POR Hardcore Grand Prix 5 (2024)

Temu Jim Duggan is my favorite wrestler

I added this show to my list when I added pretty much any tournament from 2024, but I'll freely admit: This is going to be a rough one for me. It's not that I mind the backyardy nature. On the contrary. Usually, I find that endearing because it reminds me of home, by which I mean IWA-DS and Slavonic Violence. Neither is known for posh venues and that adds to their charm. It's raw, heartfelt, and honest, and I'm notoriously turned off by glitter and glitz.

Not everything that doesn't glitter is gold though.

However, POR has a different vibe, one that's more weird than entertaining to me. Whenever I watch it, I get the distinct impression that the wrestling premise is just a front for a fetishistic fascination with fire and injuries below the belt line. So many 'spots' from the POR originals are just 'firecrackers/weedwhacker/fire to the balls', and that's a suspiciously narrow focus to have.

I generally don't mind fire or firecrackers. After all, both are staples in IWA-DS – just not in every single match. Weedwhackers are a crutch that rarely make a match better; often uncooperative momentum-killers, but in small doses, it's whatever to me. It's the ubiquity of and overreliance on these things, and the lack of creativity and variety that turns me off from POR. Nearly everything I see, be it POR matches or POR guys working elsewhere, comes down to 'here we go again, yet another weapon shot to the balls'. With nothing to break the monotony, that's not appealing. Just like Jimmy Lyon seems to be a bit too into barefoot matches to make him bearable to me.

Deathmatch wrestling often gets accused of being too light on the latter, which I think is outdated by well over a decade. Except in POR. That's where one can see the difference between 'spot monkeys who bought a ring' and 'actual wrestlers'. Sometimes the spot monkeys have an actual wrestler as opponent, but it takes two to tango, and to my knowledge, nobody in POR can dance.

Anyway. Let's get started. I'm trying to keep an open mind.

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ROUND 1

Match 1 – JJ Escobar vs. Tarzan Duran

Match 2 – Kamikaze vs. Satu Jinn

Match 3 – Tommy Trainwreck vs. Mikey Anarchy vs. Mickie Knuckles

Match 4 – Hardcore Hillbilly vs. Sinister

Non-Tournament Matches

Last Chance Scramble

FINAL

Final Thoughts

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Previous POR Hardcore Grand Prix winner and CBT enthusiast JJ Escobar makes his entrance, accompanied by a weedwhacker – here we go – and some guy in what commentary generously describes as 'an astronaut suit'.

MY GOD. A pool. With a clear liquid. Is that a goddamn pool of rubbing alcohol?! One minute in and I'm already infuriated.

Escobar wears the white wool mask – also infuriating because 'sweating into wool mask' is one of the most disgusting sensations I can imagine. People who think wet socks are the pinnacle of awful sensations have never considered the possibility of having the wet thing on their face. The rest of Escobar's outfit isn't great – black shirt, black tights, proper boots. Decent sportswear, terrible colors.

Escobar lights the astronaut guy on fire, then chases him with the weedwhacker into the pool. I guess it wasn't rubbing alcohol then. That's something!

From out of frame, Tarzan Duran dives onto Escobar. Commentary says he 'enters the match'. Oh. I better judge his outfit then. Mostly black, but there's some red and blue – trunks or the loincloth, I believe - and he's far more exposed than Escobar. Easy win.

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ROUND 1

Match 1 – JJ Escobar vs. Tarzan Duran

Duran hits Escobar with something flaming, then a chair and a chain. I still haven't seen a ring, but there's a referee. It's mostly brawling and weapon shots, but Duran tries to wrestle here and there, and Escobar Military Presses him onto a car wreck. Then it's back to chair shots near a picnic blanket with a baby. According to commentary, a ring exists. In the background, there's a big barbed wire trampoline. Escobar finds a lighttube, there's some carving, then they wander around the scenery for a bit. I spotted the ring somewhere in the distance. The camera work becomes erratic. I'm really, really not into this.

