's undoubtedly his own blood. Gatton floors him, then attacks with his rubber chicken and tries to climb the ropes. A returning Lloyd interrupts and suplexes them both off the apron.

O'Hare returns with another door and sprays it with lighter fluid. Coincidentally, Osbourne has lit the barbed wire bat on fire behind his back. As soon as O'Hare sets the door ablaze, Osbourne attacks, but is caught and put through it with a Death Valley Driver. After that, O'Hare gets a three count.

A surprisingly good match with three fairly inexperienced participants (Gatton, Lloyd, O'Hare with 2 – 3 years experience, Osbourne with 7). Even the weed whacker, usually poison to the flow, didn't drag it down. I really didn't expect such a fun, balanced match going in.

For the record, Kit Osbourne is not disqualified. However, seeing the mess Lloyd turned into, I have to swap their places in my ranking. This wasn't a tournament match, so neither of them has a chance to bank in on their outfit improvements later. With Claxton having at least one more opportunity, I find it fair to consider the changes his competitors made during their match.

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INTERMISSION, RECAP

The first round wasn't exactly great, in part because some matches were too long for what they were. All were at least 13 minutes long. This was fine for Claxton vs. Margera which didn't drag and had good balance, and the three way, but it didn't do any favors for the two other singles matches. Cannonball vs. Raver was botchy, unsurprisingly because most G-Raver matches are. Cannonball is at his best with people like Otis Cogar or Josh Crane who you might recognize as the opposite of 'sloppy spot monkeys who try to pull off stupid, overcomplicated spots that are bound to go wrong for reasons of gravity'. Masada vs. SHLAK was also bottom tier, with the main difference being that I didn't expect it to be this bad. I guess it wasn't 'botchy' by definition, just an uncoordinated, meandering mess.

The crowning glory of the first round was the three way, inexplicably the shortest of the matches despite having an extra body to fill the time. Regular readers know my complaints about Masada leaving light tube matches with little more than a scratch. At this point, it's so expected that I'm just positively surprised if he takes anything or even sells it. In this three way, we have two guys on the opposite end of the 'refusing to bleed' spectrum - it's rare to see RSP or JWM leave a match without at least a partial crimson mask – and they don't gush just to compensate for a lack of skill either. In the tournament, they should be the main attractions. And yet they were jobbed out to put a prissy emo boy over. It's comical how Havoc tries to get their blood on his attire to look like he was involved in the bloodshed. At times, it's not far from creeps rubbing up against women in Japanese subway trains. In reality, Havoc's contribution was minimal in all aspects. This match was RSP vs. JWM for the most part, with 'the international deathmatch superstar (other than Masada)' just throwing in a flip here and there.

This was 2017, not 1987. It already was an international deathmatch world. Three years prior, ToD featured not only Aeroboy, but also Jun Kasai and his entourage, making it the most international ToD with 50 % non-American entrants. And in 2017, CZW tries to sell me a British emo kid as the exotic main attraction? Commentary certainly does with constant wild claims about the 'British style' that only Havoc has. It's even sillier because the somehow less-British Clint Margera has already proven to be the better import, both in regards to wrestling ability and willingness to bleed. The highlight of the commentary claims is that 'no foreigner has ever won ToD'. German backyarder Thumbtack Jack won ToD 8 (2009), and Japanese legend Jun Kasai won ToD 13 (2014).

After that travesty, the non-tournament match (bordering on rookie exhibition) really lifted the mood by being surprisingly coherent, balanced, and entertaining.

Because I'm petty, I also want to mention two things here. First, after matches, there are very long replays which would be fine if it wasn't for the fact that all are accompanied by the same song. It is also the soundtrack to injury close-ups after the matches and it's getting really annoying to be bombarded with the same song in its entirety over and over again.

Listen to this for 2 hours on repeat to get the full auditory experience:

Second, there's a brief promo after the four way and its injury close-ups. Jimmy Lloyd, who looks like a slaughtered pig, shows off the weedwhacker wound and says that this was his first deathmatch in CZW. This (and the replays) was on my screen while I was typing my rant about the other Jimmy not bleeding. The juxtaposition is delightful.

This card has a Good Jimmy, a Bad Jimmy, a Good Havoc, and a Bad Havoc. Two of them are the same person.

