PWT Southern Sickness 2019

More 'Trainwreck' than 'Pro Wrestling

It's perfectly fair to say I'm reviewing a trainwreck today because Southern Sickness (not to be confused with the Southern Sickness Cup which took place two years later) was the first deathmatch tournament held by Pro Wrestling Trainwreck, the short-lived promotion run by JC Rotten. This show isn't short. In total, it's close to 5 hours, split up in two days/parts of roughly the same length.

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ROUND 1

Match 1 - Elimination Four Way - Kevin Giza vs. Akira vs. Lukas Jacobs vs. Cole Radrick

Match 2 – Dead Sea (something something) Barefoot – Reed Bentley vs. Dale Patricks

Match 3 – Oh god, no, you can't be serious... - Marli Knox vs. JC Rotten

Match 4 – Gusset Taipei - Zodiak vs. Casanova Valentine

Match 5 - ??? - Neil Diamond Cutter vs. Herzog

Match 6 – (light tube something, maybe log cabin) Threeway – Bam Bam Bundy vs. Raven Black vs. Kody Rice

Match 7 - FBTW - Eric Wayne vs. Aeroboy

Match 8 – Four Seasons - Markus Crane vs. Jeff King

Match 9 – House of Horrors – John Wayne Murdoch vs. Matt Tremont

DAY 2 - Abandon hope all ye who enter here

ROUND 2

SEMI FINALS

FINAL

Final Thoughts

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In good old Rotten tradition, it all begins with a speech from a Rotten. In this case, it's JC and he doesn't bother to address the crowd via microphone. He just speaks really loudly, meaning I understand what he's saying. Less than a minute in, I can already tell that sound and camera work aren't great.

The hat says 'cloud cuckoo lander', not 'dreamer'. That's just an optical illusion.

Eddy Only has a staph infection. Despite this very, very contagious infection (as JC emphasizes), he wanted to wrestle because this show meant that much to him. JC heroically prevented the infection from spreading by saying 'no'. If Mr. Delusion himself has to step in, that doesn't paint a favorable picture of Only, but it's also quite possible Rotten is lying about his urgent desire to attend this historical event. Who knows, who cares! Next, we have Matthew Justice. He did not want to drive alone, so he's not here either. The Hooligans can't be here because they have real life jobs, something the Rotten clan has only heard about in old legends. Orin Veidt also isn't here because he's taking care of his very ill girlfriend. I begin to wonder if anyone showed up. Deadly Dale woke up not feeling like driving, so he too isn't there.

JC Rotten begins to recite the card. Since you're going to read about all of it in detail, I'm not going to type it out here. The one noteworthy part of this drawn-out speech is that Marli Knox, who had a total of one match prior to Southern Sickness (losing to Randi West in the first round of Death Becomes Her 3 months earlier), and who never wrestled again after this tournament, receives a bye. As JC Rotten announces this, Marli Knox comes out and in a valiant yet futile effort at acting, says she doesn't want the bye. JC explains that he explained to her on an 8 hour car ride that 'those things happen' and plays the chauvinist role as well as can be expected from a Rotten. He puts her in a match against himself in the end. Any guesses who is fucking who around here?

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ROUND 1

Match 1 - Elimination Four Way - Kevin Giza vs. Akira vs. Lukas Jacobs vs. Cole Radrick

Kevin Giza wears a green shirt to black silk sweatpants and proper footwear which is quite a long way from his stronger showings. He's closer to looking vaguely athletic than Akira though. Akira wears a red-black shirt to a black suit, complete with dress shoes. What the hell. Lukas Jacobs wears white sweatpants to sneakers which is at least a big step up in regards to color and exposure, but generally just an awful look. Cole Radrick, for the first time ever, looks like a winner. All in white, actual sportswear, light tube bundle on his shoulder, and even proper footwear. Easiest victory of Radrick's life.

In the ring are several doors and light tube bundles, there's a scaffold nearby, and I also see at least one ladder. The match is set for two pinfalls, meaning two will advance.

It opens with Radrick smashing his tubes on Jacobs within seconds, then they leave the ring to Giza and Akira, the more promising pairing. Giza goes outside, so now it's Radrick vs. Akira, but it doesn't look like anyone is really sure what they are doing. Long breaks between moves, clearly taking turns for the right pairings, waiting for others to get into position.

Commentary is quiet for long stretches because oftentimes, not much happens. Highlights, and I'm using the term lightly, include: Jacobs piledrives Giza on top of the wonky scaffold, Radrick backflips Jacobs onto the scaffold, Giza misses an apron frog splash into light tubes, Radrick gets suplexed against the ladder and light tubes, Radrick's elbow drop from the top of the ladder onto Giza on a board, the ladder falling onto Jacobs, Akira being hilariously bad at selling.

The first elimination is Kevin Giza, my one real glimmer of hope in this match, at the hands of Cole Radrick. It's also really, really dragging and really, really not a good match. I'm almost 24 minutes into the 2 hours 28 minutes run-time and have been watching what feels like a rookie exhibition match the entire ti...

What? Well. It is over. I think Radrick eliminated Jacobs, but that's just a guess based on who the camera was pointed at right before cutting to Reed Bentley, already in the ring, no entrance, no music. I mean, I take it. The first match was way too long and way too bad, but the editing also leaves a lot to be desired. How am I supposed to judge outfits when the entrances are cut?

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Match 2 – Dead Sea (something something) Barefoot – Reed Bentley vs. Dale Patricks

Reed Bentley wears a black shirt and jeans shorts which is a disappointment, but at least he doesn't look like he just rolled out of bed. Which is roughly the look Lukas Jacobs went for, and Akira wasn't all that far from it either, giving more of a 'woke up like this after a fancy-ish party' spin to it.

Dale Patricks wears a black shirt, black silk shorts, white sweatband, and – weirdly enough for a Barefoot match – kickpads. Neither outfit is great. Patricks has a slight advantage in sportswear, Bentley is clearly less covered (sleeveless and being actually barefoot), color-wise it's almost equally bad.

What do, what do? I think I let my personal bias guide my decision and rule in favor of Bentley for not being entirely dressed in black and honoring the stipulation (although the barefoot part was only added earlier during JC Rotten's tireless speech). Now that I think about it, it's not really biased. I was mainly giving Bentley the win because I endured atrocious commentary in OPW and IWA-EC for my previous reviews, and gained a whole new and over the top appreciation for Bentley in general and him on commentary in particular. Oh well, guess he won fair and square then.

