XPW Alive & Kicking (2024)

Like trash TV, but with more light tubes

I'm feeling mentally resilient today, and I decided to use my abnormal fortitude to review an XPW show. XPW Alive & Kicking took place exactly one year ago, on Feb 25, 2024 in the Heart Ballroom in Newark, New Jersey. Would it really be an XPW show without an insane run time? No. It's 4 hours long and the card features exactly four matches. What the hell. The main event, that much I know, is a gauntlet for the vacant XPW King of the Deathmatch title. Somehow I doubt it's three hours long, but I guess there's just one way to find out.

Well, I think I already found the answer to the burning question 'why the fuck is this show that long?' The first 45 minutes consist of nothing but commercials for XPW merch and Rob Black's show/podcast/whatever.

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Match 1 – Ken Dixon vs. Lucky 13

Match 2 - Chuey Martinez vs. OBEY

Match 3 – SHLAK vs. Rickey Shane Page vs. Masada

Match 4 – Hellsgate Gauntlet Deathmatch

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Skipping around, I find the actual start. At least Larry Legend is entering the ring now. Sound isn't great; there was a completely mute moment. The camera jumps around and there are bright lights pointed at it. Nothing can wear me down today though, so let's see if there'll finally be a match. There's music at least. It's some woman with some title. Kat Martini. Isn't she blond? She gets the mic and I'm not listening because I simply don't care. Skipping ahead, Mickie Knuckles is in the ring, too, but it doesn't look like this is going to be a match. Skipping more. 57 minutes in. Larry Legend has the mic back and finally announces the first match.

Match 1 – Ken Dixon vs. Lucky 13

Ken Dixon makes his XPW debut, but he sure didn't dress to impress for the occasion. Bald, bearded, long blue jeans, at least the black belt matches the shoes. What drives people to dress like this? This isn't even a deathmatch. In that case, I understand (although not really approve) if people don't want to ruin good gear. But in a regular singles match, there are no excuses. Wild prediction: Whatever Lucky 13 wears, he'll win this fashion face off.

Lucky 13 wears black tights with matching wrist and footwear. Yeah, that's the easiest victory in the world. It's really not that hard to just dress like a wrestler for a wrestling match. Since it's not a deathmatch, I'm going to skip though.

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1 hour 15 minutes. Larry Legend is back and announces something. There's music. I know this.

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Match 2 - (??? deathmatch) – Chuey Martinez vs. OBEY

Chuey wears green camo shorts, fanny pack, and an orange vest over a black singlet, striped socks, proper boots. Not great on the sportswear front, and without the vest it's very meh on colors, too.

OBEY wears white pants with a black pop art pattern, and he's barefoot and accessorized with facepaint and a rosary. I'm not counting his valet as an accessory, but she too fits the theme. Great showing, clear victory for OBEY. He's also a very strong contender for Best Dressed in the long run.

This is officially a deathmatch, but the exact stipulation is unknown. There are some lighttubes in the ring. Other than that, I don't see any weapons.

It starts off with an exchange of elbow strikes and punches, then chops from Chuey. After some stomps on OBEY's back, the tide turns and he chokes Chuey on the ropes. Chuey evades a corner splash and goes right back to chops, then tries a first cover for a one count. They leave the ring, but it's still chops from Chuey, now on the guardrail.

A first weapon comes into play when Chuey staples some piece of paper to OBEY's head. Chuey returns to the ring and lays in wait there with lighttubes. He throws one to OBEY when he returns to the ring, and they smash them on each other. Chuey remains in charge and places more tubes and slams OBEY through them. A two count follows.

Chuey gets the staple gun again, but the stapling doesn't face the camera, so I'm not sure what happens. More tubes break in a Russian Leg Sweep against OBEY, some carving, another two count.

Chuey puts a lighttube in OBEY's mouth before a Jawbreaker. That looked pretty good! The staple gun makes a comeback when Chuey staples OBEY's bare feet, then his head, until OBEY fights back with lighttubes and does some carving of his own. Chuey counters with a Testicular Claw and somehow gets a two count, then stabs OBEY's groin with a magically materialized fork. Stabs to the head follow, another two count. Chuey is bleeding from the neck like a slaughtered pig. He stabs OBEY's feet with the fork, then they exchange punches and somehow OBEY gains the upper hand and goes for an armbar. He maneuvers Chuey in a corner, hits a splash of sorts, then almost gets a pinfall... but apparently, XPW deathmatches have rope breaks.