There are also promos from Dan O'Hare (better on the mic than I remembered), Kit Osbourne (with the world's tiniest pupils), and George Gatton (valium incarnate, dedicating the match to a late friend).

Finally. Round 2 has a different song.

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ROUND 2

Match 1 – Ultraviolent Summertime Fun – Jeff Cannonball vs. Conor Claxton

Jeff Cannonball still wears all black, but there's some decent battle damage on his face and he brought a skateboard without wheels. No outfit change for Claxton either. Some battle damage, but Cannonball has him beat on that front. Claxton's exposure is still better though – trunks vs. shorts – so it's still a victory for him.

CZW has an interesting definition of summertime fun. The guitar, sure, campfire songs. The pool noodle, yep, fits the bill. As does the watermelon (ten bucks it gets smashed between Cannonball's legs). Two trash cans? A random board? A box of salt? An unidentified dark-purple object that might be a backpack? A bunch of sticks? I don't know if any of that is essential to summer or fun.

The match begins with a handshake offer from Cannonball. Claxton reluctantly accepts, then gets caught off guard by Cannonball doing what any sane person would do in his situation: He kisses Claxton, which kicks off an exchange of punches. Cannonball gains the upper hand and shortly after, DDTs Claxton onto the guitar.

I get a look at the sticks now. My tentative guess was 'golf club' or 'fishing rod', but the first item Cannonball introduces to Claxton's back turns out to be a baseball-flail. Ok, I guess baseball counts as summertime fun, too. The second weapon's relation to summer is certainly much flimsier. It's also a flail of sorts – a ball of barbed wire. For my nitpicky peace of mind, I will assume that there's a football inside it.

Still in charge, Cannonball sends Claxton to the outside and... NO. I do NOT accept a hockey stick as a summer-themed weapon. Thankfully, Cannonball destroys it by breaking it over Claxton's head. Commentary justifies it as 'street hockey'. Fair point. I'll accept it. My other guess was correct: Claxton turns the tide with a golf club, but then opts to use the remains of the hockey stick – which has thumbtacks – to carve Cannonball's forehead before throwing salt at him. A bit early for that; Cannonball isn't bleeding much yet. A water jug sees some use, then Cannonball smashes a bottle for a makeshift carving device.

With Cannonball back in control, they wander away from the ring and Claxton gets thrown into chairs, then buried underneath them. Thoughtfully, Cannonball returns a handbag to its owner during the chair throwing frenzy. The camera briefly loses track, then finds Cannonball sitting on a chair and getting sprayed with beer by Claxton. Ice cubes and a cooler are used. I rest my case about the weapons not being summer-themed enough.

A slam over the guardrail maneuvers Claxton back toward the ring, but for now, the action remains on the outside. Cannonball misses a cannonball onto Claxton and only hits the chair, and Claxton now moves to reveal what the purple mystery bag is. A bag full of mini rubber chickens. Fearsome. The sheer silliness drives Cannonball back into the ring where Claxton tries a first pinfall, then attacks with a plain baseball bat. It's rare to see one without barbed wire, thumbtacks, or gussets.

Claxton has the watermelon now, but I'm losing my bet. He tries to piledrive Cannonball who reverses and smashes the melon with a Tiger Driver. A back suplex onto the barbed wire trash cans yields a two count for Cannonball. He sets up the trash cans for something, but Claxton counters with the remains of the guitar, tries to put the trash cans on Cannonball and goes to the top rope. Cannonball gets up though and throws Claxton onto the trash cans, then gets a two count.

Cannonball places him in front of the random board – oh, it's a board of nails, should have guessed that, Claxton loves those – then misses a cannonball, then finds himself under the board and gets leg dropped. Claxton gets a two count. He drags Cannonball onto the board of nails, then goes to the top rope with the skateboard and hits a knee drop for a three count.

This match – easily the MOTN so far - goes to prove that the first round mess was entirely the fault of G-Raver. If not hindered by a sloppy mess, Cannonball delivers and displays quite the agility for a man of his size. This match had the largest variety of weapons, yet still a good wrestling to weapon balance. On the downside: The damn song is back for the replays.

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Match 2 – Light Tubes Treachery – Jimmy Havoc vs. Masada

Temu Gerard Way is disqualified for being soaked exclusively with somebody else's blood. The stain on his thigh is a photorealistic stamp of RSP's face from the headscissor, most of the blotches on the shirt are Murdoch's.