In the ring, there are two pools, and thanks to Rotten's speech, I rest assured that neither contains rubbing alcohol. If I recall correctly, they are filled with 'sea salt, glass, and whatever else'. There are also two styrofoam boards of some kind. Might be thumbtacks, toothpicks, or fishhooks (which would make the most sense for a sea theme). Either way, I'm cautiously hopeful for this match because the combined experience of 17 years is split between two here. In the first match, it was probably closer to a total of 8 years split between four.

So much for my hope.

Patricks pours out the contents of his pool and I'm reminded that Rotten said 'sea shells'. The match opens properly with actual wrestling and a struggle over the sea shell pile. Patricks goes into it first, and a close-up reveals that the white mystery boards seem to have shark teeth. Which Patricks, years beyond his boyish lightweight physique, takes to his bare ass after a Sunset Flip from Bentley. Patricks keeps his pants down for a long time which begins to veer into cringe territory for me because he just wanders around, far from sharp shit or other weapons. I'm feeling a little sorry for Bentley who has to put up with it and actually tries to wrestle.

Finally covered again, but still outside the ring, Patricks gains the upper hand after smashing a leftover light tube on Bentley's foot. Back in the ring, Patricks is still in charge and places Bentley on the top rope. Until Bentley tries to counter with a Pepsi Plunge, which is countered into a Death Valley Driver attempt, and it ends with Patricks putting a fish hook in Bentley's heel. Well, he tries. This just never works and the hook barely sticks. Unimpressed, Bentley suplexes Patricks into the pool for a two count.

Bentley empties the second pool, which contained rock salt, then a counter duel ensues and ends with Bentley getting chokeslammed onto the rocks. Patricks gets a chair and hits it over Bentley's back, then Patricks gets pinned after a Reed Awakening.

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Match 3 – Oh god, no, you can't be serious... - Marli Knox vs. JC Rotten

Marli Knox wears a red-black top to jeans shorts and fishnets. Not great – no sports wear. Not terrible either – colors are ok-ish, decent exposure.

JC Rotten wears a black shirt to white jeans and sneakers. Hopeless, just like his father, but at least there's some white. Since Knox has kneepads, I'm giving the world's weakest win to her.

There are boards, I think, and possibly light tubes. I'm not expecting miracles here. In fact, I'm expecting little more than the Chuey Martinez vs. MizzFett debacle from Carnage Cup 12 from this. Does JC Rotten really have to drag every girlfriend he gets in the ring?

Here we go. Knox smashes a bundle in Rotten's face to open the 'match', then sits on him and distributes the world's shittiest forearms. 500 more tube smashes, and they'll be even with Chuey. Knox 'spears' Rotten through a board by which I mean he lets himself fall backwards when she approaches, then acts like he just got hit by a truck. This is painful to watch. More shitty forearms. Rotten death valley drives Knox through a board. Jesus Christ, this is so awful. I'm skipping.

Oh god, no. Knox won. Is there no mercy in the world?

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Match 4 – Gusset Taipei - Zodiak vs. Casanova Valentine

Zodiak wears many a thing, for example a white sleeveless shirt or labcoat-like garment, a black singlet, long black pants, and a mask. I'm not sure if I can count his footwear as proper. It might be wrestling boots held together with white tape.

Casanova Valentine wears a black shirt and black jeans to black sneakers, proving that yes, it is possible to lose against Zodiak's random collection.

In the ring are barbed wire boards, but I think commentary mentioned they have gusset plates taped to their hands, too. ("They have weapons as hands.") In close-ups, I really can't tell. They have white gloves and bandages, and they act as if there are gussets on them, but I don't see any metal and despite Valentine's on-going efforts, Zodiak still isn't bleeding. Valentine 'carves' Zodiak's arms and back – the white shirt is gone - for several minutes and on all ringsides, yet nothing happens. Are they LARPing a taipei match? Is Zodiak a supernatural, bloodless creature?

This is bad. I mean, really bad. Finally, Valentine realizes that something else needs to happen. He leaves the ring to set up two chairs and put a barbed wire board on them while Zodiak aimlessly crawls around in the ring. It's Casanova who goes through the board in the end. Zodiak tries to throw the remains in the ring, but instead tangles his hair on the barbed wire and has to be freed by the ref.

I delve into wistful (and fully clothed) memories of Patricks vs. Bentley, the one relatively watchable match so far, as this tragedy continues. There's some blood now, but frankly, they could have accomplished that within 10 seconds with a light tube. Casanova goes for an armbar submission. Exactly what this match needed: less action. Oh boy. A good-looking German Suplex put Zodiak through the second board, but he/his mask is tangled up in barbed wire again, preventing a cover.

Something like an STO or Uranage from Valentine finally gets a three count and ends this drama. Thank fuck. That was awful.

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Match 5 - ??? - Neil Diamond Cutter vs. Herzog

I don't say this often, but man, am I glad to see Cutter. His outfit isn't great – tattered gray shorts and a vest that comes off, black singlet, proper boots – but his entrance lifts the mood. After the sluggish atrocity I just endured, it's just so refreshing to see someone move faster than a tree stump.

What the hell is Herzog wearing? Black shirt and green sweatpants with a zigzag pattern and leopard waistband? Why would anyone wear that in public?! Does he know this is being filmed?

Let that sink in.

I haven't seen his footwear, but I don't think it matters. Cutter lowered the singlet enough to count as shirtless, and Herzog threw him through a light tube bundle before the introductions. Herzog also removes his shirt, but since he rushed my decision by starting the match, I'll be petty and say Cutter wins despite having worse colors.

The match itself mostly consists of tube smashing for a good while. Cutter mixes it up with a light tube-enhanced senton, then it's back to smashing again. Herzog finds a saw and uses it for some carving. Unlike Zodiak and Valentine, these two have no trouble drawing blood, although it's mostly on Cutter.

Eventually, there are a few wrestling moves. A cannonball from Cutter, a chokeslam from Herzog. It doesn't make the match better, strictly speaking, but it does make it more entertaining. Maybe after the previous slog, I'm just grateful that something happens and don't care what exactly. Said something does get more exciting after Cutter kicked out at two following a sky high Sitout Powerbomb. Namely, Herzog finds a board with kitchen knives, adds a bunch of light tubes on it, while Cutter sits waiting on the top rope. Once Herzog approaches, Cutter cutters him down, follows up with a Frog Splash and gets a three count. Overall meh, but a really nice finishing sequence.