Chuey is back in charge now. Fork in mouth, he gathers the remaining lighttubes in the center of the ring. After stabbing OBEY's head with the fork, Chuey goes to the top rope and fights OBEY off with a headbutt. When Chuey tries to stand up on the rope, he slips and gets a lighttube over the head from OBEY's valet. OBEY superplexes him through the tubes, then gets a three count.

For some reason, Larry Legend first announces Chuey as the winner, then corrects himself. By no means a good match; lots of stabbing and punching, but at least the finish looked good. OBEY gets a microphone. I don't understand a word due to all the background noise, but my guess is that he's pretty solid on the mic.

Now that's just embarrassing.

More commercials.

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Match 3 – XPW Heavyweight Title Match

SHLAK (C) vs. RSP vs. Masada

SHLAK wears what he always wears: black shorts, proper boots, matching belt. For a while, nothing happens, then Rob Black enters and I skip to land on RSP entering. He wears a lot of stuff: black shirt, blue jacket, black pants and footwear, blue flannel around his waist. Not sure he's here to wrestle, but we'll see. Black is still there, and now RSP has the mic. Skipping more. The sound quality is significantly worse now. Everything sounds like it's filtered through a tin can. Masada appears, wearing tan shorts, proper boots, and a black hoodie. Black is still there, commentary doesn't know what's going on, now Masada has the mic. Is this a match or a stage play?

Whatever this is, SHLAK is best dressed and I'm going to skip because the one thing I know is that it isn't a deathmatch.

Skipping ahead, SHLAK has skewers in his head. The match isn't over yet. There's also broken glass. Maybe it is/was a deathmatch. Skipping more, SHLAK is still champion, according to commentary. I also believe this was the result of interference by Eric Ryan. 44OH interference? What a twist.

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More commercials.

2 hours 29 minutes. Larry Legend is back in the ring to announce that a new King of the Deathmatches will be crowned now.

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Match 4 – Hellsgate Gauntlet Deathmatch

Judge Joe Dred vs. Eric Ryan vs. Dr. Redacted vs. Tarzan Duran vs. Dirty Ron vs. the artist formerly known as Necro Butcher vs. Mickie Knuckles vs. Homeless Jimmy

Dred is 'the first of who knows how many' entrants. (I know. It's 8.) He wears a black judge robe over a black shirt and singlet, proper footwear. Not great; it's all black, but let's see if we get at least some exposure to balance it out. For the moment, Steven Jury talks. Only the robe comes off in the meantime. Decent wrestling attire ratio, terrible colors. Now Dred talks. I'm already well on my way to another round of Stockholm Syndrome. More than 10 minutes have gone by since the match officially started and there still isn't another entrant. Dred finally surrenders the microphone.

Whoa! Another entrant! I was fully prepared for a commercial break. Eric Ryan wears a black shirt with yellow 44OH print, long yellow pants, proper boots, fork in his mouth. The shirt comes off and reveals a matching belt. Much worse on the sportswear front than Dred, but far superior colors and a slight edge in regards to exposure. Ryan is the one to beat in this gauntlet.

It starts off with a waistlock from Ryan and a takedown counter from Dred. Ryan leaves the ring, then returns for more wrestling, again it ends with Dred coming out stronger. Now Ryan gets his stupid fork and the stab fest is on. Oh well. It's early in the match. Ryan finds more forks in his pocket and neckbreakers Dred onto them for a first cover that is broken at one. Ryan leaves the ring again to get terracotta pots and stomps them one by one on Dred's hands and feet. A suplex into the shards follows, as does another one count. Again, Ryan leaves the ring. SHLAK is probably plotting their blood feud backstage.

This time, Ryan returns with a chair for an unprotected head shot, then Dred counters with a big boot and suddenly Ryan is gushing. Dred Michinoku Drives Ryan onto a chair and gets a first two count. Dred attacks with his oversized gavel and gets a three count. The ref counted to three twice, there seemed to be some confusion, and I'd guess this wasn't the plan. Ryan was bleeding buckets from his head and I'm not sure why, but it certainly looked like he couldn't continue.

