VOW Lord of Anarchy 3 (2017)

I'm back in Fairmont, West Virginia, and right on track with my plan to review all Lord of Anarchy and Survival of the Sickest tournaments in order (while chaos reigns for all other promotions on my list, but that's besides the point). The first LOA was the definition of 'forgettable', the second a lot of fun, so this could go either way.

---

ROUND 1

Match 1 - Scramble to the Death Five Way - Reed Bentley vs. Adam Bueller vs. Drew Chaos vs. Colt 45 vs. Conor Claxton vs. Devon Moore

Non-Tournament Match

Recap

Match 2 – All Fucking Tangled Up - Toby Klein vs. G-Raver

Match 3 – Into The Pits Of Madness - John Wayne Murdoch vs. Jesse Amato/Nick Gage

Match 4 – Spiders on the Glass - Dale Patricks vs. Matt Tremont

Match 5 – Fatal Four Way Elimination Cabin in the Woods - Josh Crane vs. Jimmy Lloyd vs. Jeff Cannonball vs. Mad Man Pondo

ROUND 2

FINAL

Final Thoughts

---

ROUND 1

Match 1 - Scramble to the Death Five Way

Reed Bentley vs. Adam Bueller vs. Drew Chaos vs. Colt 45 vs. Conor Claxton (C) - (vs. Devon Moore)

Scrambles are not really my favorite type of match, but hey, at least it's not an 8 men tornado tag match.

Reed Bentley, fresh from his shift at the gas station, wears a black shirt to tan shorts. Not a great start. Adam Bueller makes a slightly better impression, wearing a black vest to tan shorts and a horned skull mask. His moniker is 'gentleman' though, and I don't see what a random skull mask has to do with that. Drew Chaos is a name I haven't heard in a long, long time. His outfit choice sure doesn't make me regret that. Black shirt, gray shorts, he just went out of frame before I paused to type and I already forgot him. Colt 45, shirtless and in black shorts, is my first glimpse of hope. I don't think his shorts count as sportswear either, but I could at least give him a fair exposure-based victory. Conor Claxton, black trunks – finally, we have one piece of actual wrestling attire in this five way now! - black shirt, also wears his VOW Anarchy title, and apparently this is a title match.

Not a great opener for Best Dressed. Bueller removed the shirt within the judging time frame, but that doesn't cancel out his streetwear. It's between Colt 45 and Conor Claxton, both in black with roughly the same skin exposure. A close-up seals the deal in favor of Claxton. Once again, Colt 45 pairs a brown belt with black shoes, and last I checked (3 days ago), that was still the number 1 fashion faux pas.

On to the match. At least I am ready. Nobody else is though. There's a discussion about something between all five and the ref. Also a barbed wire board, a carpet strip board, two panes of glass, some white board and a stack of blue buckets. Other camera angles also reveal lighttubes and a small skewer board shortly after.

Claxton's complaints to the ref come to an end when he throws Drew Chaos through a pane of glass. That was sudden, but hey, at least we got started. The remaining three opponents gang up on Claxton, kick him out of the ring, and high five for the world's shortest alliance. Bueller immediately attacks Bentley, Colt 45 joins in. They try to shatter the other pane of glass on Bentley's head. It doesn't break, and that results in a 'holy shit' chant less than 3 minutes into the show.

My full beat-by-beat write-up of this match (roughly 14 minutes in total) came out as more than 2 pages. It felt like violating every writing rule r/writing has ever conjured up in a coke-fueled procrastination rampage – something I'm generally very unconcerned with, but one common point does apply here. It would be boring to read a stream of 'A punches B, B falls over, C powerbombs D' and so on. The match isn't great. It has no flow at all and is a perfect example why I don't like scrambles. Most of the time, it's one on one while the other three are inexplicably floored or just standing around outside the ring and wait for their cue. So I will summarize and just give you the highlights:

Adam Bueller powerbombs Colt 45 through the hair brush board, one of the sillier weapons in an otherwise well-stocked match.

Drew Chaos, who will provide all of the lowlights in this rundown, performs the worst 'dive' I have ever seen in my entire life against Reed Bentley. Have you ever seen a very drunk and naturally clumsy person try to climb over a fence? That's the 'dive'. Chaos heaving himself over a guardrail and awkwardly fall-stumbling in Bentley's general direction. Bentley is also stationary on a chair.

More generally, Bentley acts out the legend of Sisyphus during this match. He keeps trying to hold this mess together, but the damn boulder keeps rolling down the hill. And by 'boulder', I mean 'Drew Chaos'.

Chaos is terrible, and Colt 45 gets the worst of it when Chaos fucks up a Death Valley Driver against him. The ref rushes over, the camera gallantly moves away, and it takes quite a while until Colt re-joins the action.

It took two or three attempts to even get Colt on his shoulders.

Conor Claxton completely withdrew from said action after the initial kicks of the opening. According to commentary, he's still there, wandering around the ring with his title and staying out of the fight. The story here is that he's a smug, lazy champion. That's fine, except for two consequences. First, he not only stays out of the fight, but also out of the camera's view. At times, I thought he had left and the other four simply hadn't noticed. For a match that does (at least formally) involve Claxton, the Conor Claxton/People who are not Conor Claxton balance is atrocious. What's worse, however, is that his non-involvement deprives Bentley of the much needed help with his futile task.

Rare footage of the reigning and defending champion preening his winter plumage.

Help finally does arrive – in the form of Devon Moore, wearing his best gas station outfit to date. Black t-shirt, long jeans, street shoes, but it's also well over 10 minutes after the bell, so I won't consider him in my judgement. I don't know why he's joining the match this late, and commentary doesn't say anything about it either.