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Match 6 – (light tube something, maybe log cabin) Threeway – Bam Bam Bundy vs. Raven Black vs. Kody Rice

Bam Bam Bundy looks so little like a wrestler that I thought a random stage hand was scurrying past the camera, but no, this guy is actually in the match. Black shirt, black baseball hat, long dark-blue pants, street shoes. Nope. Hopeless. Next.

Raven Black is TPW's Raven Havok and put more effort into his look. Now we're finally talking again. Black vest, white shorts (that have seen better days, not sure if dirt/pattern or blood stains - either way, it looks good), proper footwear, and accessory-wise, this is strong with a mask/facepaint double whammy. Does he wear all black contacts, too? Hard to see with the relatively shitty lighting, but I think so. If he ditches the vest, I'll put him very firmly ahead of Cole Radrick for the accessory game alone. Yep, as soon as his feet hit the canvas, the vest disappears and I have a new, pretty strong frontrunner in Best Dressed.

The face of hope.

What is Kody Rice doing here? Black shirt, black trunks or singlet, proper footwear, decent sportswear, good exposure, terrible colors, Raven Havok remains the winner.

Is this a threeway? Yes, it is. You know my complaint. Why are the match types all over the place in round one? In kayfabe, why do some people get favorable treatment and better odds to advance? There's no reason given. I hate it.

Raven Havok is announced as such, even though the graphic called him Raven Black. He's also announced as the protege of G-Raver. Statements that aged like milk for 500, Alex. Kody Rice removes his shirt and reveals black suspenders. I'm moving him to runner-up position, ahead of Cole Radrick, for having a theme, far better exposure and 100 % wrestling attire. Radrick really didn't make much of all his white, so he's demoted to third place for the moment.

What do I expect from this match? Raven Havok has improved a lot on the showmanship front since I've seen him listlessly stab away with syringes in TPW, but there's one... let's call it an 'expectation issue'. Havok is as lightweight as can be, he's doing almost exclusively deathmatches, and he's so afraid of heights that he barely even goes on the top rope. That's not me ragging on him, that's me paraphrasing what he said in an interview. If I didn't know him, I'd expect some high flying action just from his looks and the way he carries himself. Knowing him, I still kinda hope for that because Bam Bam Bundy sure doesn't look like he'll provide anything in the way of excitement. Long story short, I expect Kody Rice to shine in this match.

Rules. One fall elimination, two advance.

Tests of strength kick things off. Raven Havok gets shoved off easily by both opponents, Bundy and Rice release, calling it even, while Havok sneaks up behind Bundy with a light tube. I'm positively surprised by an opening that offers some variety and a good skinny lightweight vs. big boi dynamic. Havok is disarmed by Bundy though, and gets the light tube over his head.

According to JC Rotten, on and off on commentary, Bundy is a local guy who stepped up as yet another replacement. Havok and Rice team up against him with light tubes. Bundy leaves the ring and gives his opponents time and space for some proper wrestling and creativity with light tubes. I still don't trust him to contribute much, but if he stays out of it, it could be a MOTN/Day 1 contender. A big light tube log cabin is lifted into the ring. Still no trace of Bundy. I'm getting more hopeful by the second. Havok goes through the log cabin and it looks spectacular. Unfortunately, both now leave the ring where they inevitably encounter Bam Bam Bundy again, along with another log cabin.

Rice takes one for the team and engages Bundy with a chair, light tubes, and headbutts. Havok returns to the ring, Rice wanders off to find a new light tube bundle. I think Bundy just stays wherever they park him. Havok intercepts Rice and his light tube bundle with a suicide dive. Color me positively surprised yet again. Could it be that the raven actually learned to fly while I wasn't looking?

He sure has a pretty bad cut on his hand after the dive and sends Bundy back to the ring where Rice keeps him busy with slow motion forearms and punches. Havok does return to the ring shortly after though, and takes over from Bundy's standing-around-efforts with actual movement. The ref doesn't seem to like it and keeps checking his hand. Meanwhile, Bundy gets an STO from Rice through light tubes, then Havok follows up with a top rope double stomp after which Rice gets a three count over Bundy.

Good match, really. I don't think anything about it would have been different without Bundy, but that also means he didn't get in the way.

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Match 7 - FBTW - Eric Wayne vs. Aeroboy

Eric Wayne wears a black hoodie and, hopefully, trunks. Today, that is not a given. Ah, yes, there they are. Black and blue, but paired with proper footwear, and if the hoodie disappears, we're looking at great exposure here.

Aeroboy wears a shiny purple and yellow mask, white shirt, long black pants, proper footwear. This is easily the most interesting fashion duel yet. Wayne ditched the hoodie, so he's at 100 % wrestling attire and the best possible exposure this side of Dale Patricks. This spells defeat for Aeroboy, and puts Wayne in the pole position for now, ahead of Havok and Rice, but I'm not counting them out yet.

Things start off with proper wrestling and I already suspect this match will also be in the running for the MOTN of Day 1. For a FBTW, the weaponry seems rather sparse. Other than a few light tubes and chairs, not much is on offer, but so far, that has been a blessing.

The action moves to the outside and slows down somewhat, and Wayne – whose entire deathmatch experience consists of a single match at the 2018 IWA-MS POTDM and a handful of No DQ/Street Fight type matches – introduces light tubes now. Admittedly, I was little puzzled to see him on the card and figured he was just another replacement/fodder, but he seems comfortable with the weapons, even bites a light tube, and goes through the leftover light tube log cabin on the outside after a counter from Aeroboy. A replacement he might be, but I wouldn't call him 'fodder'. This match has good balance and pacing, good wrestling, and they are making the most of the leftover weapons they have.

A fork and a Thor hammer with gussets come into play, and Wayne displays a quite respectable crimson mask halfway through. After he was in control for quite a while, Aeroboy turns the tide with a gusset-chair attack and a crutch, but Wayne gets the advantage back with a title belt shot, then helps Aeroboy improve his outfit by tearing his shirt off and choking him with it. This may just be my faceblindness talking, but from some angles Wayne reminds me of Remington Rhor.

