H2O Tremont's Deathmatch Tournament 5 (2024)

It's been a while since I watched H20, so I expect to be out of the loop. Looking at the card, I'm not immediately familiar with everyone, and that's exactly why I'm here. The two previously reviewed shows had a relatively old and familiar line-up, and I'm in the mood for some new (at least to me) faces. It's H20's first show in the south which explains my initial 'wait, since when is H20 in Tennessee?' reaction.

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Non-Tournament Match

ROUND 1

Match 1 - Staple Gun, Taipei, Gusset Plates – Braxx vs. Anthraxx vs. Tank

Match 2 – Carpet Strips & Cinder Blocks – Anakin Murphy vs. Kody Manhorn vs. Neil Diamond Cutter vs. Hunter Drake

Match 3 – FBTW Homerun Derby – Erron Wade vs. Bam Sullivan vs. Jamesen Shook

Match 4 – Barbed Wire Boards Pits of Pain – Mouse vs. Alex Stretch vs. Nathan Mowery

Non-Tournament Matches

FINAL

Final Thoughts

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Non-Tournament Match

No Ropes Barbed Wire – Sean Campbell vs. Matt Tremont

Sean Campbell, who immediately makes me think I'm watching a rookie show, wears long black pants, proper boots, and a blue shirt. Not a great start, but knowing Tremont usually wears all black, the blue might be enough. It is. Tremont indeed wears all black.

Sean Campbell is actually Sean fucking Campbell. B-b-but that's Jimmy Lloyd's, no, wait, Nick Gage's gimmick! Truth being told, it's a lot more chantable for either, syllable-wise.

They start off with chain wrestling, evade the barbed wire, until Tremont catapults Campbell into it. A little carving draws first blood on Campbell. Things are slow, very slow, but at some point, Campbell sends Tremont ino the barbed wire and repays the carving favor. Maybe it's just me, but both are vastly overselling it whenever they touch the barbed wire. So does commentary, to be fair. We've been in 'THE most dangerous match in the history of wrestling' territory from the start. Maybe Tremont and Campbell are just trying to match that description.

Tremont cuts down the barbed wire after already tearing down one side with his weight. Now there's a bunch of wire in the middle of the ring, and both are armed with wire cutters. They proceed to stab their foreheads, then throw in some wrestling moves onto the barbed wire. Tremont cuts down more and adds it to the pile in the middle. A Death Valley Driver gets him a two count that I wish had been a three count. This match is firmly too long already.

A ladder is added. Tremont drags the loose wire over Campbell, then climbs the ladder, only to get dragged down by Campbell with a powerbomb-like motion. Now Tremont is under the loose wire and Campbell on the ladder. He elbow drops down and gets a three count, thankfully.

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ROUND 1

Match 1 - Staple Gun, Taipei, Gusset Plates – Braxx vs. Anthraxx vs. Tank

Braxx wears a black shirt to grey camo pants and short boots. He is immediately defeated by Anthraxx with red shorts, a black singlet, a hint of facepaint, and black belt to black footwear. Tank is no threat to him in all black, but at least the shorts count as sports attire. Since I only count wrestlers, Anthraxx wins this one. However, the best dressed person present at ringside is Lowlife Louie Jr. (who belongs to Anthraxx) with white camo shorts and a white shirt, followed by The Rev (belonging to Tank) with a strong theme and full facepaint. If either of them does something that qualifies as a wrestling move, I'll change my verdict.

The match begins with The Rev screeching and me wondering once again why Tank needs a manager, and why specifically a satanic muppet.

As so many taipei matches, it begins with a three way exchange of punches, then Braxx and Anthraxx very briefly team up against Tank before going at each other. Anthraxx emerges as the winner and draws first blood on Tank. On the outside, he proceeds to staple the first dollar bills to Braxx. Back in the ring, Tank gets hold of the staple gun and puts some bills on Anthraxx, then Braxx. I'm not sure if there was a wrestling move yet. A snapmare, maybe.

Tank distributes gusset plates. At first, nobody has success punching one into someone else's forehead, until Tank and Anthraxx team up and get one to stick in Braxx.