Everyone hates that Claxton has the title. So far, nobody has really tried to do something about it though, and neither does Moore. The only one who goes after Claxton once he shows himself near the ring is, you guessed it, Reed Bentley, and it's short-lived. After some chaos, Moore puts Bueller through barbed wire boards, and when both are down, Claxton pins them to win.

He proceeds to mock the crowd, then Dan O'Hare comes out with a bundle of lighttubes.

---

Non-Tournament Match

VOW Anarchy Title Match

Conor Claxton (C) vs. Dan O'Hare

O'Hare's wears a black shirt, red-black spandex shorts, matching kickpads. Lots of black, but this is far from the worst. Claxton beats him with better exposure, but the amount of wrestling attire puts O'Hare ahead of Colt 45.

O'Hare attacks with his lighttubes. A slam follows, then some carving with the remains of the previous match. Surprisingly, there are quite a few leftovers, including cinderblocks with a lighttube bundle, a pane of glass, a board with cans, and a stack of curved lighttubes which O'Hare puts Claxton through with a Uranage. There's also another barbed wire board, but before O'Hare gets to use it, Claxton counters and tries to piledrive him onto the cinderblocks. O'Hare counters too, but the board doesn't break when he throws Claxton against it.

Dan O'Hare not only climbs the top rope. No, he stands upright on it and dives. I had no idea he's a mini! How is this possible in VOW's favorite venue with the world's lowest ceiling? Did they move the ring? O'Hare misses though, and Claxton Death Valley Drivers him through the glass pane for a three count. Unfortunately, Drew Chaos was not present to see what Death Valley Drivers are supposed to look like.

---

BIZARRELY EARLY INTERMISSION

So there's a lot going on already. For some unfathomable reason, the five way was a first round tournament match, the impromptu match was not, and the other first round matches will be three singles and a four way. This is all over the place and I begin to feel like a broken record, but I can only repeat: Every entrant in a tournament should start with the same conditions, and have to go through the same number of opponents to reach the final. That's how tournaments are supposed to work. Variety on a tournament card should come from non-tournament matches and different stipulations, not from randomizing the tournament matches and cramming more people than needed into them.

Maybe there's some story reason for lazy champion Claxton to get punished with 5 opponents instead of 1. But what did Bentley, Bueller, and Colt 45 do to deserve an uphill battle? (I know what Drew Chaos did.) Why did yet another person, Moore, have to be shoved into this match as well? There's a total of 16 entrants (not counting O'Hare since his match isn't a tournament match, but theoretically, he'd be available, too). That's 4 four ways, or 6 singles plus change for non-tournament matches. I don't get the decision to split it up the way it was done.

The story of the first match could have worked just as well with 3 or 4 people, and it would likely have improved the quality quite dramatically to just leave Drew Chaos out. Personally, I also don't need Bueller. Yes, his tale is tragic (as is Colt 45's) and he seems to have been a nice guy, but there's just nothing exciting about him as a wrestler. It's the same double stomp and springboard back elbow stuff you get from any other lightweight, zero gimmick or showmanship, half-assed look. I'm not saying he was terrible – in comparison to Drew Chaos, he actually looks like Dean Malenko – but I am saying that the potential to be interesting and special just wasn't there. It's similar with Colt 45, who at least spares me the general discomfort about the whole HIV thing in hindsight. Nobody likes to think back to that time when they almost boarded a flight that later crashed, but luckily missed it due to bad weather or traffic. That's not a happy memory. It's a tragedy barely averted by sheer luck.

Long story short, the opener would and could have been a lot better if it had been only Claxton, Bentley, and Moore (not a late addition for the last minute) or Colt 45 (who – like Bueller – isn't bad, but depends on more charismatic opponents).

Man, do I love that I no longer have a maximum word limit like I did on Reddit.

---

Match 2 – All Fucking Tangled Up

Toby Klein vs. G-Raver

Toby Klein is not retired yet? Huh. I could have sworn he was and got inducted into the CZW Hall of Fame that year. (I'm off by one year. He retired in 2018 and the HoF induction was at TOD 17.) Being entirely honest, he does look retired. Black shirt, long jeans, street shoes; that's not the Mr. Insanity look from his heyday. G-Raver has accessories and some proper wrestling attire on his side. All black, too covered up, but unfortunately, I have to give him the victory here for at least having proper footwear.

The setup doesn't look promising either. It's a no ropes match. Not a no ropes barbed wire match. There's barbed wire weaponry though. A frame, a board, a baseball bat, a bundle of lighttubes. I'll give this a shot, but as soon as Raver resorts to stabbing, I'll skip.

Raver is immediately on the defense after getting hit with an unexpected high kick from Klein. A lock-up follows, again with the much bigger Klein having the advantage. Oh man, I wish there were ropes. I want Toby Klein to go on the top rope! If I can't have Giant Gonzalez under this low ceiling, this would have been the next best thing.

This no ropes setup really puts Raver at a significant disadvantage. No ropes for the spots he normally relies on between stabbing people with needles, and an opponent who highlights his weakness: basics, transitions, psychology, things we so often summarize as 'actual wrestling'. In his younger years, during the first generation of deathmatch wrestlers, Klein stood out as one of the few who could 'actually wrestle' and put on a good match without weapons. That he rarely did was more a matter of low demand for that kind of thing at the time.

Anyway. Klein remains firmly grounded and in charge. It's a bit sad/funny that he has to search for an uncovered spot to carve with a barbed wire skateboard because Raver is so covered up. There's some blood eventually when Raver gets thrown onto barbed wire boards on the outside, and now Klein goes straight for the forehead.

