X-Brand Wrestling – Bloodlust (2024)

I don't think this is a tournament, but I put it on my to do list for some reason I can't remember. The intro certainly looks like it's a deathmatch show, so maybe that's all there is to it.

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Match 1 - Jimmy Lyon vs. Jay Sawyer

Match 2 - Philadelphia Street Fight - Gangsta X vs. Jus Sayin

Match 3 - Jimmy Controversy vs. Sinister Minister vs. Angel Metro

Match 4 - Da Goombah vs. Willy Tiny

Match 5 - Lighttube Mayhem - JC Extreme vs. Draven

Match 6 - Roman 5-0 vs. Kamikaze

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Apparently, the ring is a half pipe. Maybe it's death-skating? Who knows! The sound of Rob Zombie makes me expect Funny Bone, but instead of the bald Demi-God of Death, a woman who definitely has hair appears. The camera goes nuts and all over the place, and finally comes to rest on a referee I recognize from RPW. I still haven't spotted a ring, which doesn't bode well, but there's a barbed bat in the half pipe.

Unfortunately, the first entrance confirms that I'm watching a deathmatch show. Unfortunately because it is my nemesis, Jimmy Lyon.

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Match 1 - Jimmy Lyon vs. Jay Sawyer

As usual, he wears his best gas station outfit, but also a orange-yellow mask of some kind. The camera remains erratic, so it's hard to tell. Lyon is barefoot. Blergh. He's also in the half pipe, so I'm guessing there really isn't a ring. Not even 4 minutes in and I have already been confronted with 2 of my least favorite things in wrestling.

Lyon's opponent is Jay Sawyer who I have never seen or heard of before. He wears a white plastic mask. Maybe this is a mask vs. mask match. Sawyer also works at a gas station, but they have slightly better work uniforms – black shirt, white pants, and most importantly, shoes.

There's neither a ring nor a stipulation, but the barbed wire bat and some barbed wire boards on both sides of the half pipe suggest this is a deathmatch. An actual ring bell rings. That's unexpected. Lyon starts debating with the ref, then gets attacked from the back. The masks are gone, so my theory about a mask vs. mask stipulation was short-lived. There's no commentary, by the way.

No dignity either.

The barbed wire board gets used, something I can't say about wrestling moves. In fact, all of this is utterly terrible. Skipping a bit, Lyon also sticks skewers into Sawyer's head, somehow without drawing blood. Correction: This is beyond terrible. And it goes on and on and on. By the time these two paragons of wrestling finally leave, I'm relatively sure my brain – unlike them – is bleeding.

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Match 2 - Philadelphia Street Fight - Gangsta X vs. Jus Sayin

The next contender, Gangsta X, surprises with actual wrestling attire. It's mostly black, but it's something. His opponent is apparently named 'Jus Sayin'. I don't know what to say to that. He too wears all black, but the pants might be sportswear. If the camera got a grip, I could tell. Jus Sayin complains that there's 'nothing but deathmatch marks here'. Gangsta X lectures him about respecting everyone who puts their body on the line for the sport. I appreciate that they are trying to do something to get a reaction.

The announcer lady says that this is a Philadelphia Street Fight. I'm moderately hopeful. The camera work is bad, but the match might at least be better than the first one. There's a lot of kicking and punching, and a kendo stick gets involved, but there was a DDT at some point. That's one wrestling move more than the first match had – and a dropkick brings that count up even more. Gangsta X tries something that might become a Death Valley Driver or slam of sorts, but Jus Sayin escapes both times. This match is by no means good, but other than the presence of any wrestling, it has another positive by being fairly short. Jus Sayin wins after one of his many, many kicks.

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Match 3 - Jimmy Controversy vs. Sinister Minister vs. Angel Metro

Ah! This is likely why I put this show on my watchlist! Jimmy Controversy. I probably added it after being frustrated that I couldn't see his match at Carnage Cup. As usual, he wears all black, but is excused because everything fits his gimmick, down to matching belt and boots. He also gets rid of the vest which puts him at an exposure advantage over his facepainted opponent, Sinister Minister (wasn't that James Mitchell?), who wears a black shirt to lava-themed sweatpants and sneakers. The third entrant, Angel Metro, wears a black shirt to winter camo pants. From the little I have seen of her, she's not terrible as a wrestler, but the outfit choice isn't great. Easy victory for Controversy despite all the black.