Dr. Redacted wears his light-blue scrubs, stethoscope, white sneakers. Good colors, a theme to excuse the lack of sportswear. His weakness is the low exposure, but I'm rating this above Ryan.

Redacted jumps Dred with his stethoscope and tries to choke him out, but Dred gets out of it with a snapmare. The chair gets involved and Redacted gets thrown into it, but he gets the advantage back with a quick lighttube attack. The brawl continues on the outside and Redacted goes to search something under the ring. He returns with another lighttube and another chair for a Cannonball from the apron. Redacted remains in charge until Jury distracts him and buys Dred time to evade a Cannoball against the guardrail.

Dred has tubes and his tiny gavel now, but ultimately attacks Redacted with a plastic sign before hammering a gusset plate into his head. Dred follows up by smashing a lighttube-star on him, then takes Redacted to a ladder. After a brief counter duel, Redacted gets a Death Valley Driver onto it. Dred rolls Redacted back into the ring and takes two lighttubes with him, but goes straight for a cover for a two count for now. He puts Redacted on the top rope, gets fought off with a headbutt, then gets a Frog Splash and kicks out at two. Redacted rolls him to the other corner, places the tubes on him, but Dred gets up and gets the tubes dropkicked into his face instead of a splash.

Redacted now gets his trash can and climbs the top rope. When he jumps, he's intercepted by Dred's big gavel – which breaks - yet kicks out at two once again. Dred gives him another slam and then gets a three count. Redacted beats up the ref before leaving, and with Tarzan Duran, the next entrant appears.

Duran wears themed golden-black loincloth, wrist bands, proper boots. I don't understand what the blunt has to do with the jungle, but otherwise this is a strong showing. Themed, great exposure, decent colors. Dred may shine in the ring, but so far everyone else shone brighter in the wardrobe.

Duran immediately attacks and hits a springboard splash, and Dred flees to the outside, only to be caught with a suicide dive. Duran climbs the guardrail and follows up with a not-really-ropewalk smash of a lighttube cross. Still on the outside, punches get exchanged, then Dred prevents a springboard/guardrail headscissor by dropping Duran on the guardrail. Tubes get smashed, Dred chokes him with the handle of the big gavel.

Back in the ring, there's more choking on the ropes, and apparently the original ref is knocked out on the outside. Dred continues to use the remains of his gavel, then sends Duran to the corner and proceeds to set up a chair. Duran turns the tide with a kick combo and a cutter, then places the dented chair on Dred and goes to the top rope for a corkcrew senton and a two count.

Duran finds a pizza cutter and uses it. He's allowed to do that. So far, everything he did in this match qualified as a wrestling move, so I don't hold a little down time against him. The carving session is brief; Duran instead punches Dred in the corner. Finally, he opens a wrapped mystery package – which contains a kitchen knife. Now there's more carving and Jury provides distraction to get Dred out of the stabbing. Dred puts Duran's blunt out in his eye/crimson mask, Headlock Drivers him, then gets a three count.

Dirty Ron wears green-white checkered overall shorts over a green shirt, golden sneakers, white hat, facepaint, and I believe he also wears striped socks under black kickpads. Clown or not, this is all over the place and certainly more covered up than Duran, so I stick with him.

Ron sneaks up on Dred with lighttubes and removes his shirt, but that doesn't change my verdict. He uses it to choke Dred, but quickly goes for the tubes again. The chair makes a comeback; Dred gets a piledriver onto it, then Ron attacks with a Sabu-style low dropkick of sorts. He throws a ladder – which almost rebounds onto him – into the ring and picks Dred up for a simple slam, then places the dented ladder on him and dives onto him with an elbow drop from the top rope.

Once again, Jury draws attention to himself and lures Ron out of the ring. On the outside, Ron obtains barbed wire bongos from a fan, but loses them to Dred after a trash can attack. Dred smashes lighttube remains on Ron, then the plastic sign, then they return to the ring. Ron gets punched and tackled, but manages to counter the Headlock Driver attempt with a suplex, and throw the ever-popular chair against Dred's head. Ron suplexes Dred onto the remains of the ladder, elbow drops him, then is about to climb the top rope when JJ Escobar appears and pulls him down.