Escobar puts a cigarette out on Duran's face, then tries to push his face against a dirtbike wheel, but doesn't succeed. Back to brawling in the crowd and the camera's issues to keep up.

Oh wow, they finally arrived in the ring. It only took them 8 minutes to find it. Duran has a lighter and a chair. They leave the ring. Duran ignites the firecrackers on the chair and hits Escobar with it. Escobar runs off into the crowd yet again, then returns with his stupid weedwhacker. Nobody in this match has ever heard of selling.

Back in the ring, a test of strength over the weedwhacker ensues and Duran manages to disarm Escobar with a Russian Leg Sweep-like move. After a springboard neckbreaker, he gets a two count. Oh god, why is it only a two. Can this be over already? Vertical suplex from Escobar, Duran kicks out at two. Commentary gets informed that a board in the middle of the ring is broken. For safety reasons, I think this should be ended and declared a no contest, but no such mercy exists in POR.

'Most likely to win Darwin Award without dying' - JJ Escobar's yearbook

Duran smashes a lighttube bundle on Escobar's balls. What a surprise. Bodyslam from Duran. Vertical suplex from Escobar, again only a two. Christ on a bike, how long will I have to endure this? It's slightly better now that Duran has ropes, but not enough to make Escobar bearable. Suicide dive from Duran to the outside, another kickout at two. He tries his luck with a submission, then lets go and wanders off. He returns with a new weapon. Not sure what it is, a thick kendo stick? He also has a bottle and tries to waterboard Escobar. This is the most disgusting thing I have ever seen, pouring water directly onto the wool.

The new weapon is a apparently a torch which Duran sets on fire, then blows a fireball in Escobar's face – hopefully it dried the mask! - then he seems to put lighter fluid on a rag on the top rope. Yep, it's on fire now. Escobar dips Duran against it before a Blue Thunder Bomb. Still only a two count. Does this never end? Which god have I offended?

Duran turns the tide with two low blows, then sets up two chairs over Escobar and puts a glass pane on them. He climbs the top rope. Out of frame, firecrackers on the glass pane go off. Duran shatters it with a twisting senton and finally, finally gets a three count.

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Match 2 – Kamikaze vs. Satu Jinn

Reigning and defending POR Heavyweight Champion and CBT enthusiast Kamikaze makes a good visual impression, wearing a black mask, neon-green shorts, black vest, and proper footwear. It's a shame he can't wrestle for shit because the outfit isn't bad. Commentary mentions that he defeated Mickie Knuckles and Shane Mercer in the same match, and possibly also Remington Rhor, but I'm mentally too checked out to listen.

Satu Jinn wears a green vest to olive green 3/4 pants and tabi. I'm going with him here because he has a theme, and due to Kamikaze's long black sleeves, Jinn is slightly less covered.

Kamikaze's title is now the POR World title. Ok then.

The fact that this match starts in the ring gives me hope. Jinn kicks it off with a big boot, then... I suppose it's a struggle? Jinn gets Kamikaze in a Samoan Drop position, but Kamikaze fights out of it and hilariously tries to chain wrestle which consists of him just holding his arms around Jinn. He jumps on his back for a sleeperhold, but gets smashed in the corner. Kamikaze evades a splash and now attacks with kicks and a splash, then climbs the top rope for a coast to coast.

Is it chain wrestling if the entire chain consists only of a veeery long waistlock?

So far, this really resembles a wrestling match. I'm positively surprised after the mess before. Jinn sidewalk slams Kamikaze to regain the advantage, then arms himself with a lighttube and stomps Kamikaze's hand on it.

Jinn gets another lighttube and breaks it with a headbutt on Kamikaze's head. More tubes. Again Kamikaze tries to wrestle, but ends up getting bodyslammed onto the tubes. Jinn gets his machete and it's time for some carving. I suppose it was inevitable, and it was brief, so I'm not too mad. Jinn gets a trash can. A chop duel ensues and ends with Kamikaze hitting a bulldog against Jinn onto the trash can, then he smashes a lighttube on him and returns the carving favor with the remains. Jinn cuts him off by picking him up for an electric chair drop though.

