IWA-East Coast Masters of Pain 2015

Josh Crane's Transformation into Orbital Adventure Ant

It is May 2015, we're in Charleston, West Virginia, and I have reached the final 2015 show on my list. It's a surprisingly short one with a run-time of only 1 hour 38 minutes which might be a blessing because the card doesn't exactly excite me. But let's see what the show has to offer. Maybe it will surprise me with a hidden gem.

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ROUND 1

Match 1 – House of Horrors – Mad Man Pondo vs. Matt Tremont vs. Ron Mathis

Match 2 – Garden of Eden – Josh Crane vs. Elkview Adam

Match 3 – Human Pin Cushion – Sid Fabulous vs. Nick Gage

Match 4 – FBTW – Viper vs. Smokey C

ROUND 2

Crazy Mary Dobson's Open Challenge

FINAL

Final Thoughts

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ROUND 1

Match 1 – House of Horrors – Mad Man Pondo vs. Matt Tremont vs. Ron Mathis

Pondo wears all black with some red. A jersey that almost counts as a longsleeve, shorts, proper boots, and he has brought his two trademark weapons, the sawblade stick and his stop sign. I'll allow both as accessories, but it really doesn't matter. This is terrible – bad colors, bad exposure, bad wrestling/sportswear.

Tremont also wears all black - shirt, shorts, boots - but at least he's slightly less covered and has a white bandana. He also has a weapon, a knife or some other small carving device; nothing exciting.

For the first time in my review series, Ron Mathis makes the best impression by entering shirtless and with a barbed wire baseball bat. This gives him the best exposure and a respectable weapon. In the end, it's still Ron Mathis though, meaning: tattered jeans shorts. Proper boots and a matching belt seal his victory in this fashion disaster if I absolutely must pick. Which I don't, now that I think about it, but whatever.

This is a cage match. There are no lighttubes, fenced or hanging, that belong in a House of Horrors. Maybe Cagematch is lying again. Commentary informs me there are elimination rules. I still need to complain about a threeway in a tournament that otherwise consists of singles matches.

With that out of the way, the match starts with Pondo distributing weapons. He gives Tremont a fork and arms himself with his sawblade stick. Mathis still has the baseball bat which I consider the best out of these three weapons.

For the opening, Mathis takes a beating, but there's no implied or official alliance between Pondo and Tremont. They take turns, then Mathis ends up in a leglock from Tremont and Pondo chimes in with his stop sign. Not sure what that is supposed to do. Mathis is on the mat face down, and to my knowledge, you can't choke somebody on the back of his shoulders. Which is what Pondo is doing.

The teamwork continues; Pondo and Tremont catapult Mathis against the cage. While he's down, they decide to fight each other. Pondo introduces a staple gun to Tremont's head, then it's back to the already bloodied Ron Mathis. Somehow, it's all pretty slow and moves are spaced out, until Mathis wakes up and attacks with his baseball bat. It still seems very orderly, with one of the three waiting his turn at any given time.

Tremont spinebusters Mathis onto his bat, then retreats to let Pondo take his turn with the same weapon. Mathis provides quite a few wrestling moves. The problem is that everything is so disconnected. This match has little to no flow. Lots of standing around, idling in corners, various moves and attacks strung together only by the fact that they happen one after another, no transitions.

At some point, when Mathis and Pondo are down, Tremont climbs the top rope, splashes Pondo, and eliminates him.

Mathis floors Tremont with a tornado DDT, but only gets a two count. He smashes Tremont against the cage, then dawdles about before shoving him to a corner. Some kicks and punches, then Tremont ends up on the top rope, this time not by his own choice, and after wandering around for a while, Mathis deigns to try something – but gets a Sitout Powerbomb onto the stop sign. He kicks out, slips out of Tremont's attempt to powerbomb him again, then gets a three count out of a Schoolboy.

Oh boy. That was bad.

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Match 2 – Garden of Eden – Josh Crane vs. Elkview Adam

Josh Crane, wearing red-white shorts, a black singlet, and proper footwear, might well be the one saving fashion grace of this show. He's already a rare glimpse of hope on this card in general, more so because Tremont just got eliminated by Mr. Tatters. Crane is armed with two thumbtack baseball bats, thankfully, because the garden of Eden seems to consist of nothing but a pit of thumbtacks.