A back suplex against the turnbuckle yields a first two count for Aeroboy, then a Codebreaker followed by a Death Valley Driver gets the same for Wayne. He tries again after a Piledriver, gets another two count, then sets up chairs, one with gussets. Before anything comes of it, Aeroboy interrupts, but gets cut off with another Piledriver.

Since there are no boards or doors, Wayne adds light tubes to his construction, then takes Aeroboy to the corner and the top rope. Aeroboy fights back with headbutts, then headscissors Wayne through the tubes to get a close two count.

A Swanton Bomb finally gets Aeroboy the three count, and Wayne complains, saying he had his leg on the rope. Apparently, the ref relented and the match continues with a furious sequence from Aeroboy. After a Destroyer, he gets a three count for the second time. Aeroboy's celebration ends with a hug and a handshake, and him putting Wayne over. Deservedly so, because I really didn't see a deathmatch performance like that coming from him.

Easily the best match so far, and seeing the second round come together, I'm actually looking forward to Day 2.

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Match 8 – Four Seasons - Markus Crane vs. Jeff King

Oh boy. After a strong fashion showing, I guess it's time to fish ratings out of the gutter again. Markus Crane wears everything the nearest homeless shelter discarded. Not a shred of wrestling attire, but I guess his accesorization is strong. Hat, mask, riot shield (counting as accessory because it's not a consumable and a trademark, albeit not really a weapon), Christmas-themed light tube bundle.

Jeff King, as usual, is dressed like a wrestler. It really is as simple as that. Black singlet, proper footwear, and he's armed with a chair (not an accessory). Easy victory for King who typically beats 90 % of any given card at 'looking like a pro wrestler'.

Commentary helpfully explains the stipulation. Pool noodles for summer, pumpkins for fall... What about spring and winter? Come on, don't leave me hanging!

King opens the match by throwing a pumpkin at Crane and seizing his shield. Crane returns the favor and impressively manages to shatter the second pumpkin on King's knee, then another on his back. Light tube smashing follows – maybe the shards represent the snow for winter? - and all the crap Crane wears starts getting in the way.

Is Markus Crane the snowman/only representation of winter? I lost track of his various nicknames. Anyway. He takes a toothpick pool noodle to King's head, then gets light tubes smashed on him, and the action moves to the outside. Commentary corrects; the pool noodles have porcupine quills, not toothpicks. Crane steals a mask from a fan and puts it on. That man really loves his accessories.

A ladder briefly gets involved; King slams Crane onto it, then he moves a pool into the ring. That better not be goddamn rubbing alcohol! Commentary informs me it's 2 gallons of vodka. I'm torn. It's a pool, it's alcohol, but technically it's not meant for rubbing. Has my old nemesis found a clever disguise to fool me?! Not with me, pool of rubbing alcohol! I'm not falling for your disinfected tricks!

FUCK YOU, YOU TREACHEROUS CIRCLE OF PLASTIC!

Crane attacks with the ladder, then it's back to the ring for a first two count. A chair gets set up and King placed on it, but when Crane approaches with an armful of light tubes, the tides turn against him after a chair throw.

King gets an especially sturdy pumpkin and piledrives Crane onto it, providing one of the rare wrestling moves in this chaos. The pumpkin still won't break when King puts it on Crane and a chair and leg drops onto it from the top rope. Crane suplexes King into the pool, then through his red light tubes, and gets a three count.

Well, that's not ideal for my round 2 hopes, but I guess where there is light, there must also be shadow.

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Match 9 – House of Horrors – John Wayne Murdoch vs. Matt Tremont

Murdoch wears a black shirt to tan shorts and left his crown backstage which is disappointing. Tremont wears all black to a red bandana, but it's not that easy. These are long pants, usually inferior to shorts, but they do count as sportswear. Both have proper footwear; Tremont has a weapon in the form of a BBQ fork. Both outfits aren't great. Color and exposure slightly favors Murdoch, Tremont – who also has a black singlet under his shirt – is ahead in regards to sportswear. Murdoch could score higher later, if he gets rid of the shirt and acquires enough battle damage, but for now, I'm calling this a draw.

The match opens with almost immediate light tube smashing which isn't unexpected, given the stipulation. The advantage goes back and forth, and the action moves to the outside early on. Other weapons turn up; Murdoch finds a rake, then it's back to light tube carving. Tremont goes face-first into a bundle of light tubes on the ring post, and Murdoch also adds one of the porcupine quill pool noodles to the arsenal, to his own disadvantage. Apparently, he really liked the earlier stipulation better because he also smashes the leftover pumpkin on Tremont.

Murdoch, already with one of the better crimson masks of the day, calls for doors. He gets one, but before he tries to attack, he also eyes the ladder. Tremont wards off the door and hits Murdoch with it, then stabs him with the BBQ fork before more door shots.

Back in the ring, Tremont is still firmly in charge and challenges Murdoch to a light tube duel. They clear out the hanging tubes between punches, then Tremont almost ends up in a Koji Clutch, but manages to wriggles out before Murdoch can lock it in. Tremont floors Murdoch with a lariat, then a kneeling slugfest ensues and evolves into a headbutt duel. It ends with both floored again.

Back on their feet, Tremont gains the upper hand and gets a first two count after a Death Valley Driver. While trying to climb the top rope, Tremont gets intercepted by a light tube bundle and a Brainbuster, but Murdoch also only gets a two count. A Samoan Drop from Tremont almost turns the tide, but Murdoch gets him into a Koji Clutch this time and succeeds in getting a submission.

JC Rotten joins them in the ring and starts talking. He still has no microphone and is hard to understand due to background noise, but I believe he declares friendship. He states that Tremont and Murdoch are the best deathmatch wrestlers in the world, and frankly, I don't think that's up for debate even 6 years later. Tremont puts JC Rotten over because he's Tremont, and with that, Day 1 comes to its conclusion.

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~ 1 week later ~

I return to this review after a break to fit WLW Death Wish Cup in my schedule. It's quite possible I forgot things that will be relevant later.

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DAY 2

'The Dream Killer' Eric Wayne enters. Or exits. Depends how you look at it. It's an outdoors show and he comes out of the building. As the camera blurs, he seems to gesture for his music to be cut. I expected him to get a microphone and talk, but no, Herzog's music plays and I think it's a match. Man, sound is awful. Someone employed the tin can filter again.