A reversal that sends Klein against the barbed wire door turns the tide, but only briefly. The slow motion action moves across the guardrail and into the crowd. The camera work gets wonky as usual, but captures Raver's running dive from the ring against Klein on a chair in the crowd. A seated exchange of elbow strikes follows and evolves into a headbutt duel. Back in the ring, G-Raver gets confronted with something he may never have experienced before: an armdrag. Which sends him through a previously hidden contraption on the outside, judging by the remains, a blackboard propped up between two stools, lighttubes and barbed wire. Klein follows with a barbed wire 2x4 or metal bar of some sort, until Raver counters and backdrops him onto a barbed wire board.

Trashes to trashes, dust to dust.

Commentary remarks 'I have never seen G-Raver dominated like this'. I have. One review back, at OPW Survival of the Sickest 2 against JD Horror.

Raver does remain in charge for the moment though, and props up a barbed wire board against a chair in the ring. He escapes a powerbomb attempt from Klein, double knees him, and unfortunately gets a three count.

This was by no means a spectacle, but personally, I find it entertaining to see Raver showed up like this: as the spot monkey with overreliance on Instagram spots he is.

---

Match 3 – Into The Pits Of Madness

John Wayne Murdoch vs. Jesse Amato/Nick Gage

Spoiler. Jesse Amato is not here. According to Cagematch, he had visa issues. Back to pretending I don't know anything.

Flashback to my rant from 2 reviews ago: No, they are NOT both 5'10.

Murdoch wears mostly black – black shorts, black baseball hat, a dark-brown sleeveless – and unbuttoned – shirt, proper boots as usual. Black belt to match the black-white boots, too. The shirt is an improvement in regards to exposure, compared to his usual outfit. Low on sportswear, but not entirely hopeless. Murdoch also has a microphone and talks for quite a while, and ultimate makes an open challenge to anyone in the back. The brown shirt and baseball hat come off, music hits, and Nick Gage in his best gas station outfit makes his entrance. I don't need to see more to declare Murdoch the winner – for once a strong one, because right now, he's the runner-up to Conor Claxton.

The ring now has barbed wire ropes, no canvas, lighttubes, and broken bottle glass, possibly also a pane of glass. The match kicks off with a furious exchange of forearms and punches. It evolves to headbutts, and it keeps going and going. Is this match 40 minutes long? Will 20 of it be slugfests of various descriptions? Is this informally a re-match from KOTDM 2015? So far, it is, just without chairs.

Commentary calls Murdoch 'a redwood tree'. How dare he give my ginger prince silly nicknames?! I'm outraged.

After several minutes of punches and headbutts, both arm themselves with lighttube bundles, then Gage uncremoniously gets hit in the face with it. He smashes his on Murdoch, and back to punches, forearms, and headbutts it goes. Gage provides the first wrestling move with a suplex into the broken bottle glass, followed by a headlock, and a shotgun dropkick from Murdoch.

Then the action moves to the crowd and as usual, that means reduced visibility. The camera catches up just in time for a slugfest on chairs, then they get up and continue the exchange – near the merch tables and thereby in clear view of commentary. That's a big improvement from previous VOW shows. Back to a seated slugfest it goes, Gage peppers in chairshots, Murdoch looks like a mess. If he advances, his look will be a real threat to Claxton. Chairshots from Murdoch, a cannonball, a suplex from Gage onto the chairs. Aaaand... another seated slugfest.

Also a flashback to the review from two weeks ago.

A backdrop from Gage that puts Murdoch over the guardrail and into a stack of lighttubes finally moves the action back toward the ring. Commentary keeps insisting that 'in 20 years, I have never seen a match like this'. Again, I have. This is the same match they had at KOTDM 2015, but hopefully it won't go for the 40+ minutes this time around.

Back in the ring, Gage still has the upper hand and now returns to old habits of pandering to the audience before smashing the glass pane on Murdoch's back. A piledriver follows, Murdoch kicks out at two. Oh, right. At KOTDM, there was a 2 out of 3 door breaks stipulation. That's different, and it's a good change. Gage takes a bundle of lighttubes, but gets dropkicked by Murdoch who follows up with a Russian Leg Sweep, also for a two.

Gage tries his luck with a powerbomb, and again Murdoch kicks out at two. The change from 2 out of 3 doors to pinfall or submission was definitely an improvement. It makes sense for Gage to go for the latter with a Figure Four this time. Murdoch gets out after a long struggle, only to be taken into the same hold again. Gage lets go though, and rolls out of the ring to grab a contraption of lighttubes and lattice. It's not the most stable construction, so some lighttubes get lost on the way in the ring where a forearm duel ensues, and ends with Murdoch getting suplexed through the remains of the contraption.

Murdoch, a complete mess by now, stays down, but Gage wanders around instead of going for a pin. He eventually follows up with German Suplexes and grabs another bundle of tubes. Murdoch gets suplexed onto that, too, then the match is... over? There seems to be a disagreement. Murdoch apparently did get his shoulder up, and the ref tells the announcer to declare him the winner. What? Why? He kicked out of a cover.

Murdoch's shoulder visibly up at two, Gage's shoulders not visible.

Gage gets a microphone and... I don't know. He seems upset, but that's his natural state. Oh, the eloquence...

Some research (by which I mean reading the usually quite outlandish Cagematch comments) leads me to believe that the finish was: Gage's shoulders were down in a bridging pin, Murdoch got one shoulder up at 2. The latter is clearly visible to the camera, the former is not. Either way, it's confusing, but overall this match was better than the KOTDM 2015 iteration. This felt like the right length for an intense battle, it wasn't artifically drawn out by Gage's constant monologuing, and here it made sense to have submissions that were out of place in a 2 out of 3 door break stipulation.

If only Doge Ludovico Manin hadn't exiled me from Venice...