More punches. Slugfest. Anthraxx goes down, Tank gets some forearm strikes from Braxx. With a Uranage against Anthraxx, Braxx provides the first wrestling move of the match. Anthraxx adds a chair to the arsenal and floors Braxx, then Tank. On the outside, The Rev hammers a gusset plate into Louie's head. That's almost a wrestling move, but only almost.

Tank uses the distraction to suplex Anthraxx onto the chair and get a three count. Well. That brings up the wrestling move count to 2.5 (including the snapmare). Very much on the sparse side. Not a great match by any means.

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Match 2 – Carpet Strips & Cinder Blocks – Anakin Murphy vs. Kody Manhorn vs. Neil Diamond Cutter vs. Hunter Drake

Murphy wears a white crop top, black shorts with a white belt, black fishnets, and black kickpads. Since this is an overall black/white theme, I consider the belt a match. I don't think anything beyond the kickpads qualifies as sportswear though.

Manhorn wears a white soccer jersey, black/white shorts, black sneakers with white soccer socks, and a flag around his neck. The theme is undeniably 'soccer player' which is a peculiar gimmick choice, but also makes him the clear frontrunner. Lots of white, good attention to detail, and – this is probably a first – a 100 % sportswear, 0 % wrestling attire ratio.

Reigning H2O Danny Havoc Hardcore champion Neil Diamond Cutter, as always, brings only his boots to the wrestling attire table. Tan shorts, shirtless under the denim vest, but he's pretty accessorized with a black/red face bandana and goggles. That's all it is though: random accessories. There's no theme to it.

For some reason, Hunter Drake inserts himself into the match. Since he has a proper entrance, he can be properly judged. Black mask that immediately comes off. Black, open jersey, black/white tights with some gold, black kickpads. Other than being mostly black, it's not bad. If the jersey goes before the bell, I'll rank this above Murphy, although the clear winner in this four way is Kody Manhorn.

Drake obtains a microphone and there's some rambling and ranting and back and forth with Neil Diamond Cutter. Drake's jersey comes off, so he's firmly in second place.

Apparently, this stipulation also involves gusset plates since Murphy and Manhorn stick some in Cutter's head right away, then Hunter adds another. Cutter does the same to Murphy, then unexpectedly pulls out a wrestling move in this chaos. Headbutt duel Cutter vs. Manhorn, a slam from Cutter against Manhorn onto a chair, then another against Murphy and another against Hunter. Back to gusset plates; Cutter headbutts one into Murphy.

While Murphy sells that outside the ring, Cutter begins the construction of a chair contraption, then suplexes a ladder onto Hunter instead of adding it to his pillow fort. Nobody interrupts him while he more or less plays a game of Jenga with chairs. Murphy gets thrown into them and the pyramid crumbles. Cutter tries to suplex Hunter onto the ladder, but ends up going onto it himself. With the focal point of the match – Cutter – down, the match begins to fall apart altogether. It's just chaos of headbutts and punches, until Cutter gets up, balances a cinder block on Manhorn's back, and smashes it with another. He does the same to Hunter, then Murphy unceremoniously just throws Cutter out of the ring, shoves Hunter onto a ladder between two chairs, throws Manhorn over him, and goes to the top rope.

He misses the senton because Manhorn pulls Hunter and himself away. Slugfest between Manhorn and Hunter, even a suplex. Then Cutter returns and hits everyone with carpet strips, and the other three pay him back. Cutter proceeds to stick skewers into everyone's foreheads for a blatant Instagram spot.

I'm kind of checked out. This looks like Neil Diamond Cutter shows some spots to three trainees, not like a match. There are barely any transitions; Cutter just wanders around, sticks stuff in peoples' faces, nobody offers any resistance, there's just nothing where you'd expect the three trainees to team up against the big shot. Whenever Cutter isn't actively involved for a moment, they have no direction and no idea what to do. That Tank and Cutter are in this tournament tells me this is not a rookie show, so I really expect some more substance from the matches. Cutter gets a three count over Murphy in the end.