Another entrance/tin can symphony. 'The Hybrid Monster' Zodiak. Ouch, sound is now outright painful. Holy hell. This is torture. The following announcement is then way too quiet, but I gather that this is set for one fall.

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Last Chance? Loser’s Bracket? – Eric Wayne vs. 'Giant Hairy Viking' Herzog vs. Zodiak

Eric Wayne, who fled the ring due to the tin can onslaught, wears a black hoodie to black-blue trunks and proper footwear. Herzog still wears the zig-zag sweatpants and a black shirt. Zodiak has a black singlet, black pants, tan shirt, and his mask. If Wayne is actually in this match, he won with decent wrestling attire ratio and exposure, but I'm not sure he's still in it. He hasn't returned to the ring yet and wanders around somewhere in the darkness.

Eric Wayne does what he can to make his opponents look better by completely refraining from movement.

Cole Radrick is on commentary with JC Rotten. Radrick explains that this is a second chance match 'between the people able to continue' which is a nice way of saying 'people who don't have anywhere else to be'. Probably also a hint that someone dropped out, left to be elsewhere, or otherwise can't be bothered, and they need another body to fill the second round brackets.

Wayne is still in the match, somehow. During an uninspired outside brawl, Zodiak and Herzog encounter him on the outside. Herzog proceeds to attack the referee, I believe. Can't say I'm paying too much attention because this is really, really just not good. Due to the second chance nature, it's part of the tournament, but I frankly can't be assed to watch this.

Skipping ahead, the ref declares Eric Wayne, still in the hoodie, the winner. I think he stole the pinfall from Zodiak. Cole Radrick on commentary is listlessly outraged about that.

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Today is the day of emphasizing poorly chosen nicknames. Everyone gets a graphic with one. This is how I know the shaky camera deliberately points in the general direction of the entrance. 'The Devil's Big Red Dick' Markus Crane is displayed as he stumbles through the cloud of a fog machine. I believe Herzog is on commentary now, debating whether it's 'abominable' or 'abdominal' snowman with Radrick.

Round 2, probably

Match 1 – Toy Story - Markus Crane vs. Eric Wayne

As usual, Crane wears random rags he found in a dumpster... Wait, why...? He's facing Eric Wayne who never left the ring, but finally removes his black hoodie, in a second round match. That makes things really easy. Wayne wins with the world's largest margin; excellent exposure, 100 % wrestling attire, so-so colors.

There is something that looks like a barbed wire porch swing on the outside. Commentary talks over the announcement. Something colorful is poured out in the ring. The sum of this makes me believe it's called Toy Story Deathmatch, and it's absolutely painful to watch thanks to Crane's uncoordinated involvement. My respect for what Wayne is willing to put up with is exponentionally growing as this mess continues. In my mind, I escape to merrier times, such as the first round match between Wayne and Aeroboy. Commentary is yawning. Wayne takes everything. There are light tubes. This match is just tragic. Crane shoves Wayne into the barbed wire swing thing and it's finally over.

This match is like one of those really weird dreams where everything feels symbolic, but you can't figure out what it means. Just worse.

Poor Eric Wayne. He didn't deserve this, nor do viewers deserve to be punished with another Markus Crane match, but that's where we're at. It takes an uncomfortably long time to cut Wayne out of the barbed wire after that impressively underwhelming, bumbling finish.

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Match 2 – Something something Jungle - Marli Knox vs. Reed Bentley

Oh lord almighty. I had forgotten about JC's girlfriend. Marli Knox wears black things for decent exposure, but I'm still not sure I should really count someone with exactly two matches under their belt as a wrestler. Reed Bentley finds his way through the fog machine's exhaust in a black shirt, jeans shorts, proper boots, gray beanie. This is hopeless, in so many ways, but if I absolutely had to pick, I'd say Bentley looks more like a wrestler on account of keeping his ass covered, a metric I find especially meaningful in this case.

During my screenshot skim, I catch an announcement that 'the only way to win is to push your opponent through the barbed wire thing'. Translation: One out of these two hasn't learned any moves yet, and I assure you it isn't Reed Bentley.

Jesus Christ, this is terrible. Bentley must have offended JC Rotten somehow. First compulsive streaking from Dale Patricks in round 1 and now this. He valiantly tries to wrestle. I'm sure Knox also thinks that's what she's doing. Light tubes get smashed. Bentley tries a cover, Knox doesn't even try to kick out, but somehow that doesn't end this disaster. Instead, the """"action"""" moves to the outside.

On commentary, JC Rotten repeatedly mutters 'Jesus', presumably in an attempt to put his squeeze over. Or because he has second thoughts about going too far with his cruel and unusual punishment.

My god, I feel so sorry for Bentley. What grave offense did he commit that Rotten resorted to such barbarism? Did he ask for gas money or something?

In the saddest scene of the event, Knox shoves Bentley from the apron (read: he's pulling her toward him because that's how shoulderblocks work in this reality) through what looked like a trash pile, but was actually meant to be the stipulation's main attraction.

Call 555-JUST1C3-4-R33D and help avert another such crisis in the next round.

This match, and I hesitate to call it that, is the reason the term 'second hand embarrassment' was invented. By god, Knox advances. She must be one hell of a lay, or Rotten must be really desperate. This lived up to the name 'Trainwreck', but completely missed the 'Pro Wrestling' part.

Seriously, why in the world would anyone do this? If you want a woman in the tournament, why don't you book one that can wrestle? Or has at least more than a single match worth of experience before putting her through to the semi-finals of a tournament. If I recall correctly, Amazing Maria, Rebecca Payne, or both competed for PWT in Southern Sickness vs. KOTDM. Why couldn't it be either of them? And why would you agree to be booked like this as the greenest possible rookie? Nobody (other than JC Rotten, obviously) could possibly believe that this makes a great first impression. Here's the ultimate burn: Even Ian Rotten had more common sense than his son. He put the bloody beginners in a dedicated rookie tournament, not the third round of KOTDM.

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Match 3 - ??? - John Wayne Murdoch vs. Neil Diamond Cutter

Murdoch wears a black shirt, tan shorts, proper boots. Cutter wears black shorts, denim vest, black singlet, proper boots. Not great, but seeing how this day his going, I'm just relieved that this match involves two actual wrestlers. Cutter pulls the singlet down for better exposure, Murdoch's shorts score much better on color. I think it's a tie.