Hilariously, Masada has battle damage for once and the blood on his face is definitely his own. On his way to the ring, Masada seems uncharacteristically amused, presumably because he finds it funny to win the fashion duel by default.

We have long tube bundles and a barbed wire board, and possibly a light tube contraption outside the ring.

The match opens with a lock-up and Masada coming out on top. For some reason, the crowd is really, really into this. Awkward chain wrestling. Really, that's the one word that immediately springs to mind. Commentary drools about 'the best hybrid wrestler in the Combat Zone' (meaning Havoc) which I consider a not-so-subtle diss against half the roster. The chain wrestling continues for quite a while, then Masada powerbombs Havoc through the barbed wire board without much ado. It takes a long, long time to get Havoc's hair out of the barbed wire, so the action comes to a grinding halt early on. Then Masada throws him through the light tubes and Havoc flees the ring.

There is indeed a contraption on the outside, a table with tubes. Masada remains in charge on the outside. That's not to say that the action picks up. It remains fairly slow, Havoc gets thrown over the guardrail and into the chairs, but nothing all too exciting happens. The camera loses track for a bit. I don't mind because, well, not much happens. Masada shoves Havoc against a car, then throws him onto the remains of the barbed wire trampoline.

Again, it takes a long time to get him out and Masada just goes back to the ring while staff is busy. He finds a microphone on the way to call Havoc a 'pussy' which wakes him from his trance. Armed with a chair, he attacks Masada and they return to the ring where Havoc shows the world's slowest kicks, followed by a slow motion headscissor. The way things are going, he'll also out-one-trick-pony Masada whose skewers are at least more visual and more versatile than a headscissor.

Back in the ring, Havoc carves Masada with a broken tube, determined to out-not-bleed him in a direct comparison. A double stomp follows. Masada crawls to a corner, then both just sit there for a long time. Havoc finally notices that the light tube table relocated to the ring and sets it up. Masada manages to arrange Havoc – too clumsy to do it himself - in a corner for some kicks, then powerbombs him onto the table and gets a first two count.

Instead of selling, Havoc gets up and death valley drives Masada onto the table. It still doesn't break, but unlike Havoc, Masada sells it. Havoc gets a three count after a shitty clothesline. Still not a scratch on him, and whoa, what a godawful finish. Maybe DJ Hyde should have watched a few matches before blindly booking and hyping up a random import, but then, this isn't the first time that happened. Hyde just simps for anyone with a foreign passport regardless of ability. Except Clint Margera. Poor Clint Margera. Also poor Masada. I don't say that often, but damn, he didn't deserve this. A fucking clothesline.

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NON-TOURNAMENT MATCH

Fans Bring The Weapons – Matthew Tremont vs. Mad Man Pondo

Matt Tremont, accompanied by his weapon mule Stockade, wears a black singlet to black pants, proper footwear, and a white hooded cloak. Unfortunately, the white is the one thing he removes, leaving us with all black.

Mad Man Mondo wears a black jersey to black jeans shorts and proper footwear. Difficult. Terrible colors on both, fairly covered up. A singlet is wrestling attire which beats the jersey (at least sportswear), but all in all, I think this is a tie.

Why are Tremont and Pondo not in the tournament? If only I knew. Tremont is in his Father Matthew Tremont phase and on the way to his Once in a Lifetime match with Onita, so maybe there's some story reason for it.

For a FBTW, the ring is sparsely stocked. There's a door, there's a fan with light tubes, and some loose tubes. Tremont brought a laundry basket with lego blocks, I believe, and Pondo added his saw stick, stop sign, and an unspecified black bag.

Things kick off with a lock-up, but it takes only seconds until Tremont goes through the door and then the tubes on the fan. Pondo opens his bag and... a drill with a dildo. Who are you? Lowlife Louie Ramos? A second dildo power tool. You see, this is funny because touching dick-shaped things is gay, and gay people are icky. That’s the entire ‘joke’ here. Sorry, but I'm not here to watch shitty comedy. I'm skipping because my sense of humor and sensibilities are not copypasted from a mid-1980s high school comedy script.