---

Match 4 – Spiders on the Glass

Dale Patricks vs. Matt Tremont

Patricks immediately catapults himself in the Best Dressed pole position with the tested and tried white satin boxing shorts. For the moment, he still wears a black shirt, but I'm sure it will disappear before the bell. Tremont is all in black as usual – shirt, shorts, singlet, even the bandana – so this is a quick and easy verdict in favor of Patricks. His shirt stays on today though.

It seems VOW went back to drawing match names from a hat this year. It's no ropes barbed wire, there are lighttubes, boards that might have carpet strips, a pane of glass... All the things, except something that qualifies as a spider.

Amusingly, commentary mentions that 'Tremont only has a few tournaments to go before he retires from the deathmatch circuit'.

The match opens with a headbutt duel that ends with a Uranage from Tremont that sends Patricks out of the ring and through a... screen, maybe? There's broken glass - not from lighttubes, I think - on it, too, but since this is the first time this thing was visible, your guess is as good as mine.

The boards in the corners have indeed carpet strips, and since the brawl now goes around the ring, I get a pretty good overview of the weapon situation. No other hidden contraption, it seems.

Tremont gets his BBQ fork. Was that really his trademark weapon at some point? Well, there's some stabbing and now both have bloody foreheads. Somehow, Tremont was bleeding before Patricks even though he's the one who went through the glass. Correction: There's a LOT of stabbing. Too much for my taste. It's fine to get the blood flowing early on, but it's just not interesting to watch for so long. Back in the ring, Tremont still has the fork, but Patricks fights back and... now he's stabbing Tremont's forehead. This is the kind of thing I expect from people who otherwise have nothing going for them in the skill department. That doesn't apply to Tremont or Patricks, which makes it all the more disappointing that they resort to this.

As Reddit likes to say: "So much THIS."

Patricks laboriously maneuvers Tremont over a lighttube bundle, then just kicks him without breaking them. Tremont gets up and smashes the tubes on Patricks, then gets a first two count. He follows up with a chairshot to the back, then another. Tremont flips out and screams about his previous tournament victories, Patricks gets up only to get floored with another chairshot. The carpet strip door gets propped up on a chair – the ramp structure seems very popular in VOW – and a piledriver against Patricks debuts the idea of using wrestling moves in this match. The door didn't break, and the pin only yielded a two count.

Now Patricks fights back, but gets caught in a double underhook suplex. Tremont returns to his building efforts and sets the second door up at the chair. This time, Patricks blocks the piledriver and counters into one of his own; also no door break, also a two count.

Tremont shoves lighttube bundles together, then both – now on knees – remove their shirts in preparation for a smash duel. Tremont starts it, then just challenges Patricks to smash one bundle after another, but intercepts the last blow with a chair throw. Now he sets up two chairs for the pane of glass and promptly powerbombs Patricks through it, for another close two count. Tremont throws the chairs, then sets up two with another pane of glass and a bundle of lighttubes. He tries to go for another powerbomb, but this time Patricks slips out of it and Death Valley Drives Tremont through it.

This would have been a nice finish, but the ref insists that Tremont kicked out. It really didn't look like that, but Patricks doesn't argue, gets the last remaining lighttube bundle, and smashes it on Tremont with a Banzai Drop to get the three count.

The match didn't have a great start, but once they got over the extended stabbing phase, it improved more than I expected. The finish looked like a miscommunication with the ref, or maybe the guy is working on his own heel turn, but that's on him, not Tremont or Patricks.

It can also not go unmentioned that Patricks' look is now near-impossible to beat. I said that before, during the last LOA tournament, and then Conor Claxton just barely beat him by turning into more of a bloody mess. However, Patricks was eliminated in round 1 the year before. This time, he looks like he survived a SAW movie going into round 2 and can build even further on that with another match.

Patricks gestures for a microphone to express his respect for Tremont, even going down on his knees and bowing to him. The narrative is still that Tremont is close to retiring from deathmatches, and we all know how that turned out. Tremont proceeds to give a speech that sounds like he's already retiring, but then, I only understand a fraction.

---

Match 5 – Fatal Four Way Elimination Cabin in the Woods

Josh Crane vs. Jimmy Lloyd vs. Jeff Cannonball vs. Mad Man Pondo

Josh Crane wears mostly black; his usual black-white singlet, but black shorts instead of red tights. Great wrestling attire ratio, bad colors. Jimmy Lloyd, as so often, also wears all black, but at least the shorts are firmly wrestling attire. On the color front, Jeff Cannonball makes a better effort with a light-gray shirt to black shorts, but already threatens me with stupid power tool use by holding a drill. Mad Man Pondo wears camo shorts to a black jersey that may technically be sportswear, but is also almost a longsleeve. Difficult. It's between Cannonball and Crane. What is up with Cannonball's footwear? That looks suspiciously like streetwear. Yeah, I'm going with Crane as the winner. He's easily the most pro wrestler-looking one out of these four.

Before I begin, here's the broken record again: Why the fuck is there a four way elimination as a first round tournament match? What exactly made any of these guys deserve worse odds than those who got singles matches?

We still have no ropes barbed wire conditions. The absence of anything that remotely resembles a cabin also reinforces my belief that the stipulation names are completely random. There's a bunch of lighttube bundles, a pit of some sort (probably broken glass, not diamonds), an unidentified pile of plunder in a corner, a pane of glass, and something that looks like a towel rack with lighttubes.

Before the match starts, everyone grabs a weapon. Crane's choice is the best; a respectable bundle of lighttubes. Pondo has his sawblade on a stick, which I rank second. It's mainly a carving device, but at least it's big and visible from a distance. Cannonball still has his drill. Lloyd runs backstage. Do I smell a wild weedwhacker? If so, my hopes for this match will drop below sea level. No! Lloyd comes back with a bundle of extra-long lighttubes and thereby moves ahead of Pondo and Cannonball in my ranking. Based on these choices, that's the reverse order of eliminations I hope for.