Escobar is not in this match. According to commentary, he's not 'cleared to wrestle' and/or 'not supposed to be here tonight'. That doesn't stop him from chasing Ron around and into the ring where Dred gets a three count after a Headlock Driver.

Oh god. MAGA Butcher. Accompanied by Jasmin St. Claire and Hardcore Hillbilly. Stars and stripes sweatpants, black boots, not going to judge this MAGA crap, immediate exchange of punches. It's probably going to be every MAGA Butcher match ever once again. Yep, we're in the crowd now – at least the camera stays on the action. Using random chairs and the merch table. Now we're outside on the street and the camera craps out. When the camera catches up, Dred is in charge, smashing beer cans on Necro's head, throwing him into the chairs, it's hard to tell what's going on in the crowd. Somehow, Necro is back in charge. Slam against Dred onto the concrete, a two count. Dred returns to the ring, depriving Necro of easy guardrail access. On the outside, Hardcore Hillbilly and Jasmin St. Claire attack Steven Jury. Necro still punches Dred in the ring, then tries another cover after a swinging neckbreaker, but Dred kicks out.

Necro now has the chair; another unprotected head shot for Dred. Another cover, another two, Steven Jury enters the ring. When Necro goes after him, Dred rolls him up and gets a three count. Finally. Also: no guardrail slam.

Oh god. Knuckles. I can't. I really can't. Skipping ahead, a Tokyo tower got smashed, a Headlock Driver eliminates Knuckles, Homeless Jimmy enters.

Difficult. Black shorts, black shirt, blue flannel, proper boots. Does the homeless gimmick justify the lack of sportswear? Does it look homeless enough in general? Honestly, not really. It would all need to be a lot rattier because I can think of several people who look more homeless than Jimmy. Tarzan Duran stays in the lead.

Dred attacks on the outside with lighttubes, Jimmy fights back by smashing Dred's head to the guardrail, tries to choke him out, attacks with the shopping cart. Only to get the dented trash can over the head, followed by a chair shot. Now Dred has the shopping cart and throws it into the ring, but the brawl continues on the outside. Steven Jury is still down and out next to the ring.

Back inside, Jimmy attacks with lighttubes and a flying heel kick, but only gets a two count. And another. Dred gets away and to a box of lighttubes, and smashes a bunch of them on Jimmy. He's gushing after the first already, but Dred keeps going albeit in slow motion. They end up standing on the shopping cart, and Jimmy manages to put Dred onto it for a three count.

Rob Black shows up again to hand Jimmy the belt and kick Dred out of the ring.

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FINAL THOUGHTS

For an XPW show, it wasn't that bad. Not counting all the commercials, it's probably under 3 hours, with the gauntlet taking up about half of that, and much of the rest just feels like filler. The first match was just there, Chuey Martinez vs. OBEY was also nothing to write home about, and both were just too long for what they were (12:30 and 13:50 minutes).

From skimming, the threeway for the Heavyweight title was better, but also had a lot of filler in and around it; lots of talking, apparently a controversial finish, probably due to a feud I'm not in the loop about.

All of that was clearly just frame work for the main attraction, the gauntlet. Needless to say that it was the MOTN when it took up most of the card, but since a gauntlet is more or less a series of singles matches, I can narrow it down to a more precise verdict: the Dred vs. Redacted part was the MOTN, with Dred vs. Duran as runner-up. The rest was mostly a mess. Lots of uninspired brawling in the middle, but I mainly mean the two gushers that looked far from intentional. First, the double three count on Ryan where it's pretty clear the ref didn't expect him to stay down, then the rushed finish with Homeless Jimmy. Naturally, that also didn't translate to a victory that felt earned. Dred's performance – going the full 70 minutes with little downtime – was impressive. Heel or not, he put in the work. Homeless Jimmy just showed up for his shopping cart spot and some punches, and it looked like mark booking to put the old XPW title on the veteran for the hell of it. The MVP trophy is a foregone conclusion; it would be silly to name anyone other than Dred.

For Best Dressed in Death, it comes down to Duran vs. OBEY and I'm going with the former due to a greater amount wrestling attire and better exposure.

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