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NON-TOURNAMENT MATCH

Scaffold Tag Team Match – Devon Moore & Drew Blood vs. Danny Havoc & Alex Colon

Devon Moore arrives on a lawn mower. As usual, he has a black t-shirt, black shorts, and the aura of somebody who was looking forward to playing Candy Crush while slacking during his late shift at the gas station. His partner Drew Blood, awkwardly following the lawn mower at a distance, also wears the black shirt and dark shorts combo (not sure if black, dark purple, or both), but at least brings a vague promise of wrestling to the table.

Danny Havoc's outfit is also not going to win any prizes, but he deigned to wear a gray tank top to his long black pants. It all depends on Alex Colon now, and he's a bit of a wild card with both colors and sportswear.

Before he appears, Havoc gets a mic and explains that it took him ages to decide who he wants as a partner, and he ultimately went with the last person he thought he'd ever ask. Colon appears in black shorts – no sportswear here – but he's shirtless and matched a red belt to red knee pads. That easily makes him the best dressed person in this match and scores the victory for his team.

There's a weird wooden scaffold attached to the ring posts on one side, and an actual scaffold on the other. Beneath it, the ropes are lined with chairs.

Apparently it's a tornado match. Everyone smashes light tubes. Commentary explains that this is the culmination of some feud, but I frankly don't remember a thing about that. The match devolves into chaos right away. A thumbtack bat gets involved, the Good Havoc drags the chairs – which turn out to be tied together – into the ring. About two minutes in, everyone is on the outside. There's a glass pane set up between chairs. Moore jumps down next to it, hitting the meadow, and limps away and is looked at by staff, suggesting an injury to his foot or ankle.

Meanwhile, Colon gets busy with carpet strips, Havoc slams Blood onto the chairs, then dives onto him from the real scaffold. Commentary says Moore is being rushed away while the chaos continues in and near the ring. Drew Blood suplexes Havoc onto the chairs. Kit Osbourne shows up as a very spontaneous replacement for Moore, only to be put through some kind of barbed wire board by Havoc.

Colon and Blood climb the real scaffold, then leave their elevated position with a Spanish Fly through the barbed wire board below. Colon and Havoc are really lucky that Osbourne entered the match well after the Best Dressed judgment window closed. Still shirtless, still with a coherent black/white theme – Osbourne would have won again, no doubt. Havoc tries to put him through the glass pane table. Neither the glass nor the wood breaks, so Havoc tries again with an elbow drop from the wooden scaffold. Still no success. Havoc goes up again, Colon adds tubes to Osbourne. This time, the glass – all of it – breaks, and Havoc gets a three count.

Well, it was a match. Not a good one, but still. My takeaway from this is: Kit Osbourne defended his strong Best Dressed position. It will be a difficult call what exactly to consider in my final ranking, seeing that the current top 3 had a different number of matches – Claxton will have a third, Osbourne had two, Jimmy Lloyd just one.

Danny Havoc gets a microphone and gives a retirement speech. Colon takes the mic away, reminds everyone that they don't like each other, then challenges Havoc to one last match which is accepted and announced for September 2017. Good idea because this one was really a terrible way to go.

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Jesus Christ, endless replays, same song.

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FINAL

No Ropes Barbed Wire No Canvas Barbed Wire Light Tubes – Conor Claxton vs. Temu Gerard Way

CZW cameramen traditionally hate me and don't want me to have nice things. This is why I'm getting a split screen for Claxton's entrance, the larger side being a bird's eye view from above the ring.

I can still tell that his outfit hasn't changed, other than the battle damage from before being gone. That doesn't say anything though because I think the fairest way to rank the top 3 is by comparing their post-match looks. This is what got current frontrunner Jimmy Lloyd onto the podium, so this is how he must defend the position.

The Bad Havoc still tries to pass off other peoples' blood as his own and remains disqualified. It's still only RSP and JWM's blood. Masada bled a bit, but – likely out of spite – not enough to get a relevant amount on Havoc's attire. What a dunce, really. I can already tell that this final would have been a lot better with the other Brit in his place.

The match opens with a high kick duel, then Havoc shoves Claxton through a light tube contraption on the outside. That wasn't even a shitty clothesline. He throws a chair at Claxton, then shoves him against the guardrail. It appears wrestling moves, even simple ones, have gone out of fashion altogether. If I were less annoyed, I might claim it was an armdrag that put Claxton over the guardrail. I am annoyed that my eye candy is served with salt and vinegar though, so I'm not going to say that.