Meanwhile, commentary rattles down weapons that are in this match and I haven't seen: mouse traps, lemon juice, a pit of tacks (which is probably what looked like diamonds from the distance). None of it is cabin-shaped in any way. Actually, now that I think about it, I'd say that Lloyd has the most cabin-related weapon. His lighttube bundle is big enough to qualify as a ceiling rafter.

Neither of the tube bundles get shattered. Pondo beats Crane down with his sawblade stick, Cannonball gains the upper hand over Lloyd, but has at least dropped his stupid weapon. I spoke too soon. He immediately grabs the drill and uses it on Llyod's forehead. It's such a bad spot that the camera zooms on Pondo and Crane who struggle to push each other into the barbed wire. Cannonball realizes that they are onto something and joins in.

The pairs switch. Pondo takes Lloyd outside to the mouse trap screen door, Cannonball carves Crane's forehead with something on the other side of the ring. The camera is all over the place. When it settles for Cannonball and Crane, Pondo appears, sends Crane to Lloyd, possibly implying an alliance, but to what end, nobody can tell. He ends up leading Cannonball into the crowd while Lloyd and Crane brawl near the ring. The camera doesn't even try to follow Pondo and stays with Llyod when he sets up his huge lighttubes with the help of either the barbed wire or the laughably low ceiling.

When the camera cuts to Pondo, he just grabbed a bundle of lighttubes and now props it up against Cannonball on a chair. He smashes it with a shopping card, and Crane and Lloyd also arrive at the scene. Crane has lowered his singlet, but so far he's nowhere near Patricks and Murdoch. Lots of tube-smashing, lots of wandering around. According to commentary, Lloyd and Crane went outside to the parking lot. That's half-right; it's Crane with Pondo who suplexes him on the wooden ramp of a shack. Cannonball nonchalantly tries to pin him, but gets interrupted by a flying trash can from Lloyd. Pondo and Lloyd team up against Cannonball for a double suplex onto a chair, there's a pin attempt from Pondo, but a kickout at one. Things become a bit uncoordinated, random brawling, but the camera has trouble capturing anything.

Toby Klein strolls up to commentary. Meanwhile, the 'action' moves back toward the door where broken bottles from a trash can and chairs get used instead of the more interesting weapons inside.

Pondo and Crane are the first to reach the ring again. Still no elimination, still not much of note happening – until Crane, Lloyd, and Cannonball gang up against Pondo, pick him up, and use him as a battering ram against a lighttube bundle at the ring post. Nobody goes for a cover though. It's generally very light on covers, considering this is an elimination match.

Cannonball uses his stupid drill against Crane. No sound, trash visual, worst weapon. Which hurts more because Crane is right next to a pane of glass with cut cans – something that would shatter and make boom and look great.

Lloyd sneak attacks and tries to pin Cannonball, unfortunately to no avail. Toby Klein seems to be at the commentary table now, which is the only real improvement I've seen since this match started. Crane and Lloyd double suplex Cannonball through a lighttube bundle. For some reason, Pondo breaks up the following pin with his stop sign. Why? Isn't eliminating people the point of the match? Pondo proceeds to carve Cannonball with his sawblade. Lloyd and Crane struggle over a lighttube and lattice contraption, and ultimately it's Crane who goes through. Again, Pondo breaks up the by far most interesting pairing, this time by pouring lemon juice in Lloyd's face. He returns to Cannonball to get his taste of the goddamn drill, and Lloyd puts an end to it by smashing a lighttube on them. He also takes the lemon juice and pours it into the thumbtack tray, which Cannonball tries to prevent. Lloyd puts the lemon juice in his mouth instead, spits at Cannonball, and puts him in the tray with a Uranage for another unsuccesful cover.

Pondo is busy getting carved up by Crane on the outside, so Lloyd can set up the pane of glass between chairs in peace. In the few seconds it took me to type that, Crane appeared out of nowhere and put Lloyd through his own pillow fort with a Death Valley Driver. Finally. The first elimination. Unfortunately it was Lloyd, so Crane has to do the heavy lifting by himself for the rest of this match. Cannonball and Pondo fail to pick each other up. Pondo then just sits on the sidelines and lets Crane and Cannonball fight. But no, Cannonball goes for Pondo instead, attacks him with his own stop sign and a chair. Ladies and gentlemen, this is dragging.

Cannonball gets a three count over Pondo at some point... and the match is over. Crane and Cannonball are 'the survivors' and move on to round 2. What is that tournament structure? Did they just stop because they realized this match had gone too long already?

Microphone time. Jeff Cannonball has it and expresses his respect and gratitude to Pondo. Next, Pondo gets the mic to regale the audience with his unabridged biography.

---

ROUND 2

Match 1 – Welcome to the Slaughterhouse, VOW Anarchy Title Match

G-Raver vs. Conor Claxton (C)

As usual, G-Raver's outfit only got worse by replacing the only thing that gives him a fighting chance – the mask – with tattoo needles in his mouth. What's left is all black, high skin coverage, and a weapon that is almost guaranteed to make matches worse than they'd be without it. Seeing that he didn't get to use it (or anything else, lol) in round 1, I expect heavy overuse of his crutch here.

It's a default victory for Claxton in his usual outfit. Black, yes, but above average wrestling attire ratio and good exposure despite the shirt. Also, it's Conor Claxton and regular readers know what that means.

That's right. Poetry. In Comic Sans for dramatic emphasis.