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Match 3 – FBTW Homerun Derby – Erron Wade vs. Bam Sullivan vs. Jamesen Shook

After Kody Manhorn, the second picture-perfect example for the difference between 'wrestling attire' and 'sportswear' appears: Wade wears all white except for black kickpads and a black belt on his martial arts outfit. It's not a 100 % sportswear ratio though, and not 100 % authentic either. He wears white spandex tights which is 'wrestling attire' where a proper taekwondo outfit would include loose white pants. Difficult. While I'm pretty sure he has this match in the bag, I need to do some soulsearching to decide how it measures up against Manhorn's soccer outfit.

Meanwhile: Bam Sullivan. Definitely Bam Sullivan. Much like Reed Bentley, he is a reference point for my face blindness, meaning I often mistake other people for him, but not him for other people. Fascinating. Black shirt, black shorts, black kickpads, no danger to Wade who has removed his martial arts vest by now.

Jamesen Shook wears a lot of things and at first glance, it's hard to tell what half of it is. Black baseball hat, black denim vest, some kind of medal, white or light purple shirt. Black t-shirt-loincloth thing over peach or salmon pants, black kickpads. He looks like he's wearing a thrift shop. Let's see how much of this stays on for the match. The light colors underneath all the other stuff have a potential for bronze at least. Oh wow, almost all of it comes off. Yeah, I can give that third place behind Manhorn and Wade. The peach-salmon-whatever pants, well, that's an exceptionally bad color choice (not only for a ginger), but that might be the idea, so it gets a pass.

While Shook and Sullivan arm themselves with crutches, self-proclaimed hardcore legend Wade decides he's not going to bother with this and leaves the ring. Shook has some kind of leg injury. I'm pretty hopeful for this one because there appears to be quite a bit of storytelling in store.

Sullivan and Shook shake hands, then start off with chain wrestling. Wade still wanders around on the outside and makes for a quite effective cowardly heel. Sullivan attacks the injured leg with a barbed wire crutch, carves Shook a bit, then Wade joins the match by taking Sullivan out and hammering a gusset plate into Shook's head. While Sullivan is out, Wade remains in charge over Shook who keeps selling his leg injury which Wade mocks. Sullivan returns with a thumbtack bat and this actually begins to look like a proper deathmatch. There's weapon use, there are wrestling moves, there's strong storytelling around the injury which contributes to a good balance as well.

Shook scores a three count over Wade after first death valley driving him through a board into Sullivan, followed by a second rope double stomp onto a fork board.

This was fun. More like this, please.

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Match 4 – Barbed Wire Boards Pits of Pain – Mouse vs. Alex Stretch vs. Nathan Mowery

Mouse wears almost all black (except for the striped socks) and there's nothing I can count as sportswear, but he has a theme, so that's something. Alex Stretch has a little more sportswear with a black jersey, white tights under tattered black shorts, and a mask. Since Mouse is shirtless now and thereby more exposed, the scores are about even. Nathan Mowery wears all black, and I'm not sure why he's here. According to Cagematch, the third entrant in this match is Azrael. Mowery is accompanied by CJ Lawler who'd get at least a few points for the grey shorts. Stretch removes the jersey which gives him a slight edge over Mouse. Nobody in this match made great outfit choices though.

Mouse and Stretch team up against Mowery right away, using chairs before sending him through the first barbed wire board. Commentary fills me in; Mowery does indeed replace Azrael. While he's out, Stretch breaks another board with Mouse. Mowery returns to carve Stretch with antlers, then arms himself with a coat hanger. Is that the trendy weapon now? At least this is a metal coat hanger. That's slightly scarier than the plastic one Big F'N Joe had at TOD21.

Stretch gets thrown out, Mouse escapes a cover attempt from Mowery after getting dropped onto chairs. After a long balancing act on the turnbuckle, Stretch manages to legdrop Mowery with a chair. Their brawl moves to the outside until Mouse 'dives' onto them both. Stretch is taken down by Mouse with a drop toe hold onto... a framed board? Not sure. I thought it was a 'pit of pain', but it's flat. Anyway. Mouse takes Mowery back to the ring where the latter gains the upper hand after a neckbreaker. He places a barbed wire board on Mouse and sentons onto it, but the cover only yields a two. Mowery puts the remaining barbed wire board on chairs and CJ Lawler douses it with lighter fluid, then sets it ablaze before Mowery puts Mouse through it. Or maybe Mouse countered it? He tries to pin Mowery after, but Stretch from the top rope breaks the pin, then gets a double pin over both opponents.