Jinn gets a cooler from someone at ringside and puts it on Kamikaze's head before stomping it. So far, this has mostly been Kamikaze taking a beating, but seeing his absurd win:loss record, I'm not hopeful for a title change.

Jinn floors Kamikaze – again – with a thrown chair to the head, but misses the second attempt. Kamikaze attacks with the trash can – and I'm using the term 'attack' lightly because it looks bad – then a gusset plate bat gets involved. Armed with two lighttubes, Kamikaze climbs the top rope and hits a double stomp, then a swanton, then gets a two count.

Kamikaze sets up chairs. Or tries to; it takes a while until he gets two that can be set up. Once that hurdle is taken, a pane of glass is arranged on them. Kamikaze, then the ref, try to open something, with little success. Jinn has been untouched the entire time and still sells the swanton. Finally, something happens. Lighter fluid is put on the glass pane, which promplty slides off the chairs and has to be placed back on them, then lit, by the ref – while Jinn is waiting with Kamikaze in a powerbomb position for a very long time.

'Awkward' doesn't begin to describe the timing.

He hits it, it looks great, and Satu Jinn does get a three count – and with it the title. I'm pleased. Him vs. Duran in round 2 doesn't sound too bad.

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Match 3 – Tommy Trainwreck vs. Mikey Anarchy vs. Mickie Knuckles

Tommy Trainwreck wears tan shorts to a black shirt and acceptable footwear by which I mean he had the right idea – kickpads – but only wears one. Not great, not terrible. Slightly better than his opponent though. Mikey Anarchy wears a black vest to long black pants and red sneakers which makes for so-so exposure – probably slightly better than Trainwreck – but a terrible sportswear ratio. Credit where credit is due: Anarchy does wear a red belt to match his shoes.

In the ring are now several lighttube bundles including a Tokyo tower and a log cabin-like contraption, a pane of glass, and a door. Commentary threatens me with Mickey Knuckles later on... Oh wait, no. Apparently this is a threeway. And since this show was already cringy enough without her, I'm going to skip this.

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Match 4 – Hardcore Hillbilly vs. Sinister

A new record in 'lack of sportswear' is set by Hardcore Hillbilly in red flannel and long denim overalls and black boots. I need to consider the fact that this is clearly a theme though. It's not the same as randomly wearing tattered jeans shorts. The lack of sportswear isn't what reduces his chance to win this fashion face off. It's him being very covered up.

Why does he have a microphone? Is this not a match? He does indeed wander away from the ring and starts talking. He claims that 'every single one of these matches started in that ring tonight' which is not true. Escobar and Duran only went anywhere near it 8 minutes into their match. Anyway, this is a match, after all. Hillbilly just wants to start it out in the crowd. Also, Hillbilly is apparently the replacement for Shane Mercer due to injury (from his Pacific North Death match against A Sloppy Boy, Jimmy Llyod). Unfortunate. That's the wrestling version of ordering a wagyu steak and getting a six pack of chicken nuggets.

Hillbilly's opponent is Sinister, a man who opted to wear all black and a random facepaint. Long pants, at least a tank top that vaguely counts as sportswear, but those shoes are streetwear. Terrible. The facepaint makes me think there's supposed to be some kind of gimmick, but I wouldn't know what it is. Could be 'juggalo', could be 'black metal', either way, it's half-assed. For that reason (and the wrestling boots) I'm giving the victory to Hillbilly.

The match begins in the crowd with awkward slow-motion brawling and a lot walking around. There's a slam of sorts from Hillbilly who follows up with a chair throw and a cannonball splash of sorts against a ladder. More walking around; now they are heading to the ring and awkwardly struggle over a cooler. Sinister sticks a gusset plate into Hillbilly's forehead. Things are slow, very slow, and – if I didn't make it clear yet – very awkward. In the ring, that doesn't change. For a backyard match especially, it feels very coordinated, working down a list of moves they came up with and rehearsed several times. It lacks energy, intensity, enthusiasm.