Elkview Adam continues the trend of wearing black, but although he stands no chance against Crane, I rate his outfit higher than the two all-blacks in the first match due to better exposure, a higher amount of sportswear, and even a slight splash of color.

Crane almost immediately tries to go for a Copkilla, but instead gets suplexed into the pit. There's a follow-up with some carving with a third baseball bat, then Adam ends up on the outside, and for some reason, the ref starts throwing chairs into the ring while the brawl goes around the ring.

Crane returns first to set up the chairs and maneuver the pit onto them. Elkview Adam crawls back into the ring, gets a chair to the back, then Crane prepares another chair with a thumbtack bat. After a struggle, consisting of elbow strikes, Elkview Adam just shoves Crane into the pit and goes to the top rope. Crane predictably gets up and follows him to Russian Leg Sweep them both through the contraption.

After placing both his bats, Crane gets bodyslammed onto them, then kicks out of Adam's cover. Adam sets up the remains of the pit in a corner. Crane drop toes him onto the chair with the thumbtack bat though, then powerbombs him into the scattered thumbtacks and also gets a two count. He tries to suplex Adam, Adam keeps blocking, and Crane ends up getting a three count with a Small Package.

According to Cagematch comments, Elkview Adam was the replacement for John Wayne Murdoch who couldn't make it due to car troubles. Oh, what could have been... Anyway. This was by no means a great match, but I could see Crane vs. Mathis being at least decent. Maybe there's hope for round 2. Wait, is there a round 2? With such a short run-time, they might go straight to the finals.

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Match 3 – Human Pin Cushion – Sid Fabulous vs. Nick Gage

Wow, someone other than Josh Crane got the memo that this is a fashion contest! Sid Fabulous, accompanied by Woody Numbers, wears actual wrestling attire. It's mainly black – the skirt covers the red or pink tights - but he makes up for it with fur kickpads and gets a good exposure rating by being shirtless.

Of course, the overall fashion sense in this match goes back down with the entrance of Nick Gage. Black shirt, jeans shorts, with the boots being the only acceptable part of this disaster. Why did he ever abandon the black-red tights? Back in the day, when pretty much everyone wore trash can jeans, he was one of the few who made an effort to look like a wrestler. Not that his old outfit was great, but going from spandex to jeans is such a tragic regression. Gage takes off the shirt, but that is little more than a feeble attempt to change my verdict. Fabulous clearly wins this battle.

Strangely, this Human Pin Cushion match has a barbed wire board and chairs, and some kind of barbed wire frame that looks like it's on the verge of collapsing. Thou shalt not take the name 'Human Pin Cushion' in vain! Where are the thumbtacks, carpet strips, gussets? Why is nobody barefoot?

After a brief lock-up, Fabulous goes through the barbed wire board, then gets kicked by Gage, then suplexed through the second board. At least we're not wasting any time to get going. Outside the ring, Fabulous, still tangled in barbed wire, gets thrown into the chairs, then Gage distributes chairshots to Woody Numbers before suplexing Fabulous onto chairs.

I predict a very one-sided match and I'm not disappointed. I mean, I am because I hate one-sided matches, but at least the prediction holds up. Every bit of resistance is cut off immediately, and back in the ring, Fabulous gets powerbombed through the wobbly frame.

What is this? A catfight?

Gage sets up a chair, then it takes a very long time to free Fabulous' hair from the barbed wire. Gage just ends up tearing it out, along with strands of his hair, then suplexes him onto the chair. More chairshots. Facewash. Suplex. Chokebreaker. Three count.

This match would have been right at home in a WWF b-show in 1991 except for the barbed wire.

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Match 4 – FBTW – Viper vs. Smokey C

Viper is a bald guy in black shorts who desperately wants to be Bull Pain when he grows up. At least he has proper footwear (red, to break the monotony). If the matches I've seen from him are anything to go by, that's the most exciting thing about him.

Smokey C is a skinny guy in black shirt and gray shorts who desperately wants to be Nate Webb when he grows up. He's not bald, but he too has proper boots, and that's the most exciting thing about him as well.

I find it difficult to get any less excited than I already was after the first few matches, but here, my disinterest reaches a new peak.

The ring has the usual collection of a FBTW: thumbtack bats, thumbtack water jug, blow-up doll, pinata, lighttubes.