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Non-Tournament Match

Tennessee Street Fight – JB Anderson vs. Lady Blakely

JB Anderson wears a black-blue jersey, black jeans shorts, and some kind of shirt-side-loincloth which seems to be a really popular look in H20. That's gotta be at least the third jersey. It comes off, along with the loincloth-shirt. Lady Blakely wears a black dress and a black fuzzy jacket. The sportswear ratio is really low here. The jacket comes off and the dress looks kind of a like a cheerleader uniform. Kind of. I guess Anderson looks more like a wrestler due to the boots (vs. her sneakers without kickpads), so I'll give a very close victory to him.

There's a barbed wire board, Blakely has a chain, and there are a few other weapons by the looks. It appears to be at least a hardcore match, so I won't skip despite it not being a tournament match.

I'm not sure what's going on. I think Blakely tries to shove drum sticks up Anderson's nose. There's also some chain wrestling, some punches, and it's possible this match is supposed to be comedy hardcore, but I'm not familiar enough with these two to tell. There's some stabbing/carving from Anderson. I'm not sure what weapon he uses though, nor can I see if Blakely is bleeding from it. She spears him through a door, and now there's some blood visible on her forehead.

The barbed wire board is placed in the middle of the ring, and after a struggle, Anderson drops Blakely onto it for a two count. Anderson gets an electric turkey carver and carves Blakely's forehead with it. If you can't tell, I'm getting more confused by the minute.

Anderson puts himself through the barbed wire board when Blakely evades his attack. He gets his katana, Blakely counters and disarms him with her chain. In the end, Lady Blakely wins by choke out with said chain. I think I needed more context to appreciate this match.

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Non-Tournament Match

H20 Heavyweight Title Match – Ron Bass Jr. vs. Austin Luke vs. Deklan Grant vs. Jaden Newman (C)

Since this is not a deathmatch, I'll just quickly give a fashion verdict.

Ron Bass Jr. appears to have some kind of redneck trucker theme with a red trucker hat, cowboy boots, black shirt, and black spandex trunks with horse shoe print. Austin Luke refuses to be judged, wearing black satin robes over what I suspect will be wrestling attire, but I'll have to wait and see. Deklan Grant swims with the mainstream around here with yet another jersey, green, to long tan pants. So far, I think Jaden Newman – black horned mask with skull print, black vest and trunks, proper kickpads – is the winner.

Shirts are removed during the introductions. This brings up the wrestling attire ratio for Grant, confirms that Luke had 100 % wrestling attire all along (plain black trunks under the robes), Grant brings his already weak sportswear ratio down by revealing a white shirt under the jersey. Jaden Newman (according to the chants, Jaden fucking Newman) removes his vest just in time to cement his victory with 100 % wrestling custom attire, proper footwear, and a hint of a theme by virtue (?) of being a member of the Coven of the Goat (which mainly means The Rev croaks his drawn-out introduction, to a point where Newman looks a little impatient).

While Luke and Newman brawl on the outside, Grant – wearer of the worst outfit – gets a pinfall over Bass after a splash, and thereby becomes the new H20 Heavyweight Champion.

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FINAL

4 Way Elimination Lighttubes – Alex Stretch vs. Jamesen Shook vs. Tank vs. Neil Diamond Cutter

Stretch comes out shirtless, but still with the white tights under tattered black shorts. Apparently, he has a juggalo gimmick? It consists of whoop-whooping and carrying a bottle of Faygo. (And I complained about Brian White's lack of juggalo-ness in the past... My apologies, Mr. White!) Jamesen Shook now wears a black shirt to his peach-salmon-whatever-colored pants. He's still limping. Tank still wears all black, this time paired with a speck of blood on his forehead. Shook removes his black shirt just before the entrance of Neil Diamond Cutter, and thereby secures the preliminary victory with the least amount of black. Cutter offers him some competition though, also being shirtless and wearing tan shorts to proper boots. Difficult. It's between Shook and Cutter who, upon closer inspection, has a black singlet around his mid section. I think I'll play the ginger bonus card in favor of Shook because there's not much else to base a decision on.