It was the first time somebody actually ordered the self-assembly pillow fort 'Hövveknüdde' from IKEA Online.

This match has... Seriously? Their 'contraption' is just a frame on the ground with two dented chairs standing next to it? Oh. There's also a barbed wire board and some light tube bundles.

I don't think there's commentary anymore. Nobody is talking. Oh, there's a voice. Rotten. Claiming this show has all sorts of crazy weapons. Meanwhile, Murdoch and Cutter opened with light tube smashes and a chain sequence that ended outside the ring. Now they are near the laughable frame, then Murdoch, likely embarrassed by it, wanders away and employs light tubes.

Oh great, he found a weed whacker, too. Everyone immediately panics and shouts for him to 'watch the light', fearing to lose the show's only light source. Excellent planning all around here. Cutter disarms Murdoch and the panic grows as they are now even closer to the one stupid lamp.

Murdoch whacks Cutter near the ring, then Cutter gets the weed whacker back and repays him. I'm not sure the thing is still running. Or ever was. They return to the ring, Murdoch gets a two count after a bulldog in the general direction of a light tube. More get smashed, the advantage goes back and forth, the vibe of this match is 'if nobody else can be assed to wrestle, why should we'.

JC Rotten calls Murdoch's finisher a 'Canadian Destroyer'. Cutter kicks out of it in solidarity and protest. He stacks tubes on Murdoch, goes to the top rope, hits a good-looking splash, gets a two count. What was this, JC? A Toad Splash? Cutter places a tube bundle... somewhere else. On the barbed wire board. Then takes Murdoch to the top rope where he's met with headbutts. This time, his finisher is a Deep South Destroyer and gets a three count. Names have power, not only in fantasy novels.

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Match 4 - ??? - 'The Exotic Weapon' Casanova Valentine vs. 'The Exotic Weapon' Akira

Casanova Valentine wears a very unexotic outfit: black shirt and black jeans. Akira still wears his suit from the previous day, meaning terrible sportswear ratio and color, but his exposure his better due to being shirtless once the blazer comes off. Based on the graphics, I assume they are fighting over the nickname.

The contraption of this match is slightly less sad than the previous one. A board with light tubes carefully balances between the two dented chairs now, and there are some cinderblocks in the ring. Didn't I have some hope for this round? Why is everything so disappointing and awful?

I'm not sure if there's still someone on commentary. Nobody makes their presence known when the match begins with an exchange of punches. Oh. There is someone. Eric Wayne joins JC Rotten. This might not be so bad. Akira dropkicks Casanova in a corner, then puts light tubes on him, but gets them over the head. Casanova smashes some more on Akira, hanging on the top rope, then goes up for a superplex while Rotten muses that he'll make Akira sweep the parking lot later.

More tube smashing, some carving. More smashing. A splash from Valentine onto tubes and Akira, then an STO. The relative action moves to the outside and to the 'dry wall with tubes'. Akira goes through it. Somehow, dry wall is even sadder than doors. And they have another. Akira still takes a beating, until he armdrags Casanova through it, then double stomps him for a two count. JC Rotten talks up the dry wall.

Back in the ring, Valentine sets up a mirror, apparently a leftover from day 1, then spears Akira through it for a two count. Akira gets a two count after a Meteora through a tube bundle. Why oh why was it only a two? Another mirror turns up. Those mirrors don't shatter and look very... bendy. Akira Death Valley Drives Valentine through it, but there's no cover. Now both are on their knees and kick off a slugfest, then something commentary claims was a cutter from Valentine for another two count. Someone joins commentary. 'The Office', but whoever that is apparently has no mic.

"Ackshually, dry wall is THE worst of all. It's used to build houses!"

I have no idea what Valentine and Akira are trying to do, but it's not really working. Somehow, Akira gets a three count anyway. I'm just glad this is over.

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Match 5 – Double Dare - 'The Husky Heart Throb' Kody Rice vs. 'He Who Was Spared From A Nickname' Raven Havok

Rice, a glimpse of hope in this mess, wears a black shirt to black-yellow trunks and proper footwear. Oh god. Pools. There better be no rubbing alcohol in those fuckers! Despite Rice's good exposure, I'm leaning toward giving the victory to Raven Havok. He made excellent use of his white pants/hand wound, is accessorized with mask and facepaint, and his exposure is about even since Rice won't remove the shirt. Proper footwear and matching belt, too. Yeah, I'm definitely going with Havok. That's the best look I've seen all day. Rice removes his shirt. Hm. Really good exposure, but still not great colors. I'm sticking with Havok.

MY GOD! 'Light tubes over a pool of alcohol'! My old enemy has risen yet again! I don't mind the lemon juice pool with gussets at all though, and frankly, I'm glad to see something other than as a sad dry wall with 4 tubes as the stipulation.

Never before have I felt such rage at the sight of a piece of blue plastic! 🤬😡 🤮

According to commentary, Havok got some bad cut on day and wants to end this quickly. The match moves to the outside and commentary makes excuses why the tubes won't break. A struggle over the lemon juice and gusset plate pool begins. Rice ends up pushing Havok above it, then hammers gussets into his back and Havok flees toward the third pool. Hot sauce with barbed wire. It looks more distgusting than painful, but it's still more dignified than the goddamn... THERE IT IS! My sworn enemy! The goddamn light tubes and rubbing alcohol pool! The struggle continues on the apron above it, then Rice wanders off to grab a chair. He puts Havok on it, but Havok gets up and manages to drag Rice down and through the tubes, somehow.

Back in the ring, Rice kicks out of a cover. Havok stomps a light tube on his hand. Rice disarms him when Havok approaches with another tube, then gets a bundle from the corner and slams Havok through it. Havok kicks out, then nothing much happens until Rice adds a ladder to the ring. Nothing comes of that either. Havok returns to tubes. Well, tries to. He asks for a bundle, but there aren't any left. Finally somebody brings one to the ring. By now, Rice got up and picked Havok off the top rope for a slam and a three count. Not great, far from it, but slightly more coherent than the mess before.