Before anything happens, Smokey C leaves the ring and calls Viper over to start the fight in the crowd. Excellent idea. Ask fans to bring weapons, then fight as far from them as the venue allows. I'm so checked out, I almost made it full circle. If it goes on long enough, this will become my all-time favorite match.

Brawling on the outside, weapon smashing, carving. One of the muppets on commentary keeps calling Viper 'Tremont'. Looks like I'm not the only one who wishes there were completely different people in this match. A Michinoku Driver from Viper onto lighttubes probably qualifies as the high point, but Smokey C sadly kicks out. Back to weapon smashing it is. These guys must be really close friends of Pondo because I see no other reason why they'd get put in most fun stipulation as the 'main event' of round 1.

A lighttube and plastic fork board is set up between chairs. I'm hopeful this heralds the finish. Viper is on the top rope, Smokey C follows, Viper smashes him through the contraption and wins.

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So it's Mathis vs. Crane, Gage vs. Viper in round 2. Oh boy. I can barely contain my excitement.

An announcement is made. Viper is brought out again right after the match. Lots of background noise, but I gather that he can't continue due to a leg or ankle injury.

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ROUND 2

Match 1 - TLC - Josh Crane vs. Ron Mathis

As if his lead wasn't strong enough yet, Crane further improves his outfit rating by coming out with the singlet already pulled down and some nice battle damage.

No outfit change for Ron Mathis who, strangely, still ranks relatively high despite the jeans shorts. No visible battle damage, but he's selling his back.

There's no stipulation on Cagematch, but outside the ring is at least one table. A bit sparse, but hey, can't have everything. Ability-wise, this is probably the strongest possible pairing out of all entrants. Proving that point, they start off with proper wrestling. It's a balanced back and forth, suplexes, chop duel, Crane gets an early two count. Mathis finds a ladder. Maybe this is a TLC match.

No, it is not. As I type it, commentary immediately corrects me. It is a High Impact Tables match. And Mathis goes against the ladder with quite some impact indeed, then Crane gets suplexed against it. Crane is selling his knee injury which is a cue for commentary to clarify that Viper also has an injured knee, not an injured ankle.

Meanwhile, the action moved to the outside where Mathis also adds chairs while Crane hugs the table. I don't care what commentary says. To me, it's a TLC match. Mathis hits a tornado DDT, somehow, on the concrete, then Crane reverses a piledriver attempt and backflips Mathis onto his chairs. It continues with chairs to Mathis' back while the table is brought to the ring.

Crane breaks it with with a 'twisting suplex' against Mathis, then gets another two count. I'm pretty sure it was Crane's trademark Tiger Suplex, but I have never seen or heard of a 'twisting suplex', so what do I know. Mathis comes back with a STO onto the apron, then goes for the second table. No. He goes to the top rope and a struggle ensues that ends with Mathis going through the table outside. Another two count follows, then Crane gets a chair. They are now a good distance from the ring and if the camera wasn't dead set on staying on Mathis on the floor, I too could inspect the contraption Crane is inspecting out of frame.

The camera LOVES this visual. If it was Crane, I'd probably have gotten Stockholm Syndrome from prolongued exposure again.

There's definitely a table with lighttubes, but there's also something else behind it. Some kind of pallet tower that is held in place by three people. Mathis climbs on top of it. Crane follows. Commentary calls it 'scaffolding' and says it's 12 – 13 feet tall. See, here is where it comes in handy that I look up heights to measure contraptions. Both Mathis and Crane are 5'11. The top shelf of the contraption is roughly the same height as Mathis' head. I give it 6'2, 6'3 because I'm generous, but there's no reality in which that thing is 12 – 13 foot tall.

It's probably 5'10.

There's a struggle on top of the contraption. Then Crane just lets himself fall through the lighttube table for some reason. Commentary insists he just fell 13 feet through tables, plural. Bitch, please.

Josh Crane falling 130 feet through 10 tables.

Nope, commentary ascended to a different plane. While Josh Crane crawls back to the ring on all fours, commentary notes that 'Ron Mathis can't believe Crane got up after that'.

Josh Crane being back on his feet after falling from low Earth orbit through 1000 tables.

Back in the ring, Mathis hits a piledriver and gets a three count. Well, that's not ideal, but other than this outcome, this was by far – and I'm measuring in lightyears here – the best match.