The match title suggests hooks, chains, and knives to me, but none of that is in the ring. There are lighttubes in various formats, and there's a pallet with (probably) carpet strips. This match could as well be called 'Carnival of Pain' or 'Basement of Blood'. Those places are also commonly illuminated by lighttubes, and that's the only vague connection to a slaughterhouse I see. But it's not like I have high hopes for this match anyway. At best, I get a moderate dose of eye candy out of this, and that depends more on my ability to ignore the presence of G-Raver than anything that happens in the ring.

At least the opening is funny because Claxton seems determined to expose Raver's flimsy grasp on 'actual wrestling' again. Commentary says it's 'beautiful' chain wrestling, and there's undeniably beauty in Claxton guiding a confused spot monkey through it.

Commentary - I don't hear Toby Klein anymore and I don't like that – mutters something about a 'giant lawn chair filled with barbed wire'. I also spot an ironing board with gussets when the match moves to the outside. Still not a single slaughterhouse-related weapon.

In my previous review, I suggested JD Horror should hold a giant bulleye sign to help G-Raver aim better. Well, so should Claxton. It's almost impressive that Raver mostly misses a dive from the apron onto a chair right in front of him and fails to break a single lighttube. Almost.

Dangerous competition for Drew Chaos in the category 'worst dive of the day'.

They return to the ring and the aforementioned lawn chair. The lighttube bundles on the side might also be electrified. They are, as commentary confirms, and Claxton is the one to go into the first. Commentary says he probably has second degree burns now. Toby Klein, where art thou?

Claxton is determined to keep the wrestling to weapon ratio high which is commendable, but it takes two to tango. Raver gets his stupid tattoo needles and sticks them in Claxton's forehead without further ado. On the bright side, I get some really nice close-ups. Claxton, on the other hand, gets a DDT onto a gusset plate chair, and G-Raver only gets a two count.

Matt Tremont joins commentary. It's not Toby Klein, but it's something. Meanwhile, Raver brings the gusset plate ironing board into the ring and leans Claxton over it before climbing the top rope. The ring really has to be in a slightly different spot than for the previous tournaments because Raver doesn't have to duck much. He misses the double stomp though, and Claxton takes him right back to the mat.

G-Raver hasn't been this confused since JD Horror submitted him with a crossface.

The lighttube-pile is indeed the lawn chair, and there really is barbed wire on it. I still question commentary for identifying it as a barbed wire lawn chair, but whatever. Claxton puts Raver on the top rope and goes for a superplex, but G-Raver counters with (surprisingly well-aimed) double knees that put Claxton through the lawn chair and it gets him a three count.

"Just jump in a straight line! You know that shape! It's the same as those white things you keep snorting..."

Honestly, the match wasn't nearly as bad as I expected. It's screaming obvious that Claxton provides most of the 'actual wrestling', not only the submission and chain sequences, but also the transitions, and G-Raver just jumps when he's told to. Claxton being hellbound to wrestle and keep things on the mat helped a great deal because it didn't leave Raver much room to mess up. Either way, the end result was a pretty watchable match. Unfortunately, it also means Raver advances, but the remaining semi finals could still result in a decent final: John Wayne Murdoch, Josh Crane, and Dale Patricks are still in the running, all of them capable of doing the same as Claxton just did. (There's also Jeff Cannonball, but I don't think he'd be much help to keep Raver in check. Cannonball typically does better with same-size opponents.)

Claxton reluctantly hands his title to G-Raver which reminds me that the title was on the line. Oh well, it had a relatively good run, and all good things must come to an end.

---

Match 2 – Dead on Arrival

John Wayne Murdoch vs. Dale Patricks

Now this should be the slaughterhouse match because it's between the two frontrunners in the 'looking like a slaughtered pig' category. Murdoch looks surprisingly clean after the bloodbath against Gage, but that might change once he takes the shirt off. Like Patricks, he messed up his back more than anything. Other than that, he still wears black shorts, no black shirt, for pretty decent exposure. Patricks, showing more damage at first glance, firmly remains the preliminary Best Dressed though. Those bloodsoaked white shorts are beyond reproach, and no matter who bleeds how much here, their soakability will only work in Patricks' favor. For the record, Murdoch's back is a complete mess once the shirt comes off, and against anyone else on this card, he'd have won based on battle damage alone.

'Dead on Arrival', in this context, means 'leftovers'. There's the electrified lighttube bundle from the previous match, the lighttube-frame thing from round 1, a shovel, a lighttube cross... Maybe it's a graveyard theme?

The match begins with cautious lock-ups, but quickly gains speed when Patricks places the lighttube cross in the center of the ring. A brief struggle sees Murdoch pull out a Deep South Destroyer less than a minute in. It barely breaks the cross, but does result in a two count already. The action moves to the outside where some contraptions are waiting. Murdoch goes for the electrified lighttube bundle, then maneuvers a lighttube door around.

Matt Tremont, still on commentary, adjusts the expectations for the match by repeatedly saying that Murdoch wants to end this quickly and pulls out the big guns early on for that reason.

Patricks seems to disagree and calls Murdoch over for a slugfest. Murdoch accepts the invitation and sits down, but not without taking a mystery bucket with him. After coming out on top after the exchange of punches, he pours the contents of the bucket – thumbtacks – over Patricks, then wanders away to get the barbed wire shovel.

Patricks is rolled back into the ring, Murdoch grabs a pane of glass on the way and props it up in a corner. Using the barbed wire shovel as a javelin, he shatters the glass, but Patricks got out of the way. It didn't get him an advantage though, and Murdoch remains in charge, until Patricks fights back with a Uranage onto a lighttube cross. Patricks goes back outside to set a lighttube door up on a lighttube cabin. Murdoch stalks him, and they end up on the apron above, where Patricks blocks another Deep South Destroyer attempt and instead puts Murdoch through the door with a one-armed piledriver – and indeed gets a three counts out of it.