Sinister calls for a glass pane and lighter fluid. While he sprays the pane, Hillbilly interrupts him with a lighttube fan. He sets the pane ablaze, then it immediately goes out, and the glass doesn't break from the suplex either. This is honestly painful to watch. Hillbilly goes for another pane of glass and it takes a long time to find chairs and set it up outside the ring. More lighter fluid. The ref has trouble igniting it at all while Hillbilly and Sinister awkwardly bumble on the apron. Again, it takes a long time before something happens. Which is Sinister shoulderblocking Hillbilly through the finally ignited glass pane and somehow winning. Was this a world series match? No special rules were mentioned. Either way, I'm glad it's over, and dread having to see Sinister wrestle again in round 2.

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Non-Tournament Match

Hot Stakes Match/Grudge Match (?) - Jason Vicious vs. JC Extreme

Jimmy Controversy shows up in a cop car. That's stylish. He and his buddies – one of which wears a police-themed outfit – throw money. They are a stable called 'the Money Militia'. Is this a tag team match? Why are there three guys? Guess I judge all of them just to be on the safe side. Controversy wears all black, but I see spandex, so there's some wrestling attire involved today. Black hat, sunglasses, recognizable gimmick. Not the greatest outfit, but probably the best out of these three. Guy 1 – who I'm sure I saw at that strange show in a half-pipe several reviews ago – wears all black and blue wrestling boots. It's a black singlet under black jeans, which makes the presence of wrestling gear the one saving grace here. The odd man out is Guy 2 with the jeans shorts, tan vest, black hoodie, red headband/bandana/hat, but proper footwear.

They have a microphone and keep talking. I'm not listening because none of them is Judge Joe Dred.

From left to right: Temu Mountie, Guy 2/Jason Vicious, Guy 1

Hat Guy is calling out JC Extreme. I think I've seen that guy at the half-pipe show, too. I may have described him as looking like the son of 80s soccer and Reinhold Messner. According to commentary, Hat Guy is 'Jason Vicious', maybe.

JC Extreme does indeed look like a genetic experiment that involved Reinhold Messner and possibly 'Hacksaw' Jim Duggan. He wears all black, t-shirt, spandex tights, and... why is he wearing Controversy's boots? Meanwhile, Hat Guy took his hat and vest/hoodie off which makes him White Shirt Guy.

It also turns out that this is a singles match between Jason Vicious and JC Extreme. Oh boy. I'm not seeing any weapons, which might give me an excuse to skip this. Commentary helpfully chimes in to say that this is a 'grudge match'. That can mean anything.

Extreme opens with a furious series of punches. Well, at least he has intensity. Now if only he also had coordination. There's chain wrestling, there's a dropkick, JC Extreme is firmly in charge. After a Scoop Slam, he gets a first two count. He's so much more animated and involved in his own match than either Hillbilly or Sinister were before. Just when I was about to type that JC Extreme is on a fast track to becoming my favorite POR wrestler, Jimmy Controversy distracts the ref and for some reason, firecrackers go off behind them where Extreme has/had his opponent in a leg lock. It's hard to tell because the ring is shrouded in smoke.

Things happen. There may have been a betrayal. Jason Vicious got dropkicked through a lighttube frame which his stable mates were holding. JC Extreme strangles Vicious with a whip, then actually whips him. The ref asks 'What do you say?' Is this a 'I Quit' match, by any chance?

Still outside the ring, Extreme carves Vicious with lighttube shards, then shoves him toward the crowd. A back suplex follows. I'm definitely a fan of Temu Jim Duggan by now. Keyboard shot to Vicious' head, then Extreme attacks with... a camping chair? Umbrella? Tripod? Ah, now he has a regular chair. A low blow, followed by the world's most telegraphed DDT on the chair, floors JC Extreme. Unfortunately, Vicious isn't sure what to do with his advantage. After wandering around for a bit, he gets slammed and Extreme gets another two count.

Man, JC Extreme is a natural born showman. It's really tragic that he doesn't have a shred of natural charisma and has to work as hard as he does to win viewers over based purely on performance. He's the Jay Blade of POR.