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Crazy Mary Dobson's Open Challenge

It's a challenge, so I assume this will be a match in the end, but there's no telling if it will be a deathmatch. Dobson wears black-red, proper boots, facepaint. The exposure is very good, so even if it comes down to a deathmatch, the black wouldn't be much of a problem.

Dobson's opponent couldn't make it to the show, for that reason she challenges anyone on the IWA-EC roster to come out and fight her. The challenge is answered by El Drunko aka Nate Webb as a drunkard luchador. White mask, dark-blue jacket, white shirt, burgundy pants, one shoe, one gray sock. Other than the mask, all of this is business casual, not even streetwear.

Win for Dobson, and I'm pretty sure this isn't going to be a deathmatch, so I'm going to skip ahead to the finals.

Since Viper is out, Nick Gage got a bye, the semi finals consisted of only one match, and now there's just the final to go. I'm not thrilled at all, but oh well. I made it this far. I can as well watch the last 20 minutes.

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FINAL

Panes of Glass & Lighttubes – Ron Mathis vs. Nick Gage

No outfit change for either. Both are shirtless, wear jeans shorts, proper boots, and even black headwear (beanie on Mathis, bandana on Gage). Absolutely horrible fashion sense on display here, and yet this duel has a clear winner. Gage: black boots, brown belt. The old faux pas. Mathis: black boots, black belt. The one good fashion decision he made in his entire life.

A few reviews back, I said I can think of several people who look more homeless than Homeless Jimmy. Just throwing that out there.

Gage has garden shears. Better than a pizza cutter because it's at least a more visible object. Other than that, there are several panes of glass and lighttubes. Mathis is selling his ribs this time around while Gage grunts vaguely human noises in praise of himself into a microphone.

The match starts with Mathis throwing a handful of salt in Gage's face, then smashing him through the first glass panes within seconds. Nice, so this match will at least be more balanced than Gage's first round squash. Mathis doesn't stay in control for long. Gage smashes tubes on him, then kicks him out of the ring and smashes a lighttube contraption over his back.

Into the chairs Mathis goes, then Gage smashes yet another lighttube log cabin on him. Chairshots and smashes; they wander to a pallet storage area and Gage suplexes Mathis onto it. Powerbomb onto chairs against Mathis, Gage gets a thumbtack bat to continue the smashing.

Back in the ring, Gage carves Mathis' forehead with the shears, then a ton of chairs is thrown into the ring. Gage sets some up, but Mathis finally wakes up and fights back – which Gage naturally no sells, then continues his construction. Mathis goes through a pane of glass. The remaining one has found its way onto the chairs. It breaks with a top rope piledriver from Gage who only gets a two count after. Lighttube face wash. Mathis kicks out at two again.

The predicted balance has long gone out of the window. Mathis gets suplexed through a lighttube, another kick-out. Piledriver, allegedly 'jumping', against Mathis. Gage puts a lighttube bundle in the corner, but Mathis slips out of the powerbomb attempt and pushes Gage through the lighttubes. No sell.

Mathis is dead, as he has been for most of the match, and Gage puts another bundle of tubes onto him before climbing the top rope. Mathis evades the leg drop, piledrives Gage and gets a three count. One word to summarize my thoughts about this match in general and the finish in particular: lolwut?

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FINAL THOUGHTS

If nothing else, my trophy distribution is easier than it's ever been before. Best Dressed: Josh Crane by a huge, huge margin; runner-up Sid Fabulous. MOTN: Crane vs. Mathis, no runner-up. MVP: Josh Crane.

At the tender age of 19, Crane stole the show in every aspect. I strongly suspect that, if Murdoch had been able to make the show and been in the spot of Elkview Adam, Crane wouldn't have advanced because he is and always was criminally underrated. Crane vs. Murdoch would doubtlessly have been a better match than Crane vs. Adam, regardless of outcome. Murdoch vs. Mathis in round 2 would probably also have ended up as MOTN or runner-up, and in either case, it wouldn't have been Mathis' doing because 'getting beaten up' isn't really much of a contribution. What I'm saying is that Josh Crane was the real replacement for John Wayne Murdoch in regards to carrying the show, with the added bonus that Crane's fashion sense is a lot better than Murdoch's.

Everything else on display at Masters of Pain 2015 was so unremarkable that I already forgot most of it barely 20 minutes after it's over.

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