Ugh. Why is Jimmy Lyon in the ri... I mean, half pipe again? To talk. I'm not listening. I'm skipping to when the match begins. For the first time on this show, it's something I'd call a wrestling match rather than a half pipe brawl. It's certainly not a masterclass, but there are a handful of moves and it's all more intense than the previous matches. A bunch of weapons – light tubes, gusset, a bat of some kind, and sparklers – get involved, and Sinister Minister even bleeds. Angel Metro wins over him by submission.

There's some debate. Apparently, Jimmy Controversy is allied with Jimmy Lyon now. Lyon also has a problem with Sinister Minister. And he challenges Angel Metro. She tells him to stfu which I am very grateful for.

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Match 4 - Da Goombah vs. Willy Tiny

Some lady with zombie make-up (?) appears and announces Da Goombah, a guy with a fedora, white pinstripe jacket, black pants, and I think I spotted black sneakers. He proceeds to talk and talk which, considering what I have seen of the wrestling so far, might be the lesser evil. Next, Willy Tiny, wearing black shorts, black sneakers, and a referee shirt, enters. I'm not sure either of these guys is a wrestler. Willy arms himself with a light tube while Da Goombah is still talking. Everything seems possible in magical moments like this.

Oh. This is indeed a match. Willy Tiny removes the ref shirt to reveal a black t-shirt, then removes that one, too. Goombah gets rid of the white jacket and fedora. There's no hope in this one though. Nobody here looks like a wrestler and the match is just as magical as expected. A bunch of weapons get used – the kendo stick, a giant Pepsi trash can or barrel – and a crossbody onto a sofa claims the fame of being the most notable spot. I think Da Goombah won after involving a ladder or chair, but it was too painful to watch the full thing, so I skimmed a bit.

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Now there's a bunch of light tubes in the half pipe.

Match 5 - Lighttube Mayhem - JC Extreme vs. Draven

Oh boy. JC Extreme, a man who looks like a soccer player from the mid-1980s and Reinhold Messner had a son, seems to be the first contestant in what I'm sure will be an unforgettable match. With a red t-shirt to black POR tights and proper boots, JC Extreme is in the running for the Best Dressed podium. As is his opponent, Draven, all in black, but with the highest wrestling attire ratio so far and good accessorization. Maybe this will match will surprise me. It even has a formal name: Light Tube Mayhem.

The very first thing that happens is a proper lock-up. Color me surprised indeed: That's a first on this show. The first tubes break, then a slam takes place. That's not to say this match is good, but it's firmly above this show's average in intensity and wrestling, and seeing they have the most tubes available, there's also the potential to be the bloodiest match. Which isn't hard, but I figured it's worth mentioning. For a show called 'Bloodlust', there really has been a whole lot. More weapons, including two tree stumps and everyone's favorite, the kendo stick, appear while wrestling moves are firmly on the way out. In the end, Draven wins with some kind of jump that puts JC Extreme through a board between the tree stumps.

I'm relieved to hear that there's only the main event to go. There are new light tubes in the half pipe.

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Match 6 - Roman 5-0 vs. Kamikaze

The first entrant is Roman 5-0 in black police attire, but for some unfathomable reason, he wears bright blue boots. Jimmy Controversy shows up. Unsurprisingly, the two are affiliated in some way, but Roman clearly lacks Controversy's attention to detail when it comes to his outfit. It's still above average in the context of this show because he has proper (if mismatched) boots and a singlet under the police vest. Controversy proceeds with a lengthy introduction of his new ally, then Roman's opponent Kamikaze appears and makes a strong fashion showing (measured by this show anyway) – a mask that reminds me of Cyrax from Mortal Kombat, yellow/stars & stripes shorts, black vest, proper kickpads. Something seems familiar about this. Have I seen this guy before? POR maybe? HorrorSlam? How many people with these specific shorts can there be?

Man, my attention span is shit, but my memory is almost photographic. I don't watch POR and only sproradically keep up with HorrorSlam, but both my guesses were right.

Anyway. Back to the match. It starts off with a light tube attack from Roman right away, and less than a minute in, he sticks firecrackers on Kamikaze's back. It takes a long time for them to go off and naturally, Kamikaze just patiently waits for that to happen.

Twice.

Why? Because POR isn't really a wrestling or at least a backyard promotion, but an elaborate framing device for guys that are really into CBT. (Hint: The T stands for 'torture', not 'therapy'.) I am decidedly not, and furthermore, I'm reviewing deathmatch wrestling, not thinly veiled fetish performances, so this review is over. Not that it matters for the final verdict because there is nothing that could possibly change it from "give this the widest berth you can muster".

There is no MOTN because all matches were bad. The Best Dressed trophy is hiding under a trash can and refuses to be handed out. MVP is Angel Metro for telling Jimmy Lyon to shut up.

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