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Match 6 - ??? - Aeroboy vs. Cole Radrick

Aeroboy is the most beautiful sight I ever beheld, an angelic creature of pure light and goodness on a mission to reignite hope in these dark days. Black shirt and pants, orange-white mask, I don't care. He wins. Not just this duel, whoever his opponent may be, but the entire contest because I'm that exhausted by now. Oh. His opponent is Cole Radrick in all white. Well, I'll make it a draw then. The mask really does some heavy lifting.

The stipulation has 3 light tube bundles and 2 flat screens. There's a nice lucha opening. Not perfectly timed on Radrick's part, but this certainly looks far more promising than anything else I've seen today.

Then commentary – JC Rotten – has the audacity to say that 'being in this tournament means you made it'. Holy shit. The delusion. These poor men are wrestling in semi-darkness on a random parking lot in front of 50 people to advance in a tournament that already saw Marli Knox move on to round 3, and had 12 out of 8 announced entrants cancel. (Yes, there'll be a third round, and that would be bad enough without Marli Knox in it.) This is not ToD, this is not KOTDM, this is not Carnage Cup, this is not ToS, this is not 'having made it'. This is sadness.

Aeroboy sets up the flat screen, but is thrown out of the ring shortly after. He throws a light tube at Radrick, then comes back in and continues to carve him in a corner. Now Radrick is thrown outside and they engage in a chop and kick duel over the outside flat screen.

JC Rotten notes that he's making a razor blade board at the commentary table which will surely improve his attention to what's actually going on.

Aeroboy sets up the flat screen elsewhere. Or moves it out of the way. I'm not sure. Radrick slams Aeroboy onto the apron, then follows up with headbutts. Back in the ring, Aeroboy is back in charge and Radrick eats a few more light tubes. The tides turn and Radrick flips onto Aeroboy through light tubes. For some reason, it cuts to the hardcam for that and the ref blocks half of the action. Aeroboy floors Radrick with a lariat, follows up with a legdrop and a cutter, and now it's back to the other cam which is a lot shakier and more confused than before.

A springboard DDT puts Radrick in charge again. He sets up a chair, then another, and builds a pillow fort with the flat screen. JC Rotten wants you to know that 'TVs are fucking expensive, it's a really expensive match'. I want to add: What kind of super idiot is Rotten? If you want TVs and can't afford them, make it a FBTW and hope somebody brings one. Or buy old/already broken ones and wipe them down to look shiny. Why in the world would you waste money on new TVs for a match? No wonder Aeroboy moved one away. Rotten probably threatened to send him a bill if he and Radrick break both.

Aeroboy slams Radrick onto the TV, then places him onto it and goes to the top rope. Radrick evades the swanton, but Aeroboy also gets right up and gets a two count after a Tiger Driver. Now Radrick stacks tube bundles on Aeroboy and... oh boy. He gets a three count after a senton.

Easily the best match of day 2 so far. Not by miles, but by lightyears. I can't say 'the better man won' because Aeroboy was very clearly the conductor of this concert, but I see his loss as a blessing in disguise. It's better to go out with dignity after a good match against Radrick than job for Rotten's inept girlfriend in the semi-finals. Speaking of which...

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SEMI-FINALS

Match 1 – Whatever this is, it is hell – Marli Knox vs. John Wayne Murdoch

Knox, still in some black lingerie-like set, still not a scratch on her... Oh god. Oh god, no. Her opponent is Murdoch. Rotten can't do that. There has to be a limit to his madness. Murdoch wears actual clothes. Nothing in the way of wrestling attire, but does it really look like I still care at this point? Tan shorts, battle damage, fine by me. I'll just put my final ranking here. Raven Havok is Best Dressed today, case closed.

Murdoch has two pool noodles with him. Maybe something inside him has also given up already. The noodles have toothpicks, in the ring is a tripod, and outside is a large board, possibly the one Rotten was so proud of earlier because there's something on it.

Yes, Eric Wayne, this match is indeed something nobody thought would happen. For good reason. This is the fourth – and final – match of Knox' entire career which in itself is evidently a fickle concept that exists only due to JC Rotten's raging hormones.

I enter a meditative state in which Murdoch fights himself. Now that is something I'd get behind any day! Or Murdoch vs. Jerry Nelms. A duel of the ginger princes, winner gets his shot at trying to usurp Shane Mercer. Why is JC Rotten sputtering nonsense over my fantasy booking? I need more to blend this out. Fourway, Murdoch vs. Nelms vs. Mercer vs. Claxton. Matches that will never happen for 500, Alex, but I can dream, I must dream, I must soothe the psychic damage my brain suffers. JC Rotten is at ringside to cheerlead for Knox while Murdoch gets all the porcupine quills (not toothpicks) from his pool noodles stuck in his back.

THERE IS A GOD. Murdoch gets a three count. JC Rotten joins his squeeze in the ring and aggressively tries to put her over, ordering fans to shout 'Please come back'. This is the most embarrassing thing I have ever seen, and Eric Wayne on commentary adds insult to injury by saying 'Knox earned her spot in next year's Southern Sickness'. NO. God, you who just revealed itself, do not forsake us!

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Match 2 – It can only get better (BBQ things, hot coals, stuff) – Cole Radrick vs. Kody Rice

Although I already made my rankings, I need to add a special mention to honor Rice. He now wears red trunks to his suspenders, with matching boots and bow tie. That's the third outfit – all of which rank highly – within 2 days, in a tournament where half the first round roster showed up in sweatpants. Actually, I think I'll change my verdict and give the trophy to Rice. Sorry, Raven Havok.

Porch BBQ set Malmø, SEK 5.99

The match, which I'm quite hopeful for, opens with a light tube duel, then both go for skewers. Radrick succeeds first, but Rice gets some, too. Out of the ring they go. There's a board with hot coals – not even a pit, literally just a board – but for the moment, they keep a distance.

Rice instead introduces a decidedly not BBQ-themed gusset, then gets it in his arms, and Radrick eyes the coal pile. For now, Rice gets kicks, then he sends Radrick running through the coals. On his way to do it again, Rice gets intercepted with a light tube, then Radrick dives onto him from the ring.

Back inside, he smashes more tubes on Rice who then returns the favor. After several bundle throws, Radrick gets a first two count. So far, this match isn't great, but it could easily be worse. After a Rikishi Driver, Kody Rice gets a three count.

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Match 3 – Oh god, I totally forgot that over the Knox disaster – Markus Crane vs. Akira

Markus Crane still looks like he robbed a homeless shelter, Akira as if he woke up like this in a stranger's bed after a house party. The latter would win this duel if it still mattered for my rankings.