Fairly short match, but Tremont really went out of his way to prepare me for that. Other than that, it was fine. Not especially bloody or exciting, but after their respective first round mayhem, I can't blame them for that.

---

Match 3 – Skinned Alive - Josh Crane vs. Jeff Cannonball

No outfit change for Cannonball. No weapon change either. He has his stupid drill again, perhaps following Tremont's example and trying to temper my expectations. Which aren't exactly high to begin with; Josh Crane is great, but he's not a magician.

What Josh Crane is: better dressed. Technically, he didn't change his outfit either, but he pulled down the singlet which improved the exposure without sacrificing any wrestling attire. It also shows that he's close behind Murdoch in regards to battle damage, with one side of his back messed up even more than Patricks'. It's going to be messy on the Best Dressed podium today, that much is certain.

Skinned Alive, what does that mean? That we're just assigning random horror movie titles to matches? Probably, because the weaponry consists of barbed wire lawn chairs, what looks like razor wire around the ropes (but is likely also barbed wire), lighttubes, and other scattered items. Oh wow, it actually is razor wire! I knew Crane never had qualms with that, but I don't think I've seen Cannonball use it.

They start off with a lighttube duel which Cannonball wins, then a struggle over the razor wire which ends with Crane getting a first taste of it to the forehead. He evades a lighttube bundle attack right after, and smashes some tubes on Cannonball now. A first cover doesn't get him anywhere, and Crane arms himself with a barbed wire 2x4. Come to think, there are quite a few of them. Cannonball gets a two count after an STO, then it's back to tube smashing... and the stupid drill.

Crane disarms him though and surprisingly earns my formal permission to use power tools by doing the only logical thing: He smacks Cannonball in the face with it instead of 'drilling'. The one thing that could be done with a drill in a real fight without catching an attempted manslaughter charge. He did something else with the drill after, putting something on it before briefly sticking it in Cannonball's mouth. Since commentary isn't sure either, I don't know what exactly that was. Maybe he just put the boring bit back in before trying to drill Cannonball's tongue.

BAM!

It's back to lighttubes now though, then some carving with a sawblade. Cannonball gains the upper hand and... I'm not sure, he may have cut Crane's hand with a razorblade? He holds something very small up, and there's a close-up on Crane's gushing finger. Cannonball kind of attacks with a bigger weapon, the barbed wire lawn chair, but quickly retreats to let the referee tape up Crane's hand.

On my screenshot skim, I realized the injury happened earlier from a lighttube smash, because the ref was already signaling for tape before this:

Crane jumps back into action before the ref is done, attacks Cannonball with a 2x4, then finishes the taping by himself. Once bandaged, Cannonball makes first contact with the razor wire while Crane builds a pillow fort consisting of chairs, a pane of glass, and the razorblade board. He climbs the top rope, Cannonball is faced with the problem of having the Iconoclasm as a finisher and an opponent who can't really use his hands, but finally manages to pull it off, putting Crane through his contraption. Crane gets right up. That's honestly just funny. He's like an ultraviolent Duracell bunny.

Bleeding through his makeshift bandage, he gets the other razorblade board and shows diligence by pulling Cannonball's shirt up before placing it. Cannonball still wears a black singlet underneath, but I appreciate that Crane is trying to help his opponent in the fashion department.

Crane climbs the top rope for a big splash, and only gets a two count. Undeterred, Crane piles up leftover weapons – gusset board, the trashed lawn chair – and Cannonball interrupts with a roll up attempt. Crane kicks out, takes a terrible DDT near his weapon pile, and somehow Cannonball gets a three count after that.

Honestly, Cannonball really doesn't look great in this match, but man, what a performance from Crane this was. I was about to write that it's shocking to me that IWA-DS is the only promotion that ever gave him a tournament victory (at Carnage Cup 11), but I looked it up to make sure. Crane also won a tournament plainly titled 'Deathmatch Tournament' held by the short-lived Evolution Pro Wrestling in 2013. I wasn't entirely correct, but my point still stands. He rarely has truly bad matches, often carries hard, and it's a travesty that he's not more decorated.

---

FINAL

Lighttube Prison

Dale Patricks vs. Jeff Cannonball vs. G-Raver (C)

Looks like Patricks' time to shine as a carry has come. The match against Murdoch didn't add much to his outfit, but his Best Dressed trophy is already sealed anyway. Jeff Cannonball makes a valiant effort with a nicely soaked light-gray shirt, but I strongly suspect that most of that blood is Crane's. He also still wears street shoes and that's an absolute no-go on the podium. G-Raver naturally doesn't bring much to the table. He has a few blood splatters here and there, but compared to the crimson glory others – Murdoch, Patricks, Crane – have shown today, it barely registers. The rest of his outfit is unchanged, except for the tragically disgraced VOW Anarchy title.

Like in the two previous LOA finals, the stipulation is lighttube-based, with fenced ropes, extra long tubes, at least two panes of glass, and a barbed wire board is in the mix as well. I like the consistency. If only VOW also stuck to a format in the first round.

Hooray! Toby Klein is back on commentary! The crowd is cheering Raver on. Oh, the hindsight-fueled second-hand embarrassment...

It takes the match quite a while to start. Cannonball finally opens it with a double clotheline which Patricks and Raver evade. An exchange of punches follows, although it's not a three way. Raver and Patricks seem to agree on working together against previous LOA winner Cannonball, and launch each other at him, to no avail. Cannonball challenges them with chops and is brought to his knees with synchronous kicks, followed by synchronous superkicks to the face.