Claxton is back in the ring now. For the record: He is bleeding. Light tube smashing. Havoc evades, mainly because he is a delicate flower and doesn't want to bleed in a deathmatch. Claxton catches him with a tube bundle after a while, and puts him through a spontaneously materialized light tube and chair contraption with a Bulldog because Claxton isn't above using wrestling moves.

He creates a new contraption from wire mesh fence and a glass pane between the apron and the guardrail, then puts Havoc through it with a piledriver. Oh no! Oh my god! Havoc is bleeding! How could that happen? Will he ever recover from that? His future is uncertain. Claxton bleeds quite a bit though, but staff is surrounding Havoc.

After a long time, both return to the ring and it goes back to split screen. Havoc grovels on the canvas, Claxton strolls to the light tube coffin thing and douses it with lighter fluid. He picks Temu Gerard up for a DVD while setting it ablaze, but Temu Gerard counters and puts Claxton through the burning tubes.

I'm not sure if the coffin-like thing was meant to break. Either way, it didn't. Oh, it has a lid. Havoc opens it and... I don't know. Split screen. Ah, a pane of glass is put onto the opening. Havoc puts Claxton into the coffin and through a glass pane and into the barbed wire with a Death Valley Driver. After freeing him from the barbed wire, Havoc places a light tube bundle and stomps Claxton through it for a three count. I suppose it was at least slightly less shitty than the shitty clothesline that killed Masada.

RSP and Clint Margera show up to hand Havoc his unearned trophy. For the record, Margera is 'a man from England', not 'an international deathmatch superstar'. RSP has the thankless task to provide Havoc's laudation. RSP also praises Claxton who reacts by getting a tube bundle, then attacking Margera, RSP, and piledriving Havoc before smashing the trophy. At the time, this was considered a 'heel turn'. With the blessing of hindsight, this was quite possibly the best thing that happened in ToD history.

Once Claxton left the arena, Havoc gets the microphone and blabbers on and on about his father taking him to the city to see the Black Parade when he was a young boy. Whatever.

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FINAL THOUGHTS

The first round, as I already recapped, was decidedly meh. The second round was a mixed bag as well, by which I mean one of the two matches was the clear MOTN and the other one was just a whole lot of nothing, topped with a spectacularly bad finish.

The FBTW apparently got bloodier at some point. At least Pondo was crimson masked when I skipped through it, but I frankly doubt it was more than a smashfest, given the stipulation and tone. The tag team match was gimped by Moore's early injury. I gather that this was meant to be the big payoff of a feud between Moore and Havoc which obviously lost that impact completely without Moore being in it. Generally speaking, Osbourne is a vast improvement over Moore - he's neither as sloppy nor as lazy - but that doesn't mean he can replace him in this context.

The final, despite ramping things up with some interesting contraptions, wasn't great. Jimmy Havoc finally bled, but other than that, his contribution was limited to a total of two Death Valley Drivers and some kicks. That's fine if you're Mad Man Pondo or Louie Ramos, I guess, but if you're advertised as the 'international deathmatch superstar' and 'the best hybrid wrestler in CZW' (on a card with the Good Havoc, Colon, Blood, Claxton, JWM, and RSP, no less), that's very, very far from enough to impress me. At least the destruction of the trophy was very satisfying to watch and I suppose that means the final ended on a high note.

MOTN was Claxton vs. Cannonball in round 2, followed by Claxton vs. Margera in round 1, followed by the non-tournament four way.

On to the Best Dressed ranking. Due to the different number of matches of the top 3, I compare the end results this time to make it fair. Jimmy Lloyd, the one who only had one match, takes the trophy home with great exposure, great battle damage, 100 % wrestling gear, bad colors. Conor Claxton is the runner-up with good exposure and battle damage, decent wrestling attire ratio, bad colors, and Kit Osbourne with great colors, attention to detail, decent exposure, meh battle damage, no sportswear in third.

The MVP of this show was Conor Claxton with a total of 3 matches, including the MOTN and the runner-up, followed by Kit Osbourne with a total of 2 matches, including one in the top 3, and stepping up to fill in for Moore which meant taking the nasty dives involving the sturdy table.

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