Someone new is on commentary unless Eric Wayne turned into a woman. There are light tubes and... Not sure, leftovers. Crane wisely relies on his riot shield, and if commentary is to be believed, Akira on his cane. In reality, Crane has the cane. Now Murdoch is on commentary and the camera is shaky. Hilariously, JC Rotten claims to ask Murdoch a question about Akira, then keeps talking for several minutes before letting him answer. Again, Rotten claims his tournament has 'magnitude and such size'.

Crane carves Akira's head with a knife. It's not always easy to tell what's happning because it cuts back and forth between the distant hard cam and the shaky camera guy. Crane finds a board of some kind. Maybe this is the razor board? Akira goes through it with a double underhook suplex. He's as green as he was the day before, but surprisingly this match is – from what's visible – a lot better than the previous performances. Even for a rookie, it's quite possible to look competent next to Crane.

Behold, the razor board JC is so proud of.

There's some back and forth, someone spits on the ref who can't count after Akira's back suplex. Not sure how the ref got knocked out by spitting, but whatever. When Akira rolls Crane up, there's a three count. Fine by me because that puts Akira into the final alongside his mentor Murdoch and the generally quite competent Kody Rice. This really has promise.

Markus Crane obtains a microphone and keeps rambling and raving. I assume he's pissed about his loss or something. He returns to the ring and gifts Akira two BBQ forks. Ok then.

---

Time lapse of the ring getting prepared for the final. Unfortunately, this involves 400+ light tubes, some of them extra-long, and those are used for the fencing. Limited visibly ahead!

6 hours later.

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FINAL

Welcome to the Glass Jungle 400+ Light Tubes

Akira vs. John Wayne Murdoch vs. Kody Rice

Murdoch materializes from a cloud of smoke, then dematerializes by disappearing behind the light tubes. Akira is spared from the smoke, Kody Rice – in yet another outfit with blue trunks – isn't. I think I made the right choice by declaring him the overall winner. Two falls to a finish? Did I understand that correctly?

Murdoch and Akira team up against Rice. JC Rotten, still with a fetishistic obsession regarding the number of light tubes, now claims there are AT LEAST 800. They also don't break and JC makes up excuses, claiming they don't break because they are new. I call bullshit because I've seen hundreds of fresh boxes being opened and used during deathmatches, and breaking just fine.

At least they break enough tubes to clear the ringsides. Problem is, it's dark, there's just one side with flood lights, and whenever they are elsewhere, they turn into black outlines. The match is now also outside the ring, and the alliance between Akira and Murdoch has ended.

A good amount of the '800+ tubes' is just on the floor, and everyone seems determined to break as many as possible at once, jumping into the pile, throwing bundles. Maybe that's the terrible crime Reed Bentley committed: not breaking enough tubes at a previous show, and being made an example with godawful booking today. Murdoch, Rice, and Akira are not fighting for a trophy. They are fighting for their life, their dignity, for merciful bookings. This theory is reinforced by Murdoch being especially determined to smash bundles. He's just seen his partner publicly executed and barely escaped the same fate himself.

Is there anything other than excessive smashing in this match? Perhaps... No. Murdoch now resorts to breaking tubes on himself. He and Rice are in the ring. I don't see Akira. Might be outside, stomping leftover tubes, lest JC finds an intact one later. There's Akira, and there's a wrestling move, a double superplex, then all three are down. And stay there for a good while. Headbutts. Threeway slugfest, kind of.

"We do what we must to satisfy the whims of the rotten tyrant."

Akira produces another wrestling move against Murdoch with a tornado DDT. Rice kicks him out of the ring, signaling that there are tubes left to smash, while Murdoch appears to get taped up on the other ringside.

He returns and now it's a proper slugfest with Rice, then right back to tube smashing and... a Sitout Piledriver from Rice eliminates Murdoch. Rice is announced to be the winner. I thought this was elimination? Whatever.

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FINAL THOUGHTS

I feel bad for everyone involved in the finals because I know all three can do a lot better. Akira was really green and it showed, but inexperience was likely the lesser problem compared to the needlessly excessive number of tubes. It really felt like Rotten – who kept pointing out on commentary just how many tubes in total this tournament had (2000+) - just wanted to set some kind of record with zero regard for the quality of the matches. This final is the definition of a smashfest. You can count the wrestling moves on one hand, visibility is awful – tubes, spooky dust, terrible light, overwhelmed and/or inept camera man. Putting three of the most capable entrants through to this was just a waste. You could have had the exact same match with delusional JC Rotten, Marli Knox, and Zodiak or Bam Bam Bundy.

Putting Marli Knox through to the semi finals in itself is a joke. This woman had one single match prior to this tournament - not one deathmatch, one match in general - and was in no way ready to go beyond the first round. Or even be in this. I understand that no shows and cancellations can result in less ideal cards and pairings, but it would have been wiser to just go with smaller brackets or cut a round.

Bam Bam Bundy, an obvious last minute replacement, at least knew how to stay in his lane and not hinder his opponents. Eric Wayne surprised with a more than solid performance against Aeroboy, then did well enough on commentary later. Herzog and Zodiak were just pretty bad, Markus Crane sloppy as usual, but generally speaking, the card looks a lot more promising than the mess this turned out to be. Rotten's commentary, completely detached from reality, didn't help either. That the first round had mainly singles matches, but also randomly a three way and a four way elimination is the least of the problems, but still serves to illustrate that the card could have been rearranged with the people that showed up.

Do I even have a MOTN on day 2? I'm not sure yet. For day 1, it's Aeroboy vs. Eric Wayne, followed by Rice vs. Havok vs. Bam Bam Bundy and Tremont vs. Murdoch. For day 2, it's probably between Aeroboy vs. Radrick and Murdoch vs. Cutter. Neither was better than the day 1 picks. Best Dressed on day 1 was Eric Wayne, runner-up Raven Havok, on day 2 it was Kody Rice who is also the overall winner, runner-up again Raven Havok. MVP was Eric Wayne on day 1 for having the best match and adding some sanity to commentary. On day 2, it was Kody Rice with the highest total of matches, all of which were at least above average. That doesn't say much when the bar is this low, but it counts for something. Overall, I'd also say Rice was the tournament's MVP for the same reasons.

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