The alliance is short-lived and ends when Raver tries to pin Cannonball. Patricks breaks it up, sentons onto Cannonball, and has his cover broken up by Raver. Now they go at each other with forearms and punches while Cannonball just lies on the mat. Patricks tries the same trick as Claxton and forces Raver to chain wrestle, but it's less successful and ends with a very awkward-looking scene of Raver failing to hit a double knee strike against Patricks who is kneeling. Now I'm truly impressed by Raver's bad aim. How can you fail to make a knee strike against someone at knee height look good?!

Commentary: "It didn't fully connect." No shit, Sherlock, he slid over Patricks like a latin dancer slides into an end position. Just less graceful.

While G-Raver keeps bumbling with lighttubes, Jeff Cannonball rises from the dead. Now Patricks retreats to a corner and lets them duke it out with chops and punches. A headbutt finally floors Raver, and Cannonball follows up by whipping him into the lighttubes. Raver tries his luck with a springboard back elbow and – I'm convinced this is pure coincidence – is caught by Cannonball in a perfect position for a German suplex. Which is exactly what Cannonball makes of it. He doesn't go for a pin though and instead cannonballs Dale Patricks to try a pin on him, for a quick kickout. Patricks chokeslams Cannonball, but before anything comes of it, Raver is back on his knees. Everyone is on their knees now, armed with lighttubes, and an extended smash hop ensues.

The final duel comes down to Cannonball and Raver while Patricks crawls back to his corner again. The tube smashing goes on for quite a while, and Patricks decides to get involved again at some point. In the end, everyone is flat on their back in a ring full of shattered glass. Patricks, despite still wearing the black shirt, is well on his way to set a new record in bleeding from the back.

There's some downtime, then Raver tries to climb the top rope, but is interrupted by Cannonball smashing more tubes on him. Raver somehow gets onto the turnbuckle, Cannonball points to something on the outside before reaching up to throw Raver, but neither commentary nor I can see what it is. The barbed wire board was in this general direction. Yep, it's the board, but Raver doesn't get thrown. Patricks shows up and shoves Cannonball away. Impressively, he lands on the wobbly board, propped up between apron and guardrail, without breaking it. This is impressive because it looks very intentional – Raver is in position on the turnbuckle – and personally, I would not have trusted a board this thin and wobbly to withstand Cannonball's weight and momentum.

Josh Crane is no magician, but maybe Dale Patricks is.

He sets up chairs while G-Raver is wobbling on the top rope, but I'm afraid Patricks won't saw him in halves. Yeah, no, doesn't look that way. Patricks stacks lighttubes on the chairs and follows Raver to the rope and signals a piledriver, but Raver fights out of it and Deep South Destroys Patricks through his contraption for the victory. Unfortunate, but alas. It was a different time.

Yes, I intentionally made the screenshot look like Patricks won. Because he should have, and I'm petty like that.

---

FINAL THOUGHTS

This was a pretty good albeit not especially coherent tournament. Other than the structure being all over the place, it's also strange to have a winner who looked weak in both rounds, and an overall strange story.

G-Raver's first round match against Toby Klein just felt out of place. It was obvious that Klein wasn't there to take any bumps which made the outcome very predictable. While he dominated the match, it looked like he wanted to hang out at the commentary table or just watch the show in peace - definitely not like he was eager to advance or even win the tournament. Not exactly a strong look to score a surprise victory over a guy who doesn't want to win and dominates anyway. Come to think, it would have helped to let Raver defeat a different legend instead. Pondo was there - by which I mean there to bleed and willing to take bumps/weapon shots. Since the tournament had no system at all in regards to how many people belong in a match, it wouldn't have made a difference if there was a three or four way elimination.

Round two was better in terms of match quality, but also highlighted Raver's weakness even more. The final hid it well by being very smashy and light on the wrestling side. Still, it didn't feel like he earned the victory. (Although I also couldn't say Patricks or Cannonball really earned it more in the final, so I guess it was at least a very balanced match.)

What made this story even stranger is the contrast to Conor Claxton. The chaotic opener served only one purpose - to drive the point that he was resting on his laurels home. 14 minutes of standing around and stealing a pin in the end. So far, so good. But then he's given a match against Dan O'Hare, a former champion and credible threat, and makes short work of him - undoing that setup right away. Instead of getting the comeuppance for coasting in round one, or being taken to his limits, he still looked strong in round two. What was the point of all this? Story-wise, it went nowhere fast.

The MOTN pickings are limited. I refuse to consider the multi-men matches because the format of the tournament just didn't make sense, and none of them were good enough to make it near the podium anyway. Most of the singles matches had their flaws even though they were overall entertaining. Raver vs. Klein was hilariously one-sided and lacked highlights. Murdoch vs. Gage will likely end up somewhere on the podium, but I hesitate to call it the MOTN due to the strange finish. Patricks vs. Tremont had way too much carving. Raver vs. Claxton was surprisingly good, had balance, and a clean finish, so I'm bookmarking this for my top 3. Patricks vs. Murdoch was fine, just so short that Matt Tremont himself stepped in to excuse it. Cannonball vs. Crane wasn't strictly good – very smashy, very light on wrestling - but also very entertaining. The final felt short again, and relied heavily on the long smashing sequence.

I think that makes G-Raver vs. Conor Claxton the MOTN, very closely followed by Murdoch vs. Gage, then at a bigger distance, Josh Crane vs. Jeff Cannonball.

The MVP was Dale Patricks with a total of 3 matches (2 singles + final), but it's not a strong lead because none of them made it to the MOTN rankings. Based on individial performances, John Wayne Murdoch and Josh Crane are the runners-up, with a honorable mention of Reed Bentley who kept the mess of an opener together, as much as humanly possible anyway.

Best Dressed was a homerun for Patricks, followed by Crane and Murdoch, all of which secured their spots on the podium due to heavy battle damage (Patricks and Crane with high wrestling/sportswear, Murdoch with high exposure).

---