The match begins with a suggestion from Cutter to Tank to just punch each other in the face. They proceed to do just that and involve Stretch and Shook as well. I'll put it this way: I've seen more engaging openings. At some point, it turns into a proper brawl, with Cutter breaking the first tubes on Tank while Shook and Stretch are on the outside. For a long time, there's just smashing. The pairing on the outside is slightly more interesting to watch since they at least try to make it look like a brawl, and there's a hint of intensity. Tank and Cutter in the ring just don't bother; all they do is smash tubes and punch each other in the dick.

Stretch and Shook return to the ring which helps to introduce the idea of 'action'. Shook – despite his limp – is the first to hit a wrestling move in the form of a cannonball against Stretch. Stretch has skewers in his forehead. I'm not sure how or when he got them. The pairings now switch. Tank smashes tubes on Shook, Cutter and Stretch punch each other. It goes back to the original pairs shortly after though, and Stretch finally makes use of Shook's limp by targeting the leg.

Meanwhile, Cutter sticks skewers into Shook, then Tank - because who needs pacing or psychology? He throws in a senton for good measure, Shook brings the wrestling move count up ever so slightly with a double stomp, and Stretch does his best to get an armdrag out of Tank, but fails. Tank gets him into some kind of submission instead and uses his sickle to submit him for the first elimination.

Seconds later, Cutter takes Shook in a submission – notably not targeting the legs – and threatens him with yet another bundle of skewers. Shook taps and is eliminated as well. That leaves the two psychological powerhouses. They exchange punches and headbutts, Cutter places lighttubes on Tank and hits a splash, eats a... I suppose it might be a chokeslam or something? onto a tube bundle, no sells it, eats another, kicks out at two, gets suplexed through more tubes, and this time, Tank gets the three count.

Yeah, I'm sorry, but this final was just a whole lot of nothing. Shook selling his leg injury all the way through made me hope for some storytelling, but Alex Stretch was the only one who did anything with that. The veterans just smashed and punched mindlessly, and a random suplex for the finish doesn't change that verdict. The few moderately interesting scenes came from Stretch and Shook, and that's not enough to call this match 'good' by any means.

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Final Thoughts

Seeing the line-up, it's probably not a huge surprise that it came down to the veterans Cutter and Tank in the end. Tank's victory in Tennessee was also pretty predictable, and I'm actually disappointed that there was not even an attempt to make any other outcome look like a possibility.

I don't feel like looking up the entire card again, but I do know that with Hunter Drake (from Alabama) and Nathan Mowery, there were at least two other southern guys in the running. With the fairly young and green line-up, it would have felt appropriate to give the win to a newcomer. That hope was buried the moment Mowery (from Tennessee even) got eliminated. His membership in Tank's stable would have allowed for some storytelling with both in the final, and that's what this mess really needed. Some kind of structure and direction. Mowery replaced Azrael, who also belongs to the Coven of the Goat. Had there been some thought toward a face-off between stable members, it wouldn't even have required a full change of plans.

In round one, two matches were straight up bad - tellingly, the ones won by Tank and Cutter. Mowery vs. Mouse vs. Stretch was mostly just there. The clear MOTN was the FBTW between Bam Sullivan, Jamesen Shook, and Erron Wade. After long consideration, the latter also gets the Best Dressed trophy. It came down to Wade in all white with a martial arts gimmick vs. Kody Manhorn in mostly white with a soccer gimmick. Wade looked like a martial arts-themed wrestler (albeit with an inaccurate taekwondo outfit) and had the higher wrestling attire ratio, which ultimately beats Manhorn's more accurate look - so accurate that he looked like a soccer player who happened to sign up for a wrestling match more than a wrestler. The MVP, due to showmanship, trying to add some storytelling, involvement in the MOTN, and delivering one of the two better performances in the terrible final, is Jamesen Shook.

All things considered, this wasn't a great show. Light on the blood, only one match I'd call 'good', and an outcome that was telegraphed from miles away with no twists or surprises along the way.

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