Extreme finds a lighttube, but ends up hitting a fan Vicious used as meat shield. Obvious plant is obvious, but ok. The action, most of which consists of punches and chops, moves back toward the ring. Extreme sets up chairs and I'd be surprised if he didn't put a pane of... no, it's a barbed wire door this time. Nice. Variety.

Another low blow gives Vicious the upper hand again. He tries to piledrive Extreme on the apron, but is shoved away, then Russian Leg Swept through the barbed wire door. Vicious still has the advantage though and breaks a lighttube on Extreme's head. The cocky cover attempt only yields a two count.

Back in the ring, lighttube bundles magically appear and Extreme got floored, possibly with a twist of fate, while I was typing. Now both are down, but Vicious gets up first and climbs the top rope. Extreme follows and puts Vicious through the tubes with a picture-perfect Muscle Buster. He follows up with a nasty-looking double underhook piledriver that gets him a three count.

I don't mean this as an insult and I'm not saying JC Extreme is ugly, but I really think he should consider wearing a mask. The skills are there, the enthusiasm and showmanship is on point. It's just the aggressively un-wrestler-like look that gets in his way. A cool mask has gotten lesser skilled people over, so why not give it a shot? If the Temu Jim Duggan turns into a Temu Green Phantom, that could really be something I'd want to see more often.

Either way, this match was the clear MOTN for me. Strong storytelling, decent enough pacing, spectacular finish that didn't even rely on the various weapons.

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Non-Tournament Match

24/7 POR Briefcase Match – Jamal the Wizard vs. Shotgun Allman

The winner gets a briefcase that can be cashed in for any title shot in POR.

Jamal doesn't look like a wizard at all. He wears a bandana, black vest, black jeans, black sneakers. Even Orin Veidt in MMA shorts looks more like a wizard than that. But then, maybe Jamal is just hiding his magical powers behind an unassuming facade. He's the 'co-owner of the POR Briefcase' – whatever that means. Is the briefcase a title that's on the line here? It sounded like it was 'vacant' and fought out in this match, but who knows. Commentary says there has been a dispute about the briefcase ownership. So... two people claim ownership and aren't co-holders?

Shotgun Allman, a member of the Money Militia, wears a black shirt to black tights and acceptable footwear which makes him the winner in this bottom of the barrel fashion duel. He has a chain, but there are no other weapons yet. Please don't be a hardcore match, so I can skip it.

Oh no. Shotgun Allman is the former POR Hardcore Champion. Still no weapons though. Skipping ahead, it turns out there really were no weapons. Shotgun Allman appears to have won.

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Non-Tournament Match

Triple Threat – Wes Rogers vs. Angel Metro vs. Draven

Wes Rogers is the first to reach a 100 % wrestling attire ratio today, wearing black tights, proper footwear, and matching pink accessories. Commentary calls him the best technical wrestler in POR which is like bragging about having two arms at an amputee conference.

Angel Metro wears a black top and black sleeves to black-white camo pants and sports shoes that don't count as wrestling gear.

Draven wears black tights to a black hooded vest and a mask and proper footwear, everything in shiny pleather. Assuming this isn't a hardcore/deathmatch, that's a good look. The accessories put it slightly ahead of Rogers for me.

It is indeed not a hardcore or deathmatch, so I'm going to skip this. Draven won. Hopefully, at some point, the tournament will continue.

...but not yet.

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Last Chance Scramble

The winner of this match will enter the tournament final. The Money Milita, consisting of Jimmy Controversy, Guy 1, and Jason Vicious have already been judged. However, there's a change. Controversy takes his shirt off and thereby improves both exposure and wrestling attire ratio. It seems only he and Guy 1 will be in the match since Vicious stays on the outside.

Nikki Lee wears all black. What a surprise. Black vest, black shirt, black tights, black bandana, black sunglasses, yet some kind of black-white facepaint. Wrestling boots, too. At least he's accessorized, but that doesn't make it a great outfit.

The last entrant is Jesse Daniels who wears red-white-black camo. A Terry Houston memorial look, if you will. He wanders off into the darkness beyond the crowd though, so I don't know what else he is wearing. Black bandana and black footwear. Apparently, he and Nikki Lee have an alliance. I'd say out of these four weak showings, Controversy wins on the basis of wrestling attire and exposure.

There are weapons. Lighttubes, a cut cans board, a barbed wire board. It's more of a tag team match with the Money Milita working together and the other two teaming up. Guy 1 goes onto the cut cans board, Controversy gets carved up by Temu Terry Houston while Nikki Lee beats up Jason Vicious on the outside. I think. No, Guy 1 is involved in this, too. In the ring, Daniels attacks Controversy with chairs and sets up a contraption with the barbed wire board. The other two participants aren't visible for the moment. Controversy gets slammed through the board, then Guy 1 shows up again and takes Not-Terry Houston in a Sleeperhold. Guy 1's singlet is gone. Too late to change my verdict. He betrays his buddy Controversy and gets the win. Well. Officer Whoever moves on to the finals.

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FINAL

Roman 5:0 (Guy 1) vs. Sinister vs. Satu Jinn vs. Tarzan Duran vs. Mickie Knuckles

Guy 1's singlet is back, so my verdict is the same as above. He has a bundle of lighttubes, but I don't count them as accessory. Too generic and this seems to be a FBTW based on all the stuff in the ring. It's a consumable. Sinister's outfit hasn't changed either, but he has some visible battle damage.

Satu Jinn left his vest backstage/in the bus wreck. His machete does count as accessory because he actually owns it. Colorwise, he's currently the frontrunner with dark-green.

Not for long though. Tarzan Duran wears several colors, is accessorized, and by far the least covered up. It appears he has a torch and lighter fluid. Not accessories in my book.

Oh god. Knuckles. I totally forgot about that and wish I could go back to that wonderful oblivion I had a minute ago. Less than a minute in, there's cringe comedy. I don't know if I can do this. I'll try, but that I'm grateful for a close-up of Satu Jinn carving Guy 1's forehead with the machete should tell you my level of investment in this match. What a terrible day to have eyes indeed.

Cringe spots. No, sorry, I can't. I don't even have the hope that would come with elimination rules. This is one fall. And unfortunately for me, Knuckles gets it, winning this prestigious tournament in the end.

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FINAL THOUGHTS

It's probably not a surprise that I didn't enjoy this show for the most part. The non-tournament grudge match was the one bright spot on the card, with everything else (that I watched) ranging from 'meh' to 'hopeless'. I suspect the non-tournament triple threat might have been at least watchable, based on what I've seen elsewhere from Draven and Angel Metro, but that doesn't make the tournament itself any better. It's just screaming obvious that most of the POR guys can't wrestle. At best, they can execute a handful of wrestling moves, but everything else that goes into a match is simply absent. The one exception is JC Extreme who stood out as much better by most measures and was able to carry his opponent to a decent enough performance. If he found a solution for his Jaybladetism - a tragically un-wrestler-y look - I could see him get booked more widely.

The MOTN was unfortunately a very easy decision. For Best Dressed, the pickings are slim. The win goes, almost by default, to Tarzan Duran with by the far best exposure, decent colors, and a discernible theme. Runners-up are Satu Jinn (decent exposure, theme) and Kamikaze (whose fashion sense is far, far better than his wrestling skills - he should swap ring attire with JC Extreme).

I can't name an overall MVP. Going in, I had no card and expected there to be a round 2 instead of several non-tournament matches. That wasn't the case, and I also skipped quite a bit. Based on my usual criteria, the MVP has to be one of the finalists for the highest total of matches. Duran's first round match was bad, so not him. Jinn's match was decent, considering what he had to work with. Sinister is terrible, Roman 5:0 is the most forgettable person to ever enter a ring, and I skipped Knuckles. Since I simply cannot stand the cringe of the latter, my best guess is that Satu Jinn was the closest to an MVP this show had.

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